My world just exploded!

[lostforgottensoul]

I would sit her down and say to her that you can not do this financially, physically or mentally with her addiction.

Advised already, several times

I would give her an ultimatum.... Rehab, or eviction.

Done but i told her my told me that to soften that a bit as I don't want her to think I am scheming with them.

She just noticed the blue thing is missing which has their life insur and stuff in it but apparently her birth cert and her SS card and what not is in there so now she is flipping out. I am trying to calm her by telling her I will go through it and those items I will give to her.

I hate this as I am directly in the middle and thats why doing it this way sucks. If I knew, maybe, but its putting me in such a bad spot.

Though, I am helping him and would even if he has never helped me.

If you let her stay and she doesn't have to face any of the pain of her addiction, and instead you, kids and her husband have to suffer the costs, and she has free food and board, then you are enabling her addiction. Regardless if she gets high at home or not, you are enabling her addiction and her enablers too.

Agreed. I just was never able to get my dad to see this. Apparently my brother did by getting POA taking my dad's choice out of it.

She asked me "what if I pay you $380, can stay?" And I didn't know what to say as I am trying to stay neutrual and also not rip any support out from under her, mentally. I am trying to remain mentally supportive. I need to say that I want to be on my own but in the moment I had no idea what to say. She cant get $400 a month anyway. Its less due to my car insur. Its in my dad's name, add on to his for his car and so they deduct that from rent.

It's best for her and you to draw the line, start the eviction now, give her notice, and take it from there.

I did't start eviction as that cost money and they all told me to hold off on it but I did say "dad said to be out by 7/31 or you will be evicted and forced out".

He left town with the goal of getting out from under his wife, but didn't even take his checkbook(s), or any steps to secure his finances, has fallen through on promises, signed away the right for someone else to manage his finances who doesn't seem inclined to act in your favor.

That's because he didn't go to MI with the goal of getting out from under her. He left to visit my brother for 2 weeks and planned to come back on the already purchased plane ticket on 7/5. My brother did all of this and told my dad he isn't coming back on 7/5 or anytime soon. But thats why my dad didn't take the checkbook or the blue thing holding all their important papers, or enough insulin. They are going to the VA to try to change everything but I may need to mail him his insulin. My dad had no idea about any of this.

 

[Justmehere]

Your dad can't manage this for you, and it is not healthy for any of you for him to try.

She's an addict who is not in recovery. She's going to not follow through on promises and she will believe you are scheming with them no matter what you do to be neutral. Unless you actively support her addiction, she will never see you as neutral, even if you are neutral.

I can see how much you are trying to have compassion for her. Maybe her addiction and struggle reminds you of when you were addicted and needed help.

You have told her rehab or leave, and that's good. Make a deadline of 3 days, put it in writing, give her the letter. Hold the boundary you have set, or else she has learned you don't really mean what you say, and your boundaries are not really solid and she will walk all over them.

The help she needs isn't to live with you or for your reassurance, although it is quite well meaning and compassionate.

Don't accept her trying to stay, no matter the amount of money she promises. She will come up with excuse after excuse, reason after reason, to avoid rehab - with much emotion. She will try to keep drawing you in. More and more. That's not healthy for you.

Do her a favor, do yourself and the whole family a favor, and draw the lines needed so that she hits her rock bottom quicker and gets professional help ASAP.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do her a favor, do yourself and the whole family a favor, and draw the lines needed so that she hits her rock bottom quicker and gets professional help ASAP.

The text I just sent her:

"Talk to [her son] and see what he can do to get you into a place by 7/31. We need to start planning here so that its not the end of the month and dad serves an eviction and you have no place to go. Just thinking and worried about you and wanting to make sure you have a place to go. A rehab to go into even if its not long term. It would be a start."

