Want to feel physical pain

[loui50]

I'm in a bad place emotionally right now. Ive had a very taxing day and I'm sitting here wishing I could hurt myself. Not suicidal. Just want to feel physical pain. Like the physical pain will ease the emotional pain. Anyone felt this way before? I"ve only felt it once and I didn't act on the impulse other than digging my fingernails into my palm of my hand until I fell asleep.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry, @loui50. I understand your reasoning, and this may not be what you want to hear, but I feel moved to share my experience.

I've been having fibromyalgia symptoms for about three months now. It is chronic pain all over the body, every freaking day. For me, it just compounds my PTSD symptoms. It doesn't distract from them; it just makes them worse. And it makes me feel overall even more vulnerable and unsafe, as I know I am no longer able to just pick up and run for my life anymore. At this point, I'd probably collapse after a few yards. I used to rely on exercise to help cope with PTSD and used to be in great shape, and now, the kind of workout I used to do is impossible. Thus, I'm worse off with the physical pain than I was before.

Just sayin'. Be careful what you wish for :hug:

 

[loui50]

Thanks hodge. I have never self harmed but ive never been closer that now. Im home with my family and i need to clear my head for my kids sake.

 

[hodge]

Can you try taking a vigorous walk? (I miss that!) Or going for a swim? Anything to work those bad chemicals out of your brain?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I know how you feel and fingernails was my first experience. I didn't even know I was doing it. In my opinion, this is a different pain than the fibromyalgia poster mentions. This is a pain that, when self inflicted, is caused at my own control. That is the only way I desire it to be. When I stubbed my toe the other day... nope, not the same thing. I don't want to do this and fight it. I have an accountability friend who is very helpful. The other day I was squeezing a shell with a pointy end. I messaged her and get the question. "Why are you holding a sharp object? What good could come of that?" Then she threatened to show me her arm that she mangled earlier in the week. Sometimes, you just need to snap out of it. It can be dangerous.

 

[loui50]

Its raining so no vigorus walk. My husband's work phone is ringing off the hook and it is driving me crazy. He is on call this weekend but i really need that damn phone to stop ringing. He has worked 5 hours today on his day off. I had to be social at a baby shower for 2 hours. I came home to half of dinner cooked and half not even started so the meat got cold while i cooked everything else and hubs was on the damn phone. Kids were in my closet screaming and playing and he was trying to get them out while on the phone. I need to run away!

 

[Ronin]

Like the physical pain will ease the emotional pain.

There's a high chance it won't. And it's not useful, short term or long term.
It's a distraction, it's not easing out the pain. You don't need distractions, you need to ease the pain, and hurting yourself won't do that for you.

 

[loui50]

@TexCat i have no one that i can talk to. I told t about the fingernail incident so she knows about that but i dont see her again for 2 weeks because im going of town. I really want to do and dont want to do it at the same time. I want to feel pain and im embarrassed about it.

 

[loui50]

@Ronin my logical brain knows hurting myself wont help but my emotional brain doesnt care. Does that make sense.

Thank you guys for talking to me. I just need to clear my head and i dont know how.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@TexCat i have no one that i can talk to. I told t about the fingernail incident so...

I am extremely embarrassed about it. I view this as an adolescent behavior due to my line of work, yet here I am thinking of ways to do it where no one can see the damage. And I am married, so that can be very limiting as well. I thought I had a wake up call the other day. Something slipped, drew a lot of instant blood. I freaked out! This was a bit out of the perceived control I thought I had. So I now have that friend to help me. And I try the cold water and cold shower thing. Is there a call line at your therapy place? For an accountability friend?

 

[Ronin]

Does that make sense.

Completely, and that's alright there's bit of a rift.

So what does your emotional brain has to say about this, what's your reasoning for the wish to hurt yourself?

I just need to clear my head

Did something help with that before? Is there something you feel like doing that would be healthier alternative, something else on your mind you could try out?

 

[loui50]

Is there a call line at your therapy place?

No. I can leave a message for t or i can email her. Either way it would be days for them to get back to me.