Need closure ideas

[Fadeaway]

Ok, just deleted an entire page worth of back story.

Anyways, after child loss and years of isolation and f*cked up coping methods, then meeting my now husband I became obsessed with trying to become a mother again. Physical trauma from abuse and other factors led to me being unable to conceive again. tens of thousands were spent unsuccessfully on I.V.F. even moved to 2 different states to so we could be close to fertility Dr.s I thought could help us after hundreds of hours of pain staking research.

People ask why we moved to this state. We lie and say it was for my husbands job. Nope, it's because one of the few Dr.s left willing to implant multiple embryos was here.

Anyways we went broke doing this. Didn't know that I had a gene defect that causes folic acid supplements to cause you to miscarry. (MFTHR) any one suffering from chronic miscarriages please get checked. Can't afford another round. Mentally, I don't think I could handle another round. I am at that age now anyways were the the success rate drops to below 30% add in my healthy issues and it drops below 10%.

Out side of my husband no one knew. I went through a couple of rounds as a member of this site but told no one. After my last failure, I actually lost a few friends because they didn't know what was going on, but I didn't want to tell anyone what I was doing because a friend had lost her baby right after I started the process. It's been a year now. I want to tell them. I want to explain that my bizarre behavior was the result of lupron and gonl-f injections. My modest behavior in the middle of summer was to disguise the football size bruises extending from my stomach to my upper thigh from the injections. I don't know if I should, it wouldn't accomplish anything, at least nothing positive, but damn I think it would feel good to get it off of my chest.

Anyways, to the point! I have $6,000 of inject-able medication in my fridge. It is taking up a lot of space, it's expired pretty much. can't get my money back. I know people are willing to pay for it illegally but not willing to risk the legal consequences.

I have to part with it sooner or later, and I want to work it into some kind of mourning closure type ceremony deal. I don't know if that is even healthy nor do I have ideas for how to go about it. I just have this f*cked up thinking like if I get rid of it, even though I know I am not going to do another round, hmmm... how to word this... I think there might be some kind of really f*cked up transference issues in seeing the medication as a I would an actual unborn child, and like throwing the medication out would make me some kind of monster.

Anyways. I have to stop avoiding it and refusing to part with it, and I have to stop break some patterns. Then there is this part of me that feels like i have been harboring a dark secret because I didn't tell anyone what was going on at the time and I feel guilty for that.

Yes, this is triggered in part by finding out about a couples pregnancy that have business having kids right now. mostly the meth addict father to be sponging off of the enabling mother to be with out of control medical issues/ type 1 diabetes because he spends the money for her insulin on meth and then she ends up in the hospital, like every other week, no joke and even though she works they owe everyone in my building money because before we new it was meth, he was telling everyone who knew she had been in the hospital that he needed the money to pay for her insulin. So yeah, serious jealousy issues going on too.

Thank goodness for this place because sometimes i feel like I am keeping so much in side during my day to day in person interactions that I am going to bust without a pressure release. I have typed out so much more than I have actually kept and deleted tons, but I felt so much better just typing it out.

So I try to read the forums or watch a youtube video to distract me, but no matter what I can't get my mind off of how angry I am that she is pregnant. I mean she is a sweet girl, young and very naive but her boyfriend is a P.O.S. and the thought of them bring a baby into that environment.... and it's not like I can call CPS yet.. It's only a matter of moths before he gets them kicked out of here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Fadeaway I can't even fathom how distraught/exhausted/frustrated/angry you must be and feel about all of this.... Just wanted to say I am sorry. Life is so unfair at times....

 

[One step at a time]

I hear you. I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I'm glad that you chose to break your silence in a way that feels relatively safe. A mourning ritual could bring closure... I hope that in time, you find peace.
Sending support.

 

[amosmorris]

thank you for sharing all this--so painful and hard. I find your desire for a closing or mourning ritual hopeful: it means you long to move forward and to heal. That's a lot of resiliency and a fighting spirit. I send you healing and peace.

 

[scout86]

I have to part with it sooner or later, and I want to work it into some kind of mourning closure type ceremony deal.

I like that idea. First, what do you know about safe disposal methods for that stuff? If it's got any activity left, there are probably more, or less, appropriate ways to dispose of it.

Then, what would be a meaningful ceremony, for you? What does your husband think? What about inviting those friends who you debated about including in the whole process? A funeral is a more or less public event. It lets people gather to share in the grief of those closest to the loss. I can see potential for some sort of ceremony with this for the same reason. And you can sort of explain all that behavior you're now wondering if you should have explained earlier too.

All this must have been incredibly hard! I'm sorry it didn't work out differently. A kid would have had a very caring and attentive mother with you on the job.

So, what are you thinking would make a meaningful ceremony?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Hugs from my heart to yours. Not sure if they can be disposed of safely in dirt or not, but regardless, the first thing that came to my mind is to plant something, or many things, as a ceremonial mourning and release activity. Perhaps even go as far as making it something edible (and preferably perennial and very low maintenance) that will continue to grow and nourish others as you observe and know that you helped make something beautiful grow and flourish, after all. Wildflowers for the bees, fruit trees, etc. work well, too. Perhaps add a special marker of some sort in the growing area(s) that marks the meaning of your efforts.

 

[Justmehere]

I was struggling to let something go and my therapist and I found seed paper and wrote down messages and cut the paper into butterflies and "planted" the paper. I found it helpful and healing.

I have a friend who released butterflies to mourn a loss of her own.

 

[Friday]

Do you know about the Japanese cemeteries of unborn children?

I move too far and too often to physically recreate one, but in my head & in my heart that's where mine are. One of the places I played as a child, in a cemetery of unborn children, near Kamakura.

Just thinking, if you needed something physical? Replacing vials with a Jizō statue / token to the water children (unborn/ miscarried/ stillborn) might resonate.

 

[Ronin]

I think there might be some kind of really f*cked up transference issues in seeing the medication as a I would an actual unborn child

Just to say what something is symbolically to you isn't f*cked up. It's a place it held in your life for deep and painful reasons; of course it's a sore spot and all sorts of complicated to deal with now.

Sometimes, it's the spot things held in our heart that's needing more tenderness than what all is up with it physically. (Gentle thoughts to you).

 

[Fadeaway]

Sorry, I haven't replied to this sooner. I have been in total avoidance mode since I made the thread. I get the guts to share, then I feel overwhelmed by the responses that I don't reply back. :hug: everyone. You all mean so much. to me.

Just thinking, if you needed something physical? Replacing vials with a Jizō statue / token to the water children (unborn/ miscarried/ stillborn) might resonate.

Really love that idea.