To be "perfect"

[Beemo3780]

I have an ongoing theme in my life that makes my PTSD worse at times, and that is my struggle to have things be "perfect" as kind of a means to prevent future problems. I grew up with parents that wanted everything to seem perfect, even though it was far from it. I had to have perfect grades, perfect looks (so much so that I became anorexic at age 9), nothing could be out of order. I have been thrown out of my childhood home for getting a B on a report card. My mother gave me money for bus fare and a pamphlet for a shelter in the city and told me that I was an embarrassment. I was 15. I had never touched drugs or alcohol, or really had done anything that terrible, yet I was the worst kid ever. My father still makes comments, to which my husband, who grew up with me, has snapped back at him.

I was in a very abusive marriage for 10 years, and I punished myself thinking that it was my fault and I was not the perfect wife. I did everything, cooked, cleaned, worked, took care of my daughter, my ex did nothing but steal money from me, cheat on me and use drugs. When I would confront him, he always turned it around on me, and of course that furthered my inner battle that I was horrible. I blamed myself, and I still do, but now because I didn't leave. I'm a smart lady, I'm strong, and I have a lot of talents, and it kills me that I wasted all those years trying to make a violent piece of shit happy.

Now, I'm right back with my struggle of perfection, and it's been more of a proactive approach to keep my PTSD symptoms at bay. If nothing ever goes wrong, I won't have issues. Of course, it's not working at all for me, and I realize that completely but can't shake it out of my head.

I got really stressed out last week because we were having my husband's coworkers over at our house for a BBQ. I spent a week working on the landscaping of our backyard to make sure it was, again, perfect. Here's little 5'5", 115 lb me outside by myself mowing all 2 acres, trimming the hedges, clipping tree branches, putting in new gardens. I agree that I go a little overboard. The day of the event, we had about 25 people over and I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc because it would drive me nuts if my husband did something incorrectly. He tried helping me paint our office and he had never painted walls before, and instead of showing him how, I just got annoyed and did the entire room myself.

I'm probably my own worst enemy at this point because I live in my head a majority of the time. I create so much work for myself. And then I spend days beating myself up if I either can't do it all or it comes out wrong. Anyone else dealing with this sort of thing? I feel like a freak sometimes....

 

[ladee]

Distorted Cognitions, look that up here on the forum.... it will help you to see the 'either/or' of your thinking, it's a good read and will help you to see many other things we are extreme about.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I can relate. Learning to more comfortably fly my freak flag was/is my only way through it..and purposely spending more time in the heart and less in the head definitely works in my favor.

I think family finally realized that it was much less energy draining for us all to happily let me do my thing rather than trying to have me fit neatly into their various little boxes, which is what kept me striving for that unattainable perfection status to begin with...and the self-talk is finally easing into a kinder, gentler groove, most days.

Lots of practice of many nurturing things, especially when things aren't off the hook and chaotic, helps me big time. That energy used to get spent on making everything else be okay and just right for everyone else. I remained last in line back in those days. Thanks to rapidly declining health, I had to reorganize my priorities.

Don't forget to breathe. Deeply and often. Nothing is or will ever be perfect...other than what already is...so give yourself a break. Pamper thyself, instead, healthily, every chance you get. Learn to be open to accepting imperfect loving help from those so eager to lend a hand, at your own pace.

Allow folks into that space a little bit at a time and celebrate the flow when you do. But that doesn't mean kick yourself in the ass repeatedly when you don't or when someone lets you down. It's a dance, not a race. Boogie down, but allow others to lead once in a while.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe work on letting go of total control?

 

[Ponderosa]

I have an ongoing theme in my life that makes my PTSD worse at times, and that is my struggle to have...

I was stunned reading this....as I hadn't seen a lot that got into the relationship between perfection and ptsd....but it's EVERYTHING that is messing me up.

I didn't have the crazy parents. Quite the opposite. Mine are chill, messy hippies - totally wonderful. I did all this to myself training as a high level gymnast until I got hurt. My LIFE revolved around perfection. 20+ years on it is still controlling me.

The real problem is that perfection leads to exhaustion. My yard is AMAZING. I constantly get comments on it...but I work myself to death in it. That paint story you told? Yes. I've painted and repainted and repaired and moved furniture and hauled crisp around...its unreal. I just have this drive for perfection that I cannot stop. After doing all that gardening or painting or car washing or whatever, I'll then go in my house and work an hour to clean my nails, buff the dirty skin off my hands, clean up and look perfect...all so that it appears that this vision of orderliness and loveliness sort of happens.

So all that extra info aside...the major problem is exhaustion. When I'm exhausted, anxiety takes over and my triggers emerge with greater force. Rest isn't always an option, as I have a busy family life and ptsd interferes with my sleep.

I've recently started thinking about getting therapy not for my ptsd per se (I do that already) but working to look harder at this perfection piece. My drive for perfection does not stem from trauma or abuse....but it's making the ptsd from my separate trauma unbearably hard.