I'm trying to draw a line and a boundry. This is super hard for me. I'm trying.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, I told my dad that I put the eviction on him and that he can do that as he is also on the lease. He is ok with that. That stops her from weezling about "what if I pay you $400 a month". As, she would still be evicted by him. And there is a folder he had me grab and hide with the life insur policy & she freaked as her bith cert & SS is in it. She wanted to go through it and take out her stuff. I said, no, I will go through it. She talked about reversing the POA. I said that was none of my business and if he wants my brother & his wife to be POA, that is his business and none of my business. She also said "this all came on me fast. What about my stuff? What do I do?" I said her stuff isn't going anywhere and anything she left she could always get later and said to work on rehab before the 31st. Take one step at a time."

So, I am staying as neutral as possible. He is evicting her and I have no say in that. Not true but she doesn't know that. And reflection of referencing POA is none of my business. And she needs to figure out how to get into rehab before the 31st. I also stated don't worry about how long the rehab is. Any amount is better then nothing. It is a first step.

So, I am trying my best to lay boundries and stick to them. I'm trying.

 

[blueangel371115]

Good start. Hopefully you won't have to play hardball with them. If they don't respond, tell them that you're dropping her off at x homeless/women's shelter by this date and if they so choose, they can come get her. They are leaving you with the bag and that's wrong. Even your dad (as far as he's really in control) seems to want to be done with the whole mess. At this point, you don't owe her a thing she owes you. Her family needs to take the responsibility for her and they're not. I would be so pissed. I don't know how you do it. They need to step up and you may have to force them. Which, in itself is sad and pathetic.

 

[Justmehere]

I can see that you are trying to hold boundaries, and it's very hard to do that with addicts. That's why getting support for you is essential. Who is there to support you outside of your his dysfunctional family system? This is TOUGH stuff to do.

The longer this goes, the more she will find excuses to avoid rehab. When people do successful interventions for addicts, it's almost always a quick deadline - they either agree and actually go to rehab within hours or a day or connection is cut off until they do go.

This is because there is less time for them to find a way to run from the help they need. The chances of her actually going to rehab will drop every day that goes by. Your misery and your costs will increase.

Does your father own the house? Who legally has control over the house? Who is the landlord on the lease? It seems very precarious / self-sabatoging to leave the eviction up to an out of state person who is not anywhere near the premises and had to run to another state to get space. He can't even manage his own checkbook or legal/financial affairs successfully right now, and you are expecting him to take on more responsibilities successfully?

You are giving an unreliable person so much control and responsibility over your well being. I'd be worried about the most healthy 75 year old successfully evicting an addicted wife out of their daughter's house from another state. That's an extremely difficult and complex task.

Plus, it's a well meaning gesture, but you are not really keeping your own boundaries. You are subcontracting out responsibility for your boundaries to someone unable to effectively manage his own affairs, let alone yours.

Your intentions are good, just keep going a bit further. Keep up the effort to hold a clearer and stronger boundary of your own.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Who is there to support you outside of your his dysfunctional family system?

This site. That's it. I can't go see my therapist for another 4 weeks due to my job.

Does your father own the house?

Nope. We rent together. Its an apartment. He and I are on the lease together but the lease ends in Oct so he said he will stay on it and when I renew the lease I will go on it alone. They wouldn't let me go on it alone based on my income. Income is now higher. So, as long as the rent doesn't shoot super high I should be able to sign it alone.

Who is the landlord on the lease?

Neither one of us has more control. We are equals on the lease. The apartment is owned by a large reestate company.

He cant even manag his own checkbook or legal/financial affairs successfully right now, and you are expecting him to take on more successfully?

Yes he can. Maybe I am not explaining how this all happened correctly? He left the checkbook here because we all rarely write checks anymore and he was only planning on being gone 2 weeks so there was no need for it. He is fully capable of accessing his acct online and budgeting/managing.

and you are expecting him to take on more successfully?

