I should care. why am i now the "expert" on what to do with distraught friends?

[Deleted member 37474]

My h gets all serious last night while I am trying to unwind from work, so I pause my show. He says he is worried about a close friend of ours. This friend's mom had called my h to do a welfare check. Apparently, he had been crying to his mom on the phone because he has no family/relationship and is 56 years old. This friend is currently unemployed and doesn't seem to be making much effort to change that. He also didn't come over on the 4 th, which is very unusual. My h took him to lunch and listened to his crisis.

So, I told h, our friend should probably see a psychiatrist for depression. (This friend also may have undiagnosed ptsd, in my opinion from having a gun put in his face years ago while doing a work bank deposit.)

Regardless, my husband seems to think that I should know what to do since I see a therapist. I don't have these answers, I don't know all the therapists in the area and it is expensive. I don't know any psychiatrists. I am not the Internet or his friends Obamacare advisor. And I may sound as though I lack empathy here, but when I tried to tell my husband about my struggles earlier this year I got all of the victim blaming crap about my past, a 1/2 listen, an "I support therapy to improve your self esteem," a "you've never been in a life threatening situation." He didn't even know what disorder I have when he was telling our psychologist friend about my "therapy." He doesn't listen to me. We can just happily move along. I don't even try to explain my symptoms, I get weird or "stop it" stares when I react to triggers or talk to our daughters about safety. No empathy. But we need to take care of his friend.

Honestly, I do care about this friend (he is like family) too, but this is the sort of response that has created a jealousy in how I have felt between this triangular relationship for 18 years.

Am I off base and being selfish (and if I am, please put it in a nice way, I am sensitive)? What is my role here?

 

[Deleted member 40995]

That's not selfish at all, you want your h to show that he cares and understands about what you are going through. My mother was the same way, she didn't understand/empathize with me, but was with other people. You shouldn't have to be under such pressure to know what to do just because you see a therapist :(

 

[Suzetig]

Am I off base and being selfish (and if I am, please put it in a nice way, I am sensitive)? What is my role here?

Honestly? You don't have a role to play here, your husband expressed concern and you gave him good advice, i.e. for the friend to seek professional help. That's the extent of your role really. Yes you might offer practical support, or listen to him as a friend if you wanted to but you aren't responsible for him.

And I'd have very strong words with my husband if I found him speaking anyone about my therapy. Being in therapy is treatme for you, for your issues - out of that you might gain a bit of increased awareness of psychological health but that doesn't mean you have all or indeed any of the answers. It's like expecting someone undergoing cancer treatment to know how to treat all cancer.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Honestly? You don't have a role to play here, your husband expressed concern and you gave him good advi...

I think he spoke to that therapist friend because he wasn't sure if I needed to be in therapy. (because he doesn't listen or f*cking understand ptsd because he doesn't listen) She actually made him realize that therapy is where I definitely need to be, so in a way, it helped him be more supportive. Later, I contacted this acquaintance therapist friend and thanked her for steering him in the right thoughts about this. Since he didn't know my dx, I told her that I have ptsd from a past rape and she said that I can pm her any time. At the time, I was in therapy limbo waiting on my new T. So she did help me get through one night. Also, she said that it would actually be good for him to be in therapy as well and that most ptsd supporters should be. He currently is not interested in that.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

And... Now I just got a text from h saying that the friend is coming over tonight to swim and that I may need to sell him on therapy. So, I ask my husband if this friend knows that I am in therapy which is supposed to not be an open reality, and I haven't heard back, but feel panicked. I was okay with the therapist friend knowing because she understands privacy. Now I am wondering if the four people that were there that night with my husband all know. OMG, who knows that texcat is in therapy?

 

[Justmehere]

It's not your job to sell anyone on therapy. Hold your boundaries on this. If he needs advice on how to help a friend, perhaps suggest that maybe he should see a therapist, and otherwise decline to assist. It might just help motivate him to see one himself.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I agree with @Suzetig and @Justmehere. This is a good time to set some boundaries. Sending hugs...

 

[Mach123]

I get "weird" and "stop it" stares all the time. Your not being selfish, and I would have said "oh sure you want to talk all about therapy now because it's your friend but when it was me you couldn't care less." ( I can say stuff like that now) Then he'll tell you you're crazy if your relationship is like mine was. (I wouldn't say this now but I don't think she'd pull that on me now IDK) Your role is to make sure he considers you first not his friends. My partner always thought I should "understand" that she needed to give priority to these other people. I used to take it, and her arguments supporting it. Now I know better. (she wasn't evil or anything I just let her get away with it everyone's like that) Helping others is great and noble but not if your walking over or ignoring your significant other while you are doing it. I don't whine at her anymore I just say no. It's really hard to do it because I used to want to defend myself or stick up for myself and what I knew was right but I just came off as whining or abusive. Now I do it another way. My therapist helped me a lot when I didn't know what was right and wrong in my relationship.

 

[Nessa7]

My family puts me in this position all the time. Sometimes I'm okay with it, and other times it upsets me or starts to cross a boundary. When it starts to bother me and I'm put in an uncomfortable situation, I stick to my script. "There's nothing wrong with therapy. If you want help, you have to choose to put in the effort and get it. Your insurance company can tell you what therapists accept your insurance if you call the number on the back of your card. Self-diagnosing isn't helpful. Stop mixing alcohol with prescriptions." Etc.

I think that something that you might be able to take away from this is that your husband is capable of supporting someone, if he can support his friend. There's no reason that he can't move past whatever is keeping him from being understanding of what you're going through.

 

[EveHarrington]

You can't convince ANYONE to seek treatment.

(This is the hands-down consensus in new supporter threads when they ask how to fix their partners.)

If he doesn't want it for himself, he doesn't want it for himself.

Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom and then he'll be running toward treatment faster than greased lightning.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am I off base and being selfish

Nope! Not one bit!

What is my role here?

You have no role here and neither does your husband. Other then being a supportive ear and maybe a nudge to see a therapist. But no one should be looking up therapists for other people. I personally was forced into therapy ("go to therapy or move") but I took the steps to go to my step mom's MD myself and got the referal to my PDoc myself, went to the PDoc alone, asked for a male LMHC in the group in that session, and then went to my therapist alone. And continued going. So, though forced, I still took those steps. You can lead a horse to water. Its very true. You aren't google. He can research therapists himself. He may use some nudging as in suggestions and being advised that there isnt anything wrong with seeing a therapist (as many think there is, especially if its a long time) but thats all anyone can do. Including your husband.

And for the recorded, id be pissed too and id make that known. Something along the lines of this:

oh sure you want to talk all about therapy now because it's your friend but when it was me you couldn't care less."

And yep, id totally say that too, verbatim. Because that is insulting. To me anyway. He is your husband. He should be the most supportive to you, not his friend. In my opinion.

And/or Id ask if he wanted to marry said friend. But thats cuz Im a smart ass.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Nope! Not one bit!



You have no role here and neither does your husband. Other then being...

Thank you. Pretty sure he knows that he crossed the line for telling them that I am in therapy and assuming I would speak about its greatness, I did text him with questions 3 or 4 times at work and then called if he didn't answer which is not a normal behavior for me. Then I took my kid out for frozen yogurt at the time he and his friend were showing up at the house. Manipulative... maybe, but I think him not seeing my car got my point across. We have tucked this conversation away for another time. The evening actually went well and therapy didn't come up and I am glad because the mere word ties my stomach in a knot and I don't want to talk about it.