My mother advised that...but when I let go of control, things fall apart. Literally - spouse does not get the kid's medication, kid doesn't get anywhere on time or sometimes at all, bills didn't get paid, dog was left outside in the sweltering heat. I'm trying so hard to let go of some control but I do need some support to do it.

I'm really wondering how beemo will answer the letting go of control part because ... my gosh, I would LOVE to!!! But I feel like I did try and I got burned.
Maybe I will open a separate thread in losing control so people can dig into it there. Don't want to take focus off beemo's original post.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It's all about balance and letting go of what really doesn't matter. When you have a bunch of people over, yes, they look at things, but seriously they would only care, if the grass was a foot tall, and the weeds were so thick in the garden that they chocked out the plants. The house, only if the dust bunnies have turned into tumbleweed. The walls that hubby tried to paint... only if he missed a whole section....

I did this for years, I tried to control everything around me, because I WAS SO OUT OF CONTROL!!!! My symptoms, my thoughts, my behavior, all out of control. Again, it comes down to letting go and dealing with your trauma. You were conditioned to "be perfect". No one is perfect, and your basically killing yourself trying to be.......

 

[EveHarrington]

I was stunned reading this....as I hadn't seen a lot that got into the relationship between perfectio...

It sounds like you married someone who reaffirmed your need for control. He won't do normal functional things so you must rise to the occasion and take care of everything.

 

[Beemo3780]

I do like to keep my surroundings in order, and I don't know if I'm a control freak or anything, but it helps my anxiety if I can plan for things. Being in an abusive marriage for 10 years pretty much made all of this so much worse. My life was chaos. I never knew what my ex was going to do, or what was going to happen to me. I think I'm now over compensating for all that. And my life now is so calm, and stress free, I think I don't know how to properly deal with that either. It's hard for me to let go and let other people do things for me, because I'm afraid I'll end back where I was. My ex did not do anything either, and on top of that, he added a whole bigger mess for me to deal with. I was finding myself getting wrapped up in his legal troubles in addition to really sketchy people he was hanging around.

My husband is the complete opposite of my ex. My ex was chaotic evil, my husband is lawful good. My ex was a high school drop out and drug user, my husband has a PhD and has never touched drugs. My husband is kind and loving, and tries to be helpful, but that's where I get all weird and try to do everything on my own. I grew up with my husband, and have more of a similar family background as he does. We both grew up in an upper middle class educated family. My ex just came about during a very rebellious time in my life. I don't think I would have ever met him had I not been trying to get away from my parents so badly. I know that's how he was able to prey upon me. He saw a mess, and he took advantage of that. And my whole sense of being perfect ended up being a lot worse, because where as my mother would harp on my physical appearance, my ex took it to a new level by repeatedly telling me that I was ugly and I was "lucky" he would even date me. He once even filled out an application for me to appear on a plastic surgery reality show to have my face "fixed". I don't think I'm ugly now, but he really did a number on me where I wouldn't let anyone see me unless I had full makeup on and my hair was completely done. I used to keep my head down so no one would look at me. Now I barely wear makeup, and I keep my head up and say hello to people.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Maybe you can start with letting go of very small things, and let your husband do them. He may not do them perfect, or up to your standards, but if you can just see that it's OK, and your world doesn't fall apart, then maybe you can start letting go of more... start small...

 

[Sideways]

Realising this is happening? Is actually huge (like, H U G E) progress. It's so so hard to identify these traits in ourselves, and have the insight to be able to say, "This has become dysfunctional for me, it's actually making me miserable..."

If the goal is to wind back, let go of the control of the smaller things, be able to accept 'good enough' as good enough, hang on to the insight with both hands.

People talk a lot about mindfulness like it's some kind of weird meditation thing. But mindfulness has a lot to offer with stuff like this, because it's about just being aware of what's going on: what am I doing right now, why am I doing it, how is it making me feel, what kind of thoughts is my brain throwing at me and are they helpful...

I've found it really helpful to throw a lot of energy at practising mindfulness as a way of being aware, in the moment, about what I'm doing and whether it's helpful or not, and to be more able to see the problematic thoughts and emotions that were tied to my dysfunctional coping behaviours as just thoughts and emotions, that I can engage in or let go of, as they occur, which helps me notice what I'm actually physically doing with my arms and legs, and consciously decide in the moment, "This actually isn't helpful for me, so I'm gonna change what I'm doing".

Just plain old noticing? So so helpful in tackling this stuff and meaningfully changing problematic behaviours. If I can notice I'm doing something dysfunctional in the moment, I can give myself the opportunity to choose to do hings differently. And choice is a really awesome kind of control to have:)

 

[blueangel371115]

I can relate. I got threatened and/or beat when I got a C on my report card. I literally wanted to die when I knew report cards were coming out. Nothing I did was ever good enough and the family would be 'judged poorly' because of it. My later relationships were similar. Basically I was a worthless piece of :poop: because I wasn't perfect.