I am expecting to not have to pay the $150 to $200 plus for an eviction, yes. Whether he pays (which he can, he has the money to) or my brother & his wife pays it, which they can, I don't care but I am personally not paying that. This was not my decision nor was I told about this and we were already taking steps with her Dr so I am not just going to offer up my money for something I knew nothing about nor have control over.

You are giving an unreliable person so much control and responsibility over your well being.

No I'm not and why is he unreliable? If it all comes down to "f*ck lostforgottensoul" then I will pay for an eviction but you tell me, given all details, why I should have to pay out $200 for that?

You are not keeping your own boundaries.

Again, have no idea what you are referring to.

You are subcontracting out responsibility for your boundaries to someone unable to effectively manage his own affairs, let alone yours.

I am not asking anyone to manage MY affairs but rather HIS wife. If he wants to get out from under her, fine, but why should I pay for that? Why should I be involved at all let alone pay for an eviction?

ETA: I am not sure what you are saying I am doing wrong here. You said I should help him since he helped me. I am doing that. You said that I should set boundries, I am doing that. You said to hold her to the 31st. I am doing that. I am unsure where you are staying I am doing wrong.

Keeping in mind that my dad IS of sound mind. He was tested and IS of sound mind. What am I missing here?

 

[joeylittle]

Starting the eviction process yourself, now, will not immediately cost you anything.

And the amount you mention for court fees is very small, especially compared to the cost of feeding her for two months, which is likely what you are looking at.

I don't understand why you wouldn't simply start eviction now. It seems to be the solution that will get you what you want - her not being your responsibility - fastest

You're angry about the $ on principle, I get that. But you don't gain anything by dragging your feet on this.

What am I missing? Why are you making it more complicated than it needs to be?

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, you want to be reasonable, sure. But you aren't, by any stretch of the imagination "neutral". And to be honest, I can't see how making your dad evict her is reasonable.

It sux that you're in this position, but it's where you are.
You need her out, your dad has walked away and it's actually not his problem at the moment, it's yours.

Your dad may have been assessed as having "sound mind", but he's clearly not coping right now. He's just not.
Your brother has given your dad somewhere to retreat to, and has agreed to help (by the POA) with your dads responsibilities.
After everything your dad has done for you, it's time to step up.

Yes, it sux to be in your position. But it's not (in the grand scheme) expensive to get her evicted when you compare that to your other options, and it a going to be a LOT easier for you to get her out than for your dad (who is not ok right now), to do that from where he is (mentally as well as geographically).

The eviction thing is on you. It's your issue, not his. You need her out, he doesn't. Don't punish him for falling apart by trying to make that his problem. Take responsibility for your problem, which is getting her out. You can do it, it's reasonable to do it, you need it done. So do it.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'd get her we one way bus ticket to Michigan. Those are pretty cheap.

I think it's awful that your father did this to you and his wife. Sending strength and courage your way.

 

[blueangel371115]

I'd get her we one way bus ticket to Michigan. Those are pretty cheap.

Or at minimum a ride to her own kid's place. She's their headache and they need to deal with it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What am I missing? Why are you making it more complicated than it needs to be?

I"m not. You tell me when I have time to go to the courthouse when I have to work 9am - 6pm Mon - Fri without missing ANY time for the next 4 weeks, when exactly I will have a chance to go to go to a courthouse open 8:15am - 5pm Mon - Fri? I leave for work at 8:15am due to traffic.

I am not making it complicated. They made it complicated. I am doing the best I can and I am about to f*cking loose my shit here. I am taking all the advise I can here but to expect me to some how find a way to a court house and shell out up to $400 (depending on what site you look at) and make it to work on time with the massive traffic here added with that construction which makes Orlando area traffic super bad is just expecting me to do the impossible.

AFTER the 4 weeks at work WHEN I am off Mon and Tue, if she needs to be evicted then I will f*cking evict her. But at the moment I am about to f*cking loose my shit and telling me that I am making this shit that just fell into my lap without any warning complicated isnt helping!