Getting mixed messages from everyone

[Iyllsa]

For those that have seen my past posts then you would understand.

Basically it was concluded by people that my relationship with my friend was not healthy. I decided to put space and for the past couple or few weeks it seems to be doing some good. My friend isn't worried about me or stressed by my problems.

I do realize the flaws of it all and that what I'm doing probably isn't good. I'm isolating myself. I don't talk to her anymore if I'm not feeling well so to prevent myself from pouring out all of my burdens. It's easier to not do anything at all than to regret my inability to self regulate at the wrong times. So I just stopped talking. I'll respond if she says anything. Only recently we started to have conversations again, but I avoid talking about my health. I just don't anymore and I don't want to. I want to keep her and other people away from it.

I realize what I'm doing.

Anyways. I decided to give opening up to my therapist a try and she flat out said that what I'm doing is wrong and I need to stay open and rely on my friend. I can see how closing up is bad, but at the same time it seems to be doing good. My friend even seems to be doing better by talking to other people. The amount of days she feels bad has lessened, her new pills seem to be working, etc., and now whenever we talk it's never when I'm feeling bad. Or at least, I prevent her from finding out which I'm very good at.

I'm just confused now. Last therapy session I got "thraped" and am feeling unsettled and even more disturbed and sad than the last handful of days. Which is natural because I shut it all off. I'd let myself feel sad a bit and cry a bit if I was alone in the shower, but then I'd push it aside and do whatever.

First my therapist says I should rely on her more and not have to so much on my friend, then others say I also shouldn't give so much information to my friend, finally I'm there where I'm able to prevent my friend from knowing how bad I'm actually feeling that day, things seem better, but then my therapist had to go and ruffle things up and say I need to do a complete turn around and go back to how I was before because I'd be taking huge steps back.

I don't want to go back to it. I miss how I was before where I was able to keep everyone out and no one found out about my problems. If I had a bad night then I had a bad night. It forced me to move on, or at least until I'm around people. I reserved my sadness and thoughts to myself. I opened up to this friend and it just wouldn't stop. I felt out of control. Now I'm isolating myself some from her, mainly the health and whenever I'm not feeling well enough to cover how I'm feeling, and some stuff seems better. It feels lonely and I'm still sad and depressed, but I think it's for the better.. I know I shouldn't be doing it for my friend and I should be doing it for me, but I can't. I'm not a good enough reason. This is helping my friend, I think, along with other factors. I don't want to ruin it again and I don't want to put pressure on her anymore or again.

For a while I had a strong mindset against opening up to her again and isolating myself from everyone. To just get away from it all and deal with myself alone. Now after the thraping session I don't know what I should do.

In a way I don't want to talk to other people, especially my friend about this. I feel like it's something I need to conclude to by myself, whether it be good or bad. I am aware of what the "bad choice" may be and if I choose that then I understand the consequences.

But on the other hand, I want to know the opinions of other people. I think it's easier here because everyone is not included in my problems on a personal level. This is just text to people.

 

[Teamwork]

I have a friend who listened to a lot Always checked my message, responded to me, was available. For some reason, he stopped. Randomly responds, goes days without checking the message and checks but doesn't respond. I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out, trying not to say anything to him and regretting relying on him, so your post resonates a lot with me. I don't have any advice, just saying I'm in the same place of retreat, shutdown, deciding it's because I was real with him and he was real back, but when he stopped it became about, what did I do? And why did I trust and reach out?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there's always that real fear of being a burden vs risking reaching out because of admitting needing help, plus trust vs non-trust, plus worrying it being too much or too grahic vs telling the truth. I think with friends it should be mutual, or it just feels like taking. I don't really know the answer because it's so relationship, context and gravity specific. I think each person has to also work on their own stuff. I also have found people seem to fall in to extreme ends of dependent or independent natures; for some it's hard to go without always having had help, for others it's an excrutiating process to ask for help. So I suppose balance? :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

I came back to add quickly, I'm trying (newly) to think of it this way: I always try to ask for feedback and have to rely on an honest reply. I have fear of being a burden and no ease asking or expecting anything. And I don't want to burden.

But, my thinking is also frought with cognitive distortions, so mind-reading is one, bl-or-white thinking is one, minimizing even the truth I need help is another, etc. I've been told it's ok (for myself) to reach out to God and to people if trust has been established. I could second-guess or shoot that down in a heartbeat with cognitive distortions and self-destructive core beliefs, including, but not limited to, it's only fair and appropriate I do not have help. But that would reinforce more of the same thoughts and self-destructive behaviours.

So if you can get feedback you trust, work on stuff yourself, and try to do it 'differently' so as to try to overcome this, and try your best one day at a time, challenge your thoughts, do what is fearful (the thought of being given help, or affording myself help, is fearful for me too), maybe you will be able to choose what will enable healing for you, personally, and overcome feeling you are not worth it. I am not used to being treated with value, but I'm also not giving credit where due to what is healing or helpful if I insist when I have been it was a 'mistake' or burden (ie I shouldn't have trusted; they think it's a burden; I think it's a burden; who am I to deserve help, etc etc. No. Rather to say, I am very fortunate to have had help, made progress, stayed above ground, can recognize when I feel stronger/ better, have some better coping techniques, some things actually do help, it takes me a long time to trust, I can recognize what is helpful/ harmful/ neutral better, etc).

I can keep everything to myself more easily than anything else, but it's led me to SI looking much more attractive (or possible) than investing in living. Because investing in living means challenging all the thoughts behind thinking it's better for everyone if I wasn't here.(Really difficult when you're told that, too, let alone my own self-assessment).

