Sexual Assault Right after. did you tell anyone?

[Deleted member 37474]

I tried to tell a male friend on the phone. He already knew that I liked the guy so he congratulated me for my second "sexual conquest." If only there had been anyone there that night. To hold me safely in their arms and tell me it would be okay. I hate reliving this part. I hate how I buried it. I would like to stomp on this flashback. What was your experience?

 

[Casey_03]

I told my boyfriend at the time. And my disclosure probably is what caused our relationship to go off the rails and ultimately become abusive. So I think that affected my ability to open up about future traumas. I don't think anyone I've ever told about a trauma has ever had a helpful, compassionate reaction. It's pretty much always made things worse. A later boyfriend had a similar reaction to another assault, and like the first, became abusive. Blamed me. And so it goes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Never except once, only eventually if no option (threats to others).

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Nope. I was 13 the first time it happened and I had already lived through seeing my older sister not being believed multiple times, and later being sent off to a mental hospital as a result, and being asked by my parents, "So, what did you do to make THAT happen?", after she was raped on the job at the age of 17, so I kept it and all following incidents inside for decades. The one time it did get out when it happened by two brothers and a friend of theirs on a day I skipped school, I was called a liar, a whore, and even got slapped by their sister, so I clammed up and kept my mouth shut.

I was certain I'd be blamed and punished or sent away for even bringing it up. My sister's life was sent into a whirlwind of heartbreaking and life changing in the worst possible ways experiences as a result of her simply trying to be heard and helped, and it breaks my heart daily to see what they did to her. She's a f*cking warrior, for sure. It also breaks my heart wondering what they had to have lived through to even think handling things that way was okay, in any way, shape, or form.

Even trying to share in the professional setting as a much older adult when I was seeking help via therapists and psychiatrists, the actual incidents of abuse that I shared in great detail, in writing, was always immediately cast aside and not ever directly addressed or even briefly discussed. My confidence level in receiving meaningful and/or helpful responses, or even a slight feeling of actually being heard and understood, was nonexistent. I remain cautious, perhaps overly so, but am now much more open with my stories and experiences when the time and space feels comfortable and safe enough to do so.

The one thing I've learned for certain as a result of all I've lived through, if I keep trying to figure out everyone else's motives, I drive myself mad. I have to focus on my own responses and my own intent. Everything else becomes a mind f*ck and a major energy suck. Neither of which can afford to be tapped out anymore than they already are.

In an effort to ground myself after being triggered into an emotional tsunami, I sometimes visualize the young me being hugged and held by a very kind, yet faceless adult being told, "It's going to be okay, dear heart. You're safe now." I think they remain faceless because all the faces I thought I could trust to help me the most are the ones that hurt the most.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

no, there was no one to tell, I was a child

I didn't tell until I was 30

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Nope. I was 13 the first time it happened and I had already lived through seeing my older si...

I imagine someone holding me too. I also don't see their face. It's sad that we couldn't ever have that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I didn't tell anyone. I didn't have the mental/verbal development skills to even attempt this!

 

[shimmerz]

I told people while I was going through it (domestic violence). Most just wanted to not know about it; actively denied what was right in front of their faces. After learning THAT hard lesson, I determined that telling, whether during or afterwards was an exercise in utter futility.

Who wants to know that stuff like this happens?

 

[Hooper]

My wife told me way after the fact just as a disclosure before we got married. It happened before we met. I believed her I just didn't ask about it. That was until 2 April's ago. When I asked in more detail what was a 23 year old healed(?) wound for her became a very difficult open wound for me I still haven't figured out. I've done 2 years of therapy and just spent the night with a friend who does his own problem solving from AA trying to find relief but I still can't find it. I can't imagine what you're going through. I would say I handled it so poorly my wife describes it as having to go through it twice. It's not because I blame her but because I think he should suffer the consequences of his actions. Everyone tells me to let it go as I sit powerless banging on a keyboard. I have 3 choices:
1. Do nothing.
2. Do something that no one wants that if I were caught would do more time than he would if he were caught.
3. Forgiveness

I have no good choices and am trying. Not to discourage you from telling someone but this has been my experience from being told. Wish you the best.

 

[liz81934]

I am so sorry to hear that, I feel like people truly do not always understand because I asked one of my friends after I told her mine and she could not even think of someone doing that to me. I believe people think what they want and do not want to think of a friend or loved one in danger it is kind of like coping for them. When I was a kid I tried to tell people but could never think of the words to say about my uncle touching me. This still frustrates me but I have come to terms that I had no idea what that act was at age 5. With my assault on campus, I told the guy I was seeing at the time and he told me he wanted sexual favors because he listened to me. He ended up forcing me to report it and that led to counseling at school so it kind of worked out in a weird way I guess.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

After the last incedent, I broke down a few months later and told my mother who reacted very badly. The only reason I told at all was because I was about to be put in a very bad situation with the perpetrator and wanted to stop that. Then when I was maybe 14 or 15 (happened at 13) I tried to tell my friends. Neither belived me, and one started playing phone pranks where she made fun of me talking about what had happened. The other friend just didn't care of thought I was crazy. I told a pastor friend who actually believed me and I got her help pressing charges (although prosecuter never filed). Other than my pastor friend, I have generally had bad reactions whenever I tried to tell people so I rarely do or just mention it without offering explaination, hate to feel doubted when I talk about it.

 

[Friday]

The first time I didn't have to. Got snagged out of the chow line at breakfast the next morning & taken to the table where one gets vodka in their orange juice & a handful of pills to wash down (morning after pill, antibiotics of various flavors), and ain't nothing off the table convo wise. Rape was really common/ normal/ expected. How it was handled was entirely off-book, though. I've run into some friction in recent years about that, which blows my damn mind. The whole situation was f*cked, and what they wanna get mad about is the one act of kindness? f*ck that.

I very deliberately did not tell my fiancée. I never spoke another word to him, in point of fact. He tried for months to track me down, and I feel really badly about that, about the whole thing, really. But I didn't want him involved, or to have to deal with it, or to complicate matters. At the time my parents didn't know where I was, and the USMC is really adept at fending off jilted lovers & spouses. I looked him up a few years later, right around the same time I realized what I did may have been meant in kindness but was pretty seriously f*cked up, to apologize... But he was really happy. New family, boating on the lake, a good life. At that point the only thing apologizing would have done was make me feel better. What it would do to him & his life? Lotta different possibilities, most of them bad. So I walked away.

You know, it's funny... I could have sworn Id already responded to this thread. I think I realize now why I didn't. I've shared this story before, but the debt I owe weighs heavier sometimes than others.

Moving on... Other times? Sometimes I told people, sometimes I didn't. Most of the time there was very little point outside of necessary medical care. Like most things, the people who needed to know were there, the people who weren't, didn't.