I hope that makes sense, hard to express in the complete way I mean it. :confused::rolleyes::hug:

 

[joeylittle]

@Iyllsa - in my view, the problem is not whether you should engage with this particular friend.

It is that you are using the situation with this person to avoid making change in any other areas of your life.

Correct me if I'm wrong: but I see you making no steps towards finding other ways to connect with the world. Nor do I see you working to address either your trauma or your issues with cognitive distortion in your daily life.

Can you move past the friend and look into finding a group? Developing a new hobby? Calling the insurance company to find out what your privacy protections are, so you can perhaps get into more structured therapy?

Without sitting in the room and hearing the conversation between you and your therapist, it is hard to know why she said what she did. I can only go off what you've shared with us here. My guess is that the therapist is not savvy enough to handle a client like you, and you need someone who will push you harder. You've often complained about them not taking you seriously, yet you also withhold information from them. And now, you are telling them a bit more, but from my perspective - as a complete stranger on the internet, mind you - they are not seeing the bigger picture.

When does it stop being about the friend, and start being about you?
You would benefit far more from putting this energy and thought-space into the stuff that will actually make a difference in your life.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I had a friend who I started to rely on, and she was rather demanding about me telling her everything going on with me. Prior to this, I had a very demanding friend insist that I listen to her and make only the supportive comments she wanted to hear. She was incredibly abusive, and this was only one aspect. I had made it a rule with myself to only discuss my trauma with my therapist, since friends aren't therapists. Friendships are about sharing and not overburdening one side of the friendship with either demanding to hear one's trauma, or demanding one listen to it.

My therapist told me to say to the friend who wanted to know about everything, "You are not in charge of my mental health". She found someone else's mental health to be in charge of. The other friend I let go of in a decent manner, saying I believed the relationship to be toxic to both of us. She did not want to hear that, she wanted me to do what she said.

Can you be friends without having it be about trauma. I know trauma is a big part of life, but there are many other things in life to share.

 

[EveHarrington]

I completely, totally, 100% disagree with your therapist.

IMHO and IME she is giving you bad advice!

It is NEVER good to treat a friend like a therapist and dump your burdens on them. It's not a good idea to have a friend you turn to in this manner as it creates an unhealthy dynamic.

I say this as someone who has been there, done that.

Your friend is a "fixer" which is unhealthy in its own right.

It's ok to turn to friends when you're feeling down, but not constantly, and not have that be the basis of the friendship. It creates an unhealthy dynamic on both sides.

A better way to approach things is to have a more balanced friendship. If you're feeling bad, it's ok to contact your friend, but use it as more of a distraction technique instead of a dwelling or wallowing or pseudo therapy thing. Meaning that if you're feeling bad, don't contact your friend to hash out your feelings. Instead, ask her to go to the movies or out to dinner or something more constructive and positive that will get your mind off of things and make you feel better.

I also have a feeling that you didn't disclose the full spectrum of this relationship to your therapist and that is why she's telling you to hold on to this friend.

 

[shimmerz]

but I see you making no steps towards finding other ways to connect with the world.

This. ^^

I have no idea how your trauma affects your life; whether your reactions are overwhelmingly pervasive. Mine were for quite some time, so if someone was my friend, well.... it WAS all about the trauma. But now it is a bit better.

So what I try to do is to focus in on 'normal' stuff in my life. Normal:

1. Going out - even just for a walk and walking until I find something to talk about to others
2. Gains that I have made
3. Plans that I have for the future
4. How much I love or hate the weather
5. What I am doing that day (this actually is the driving force - what will I do today that I can talk about to other people)
6. A movie you went to see

There may be some on the list that you can't attach to at the moment, but perhaps you have other/different things that you can use as a 'normal' topic which you can utilize to connect with people about.

Not sure what your barriers are at this moment and by all means the above is not a definitive list and it may require much work to get to your own list.

 

[Iyllsa]

@Iyllsa - in my view, the problem is not whether you should engage with this part...

I have been focusing more on myself. I haven't thought much of my friend really for quite some time because I shut it all out. I'm only worrying about my relations with her because the therapist mentioned it and encouraged me to try and connect again.

I have been working on my own health such as trying to stay on top of doctor appointments and I'm waiting on getting an appointment with a psychiatrist. I don't know where to find another therapist that would be good for me and the insurance I called said there are still ways for my parents to find out if I used the insurance for anything.

 

[Iyllsa]

I had a friend who I started to rely on, and she was rather demanding about me telling her everythin...

My friend and I became close not through our health. It was only after some time I decided to open up to her about these things. I definitely regret that now because the second I did, she suggested I go to therapy and therapy encouraged me to think of my trauma and stuff that I managed to shut out for all my life. My friend was the only support I had and she kept insisting I use her to rely on.

I regret that and I want to go back to how things were when she didn't know I was struggling or having a bad day. It was never like we ONLY spoke about our health and negative stuff. We also spent a lot of time just sitting together and reading or doing whatever, or focusing on more fun/positive things. I'm shutting her out from my health because I see it as an improvement.

 

[Sideways]

It seems like a very "all of nothing" approach being taken here...??

There is a middle ground between relying on your friend, and withdrawing completely, yeah?

 

[Iyllsa]

It seems like a very "all of nothing" approach being taken here...??

There is a middle ground b...

That's what I'm trying to do. At first I had to completely distance myself to put space and let me figure things out without anyone. Now we are talking again, but not as frequently and I'm making sure to not talk when I'm feeling sad or unable to not let her find out. Sometimes that's more than a day so I end up putting distance completely. I do aim for that balance. I love her, she's my friend. I'm not turning my back on her and she still needs someone there for her too. If she asks for my help then I'll help her, but I'm not planning on relying on her in the same sense that she insisted on in the past.