Sufferer Child sexual assault survivor struggling to share in therapy

[Deleted member 42957]

Okay . I've been seeing a counsellor for nearly a year. She is kind, honest and has tried lots to help me speak about my past but I still cannot. She thinks I have ptsd. I do trust her but not completely. I struggle to trust people I know. I believe if people don't know anything then I cant be hurt. I have not been honest in my sessions as I don't want to appear a complete failure and for her to know if I'm not coping. I know I cannot get her help if she doesn't know what the problem is. I want so badly to connect with her or someone enough to get stuff out and be open but cannot allow myself to be close enough to someone to do this. I realise that sometimes I do feel I'm connecting with her and will stubbornly stop as it feels uncomfortable. I have now stopped therapy on her suggestion as therapy can't work if I'm not honest and don't trust her. She has said I'm welcome to go back anytime if I can be totally honest and open. Now I feel I have failed at the one thing I was hoping would work . Completely lost and low .No one knows I go. No one knows anything. I feel so alone but my own doing I know. I am a very private quiet person who keeps everything to myself. If I cannot say what's wrong how can I move on? I'm 41. Have a partner and two teenage children. A large family. I don't want to talk to them as they have taken this long to now get on with their lives and no one talks about the past. I don't want to stir it all up again. Suggestions please?

 

[Bristol]

I could i have written your post! The only way i have managed to get anywhere with therapy is emailing, whenever i have something to tell my T i email it over to her before the sessions then we talk around it. Im hoping eventually i get to the point where i can go through everything again but tell her this time but its been a long road getting this far. Its sounds more like your T has given you a break rather than it being that you have failed. This stuff is really hard but every step is an important one.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Hello and thank you Bristol for your reply.

My T has asked me to email and have sent a couple of poems I wrote but when it comes to discussing them in session I can't talk about them and just divert away from it or don't speak to avoid being upset and panicking. Also when I have tried to write something in an email with some detail I then get paranoid that it could go to the wrong person or my T could accidentally pass it on so I delete it. I know this is highly unlikely. It is really frustrating. I really don't want to cry in front of her and have not yet. I wish I could plug a data cable into my head and just transfer it all across to her without saying a word. Also somethings that I need out are so embarrassing and disgusting and I'm too ashamed to even think about sharing with someone.

I need to be very close to someone to be open which has never happened but how can I allow myself to do that knowing that I then have to stop contact? It's like giving a gift and then taking it away.

We've tried art which I love but I can't talk about my pictures and games etc and all end up with me not talking because it's too difficult.

I also worry that she may contact my doctor if I discuss s/h or things I think about. I worry about everything.

How do you feel once you have sent an email to your T? Do you panic or get upset before or in your session when you talk around it?

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

Avoidance is a common symptom for PTSD sufferers. Has your therapist been working teaching you any coping or grounding skills to manage the anxiety you feel?

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Welcome to the forums!

Avoidance is a common symptom for PTSD sufferers. Has your therapist been w...

Hello Justmehere.
She has done breathing exercises with me and mindfulness. I've been doing a daily 10 minute meditation. What is grounding please?

 

[Bristol]

@Mangochutney i freak out after sending T an email but once it is done its done. I check really carefully that i have the right person, and reread it a million times but it works, i struggle to talk about what i have said in the email but T works with me on it. I send over my memories that way, warts and all, the shame is unbearable but she has never been anything but amazing with the response. Im facing her in the morning after another email but i know itll be ok, uncomfortable but ok. My T always reassures me that the emails are deleted after she has seen me and asked any questions she has, can you get that kind of reassurance? Message me if i can help encourage you but it really does just take alot of time

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad she is working on mindfulness and meditation. Grounding is just another way to cope with emotions. Here's a good thread about it: Grounding Techniques : Group Effort Article

Challenging any cognitive distortions you might have might also be helpful. For example, I get really scared that if I share, my therapist will do xyz. Leave, think I'm strange, tell me I'm terrible, not believe me, etc. I also sometimes think "I won't be able to handle it" --- and that thought alone triggers more anxiety. I talk to her about these thoughts and fears. We come up with challenges to these thoughts. CBT in general runs on the basic idea that thoughts lead to emotions which lead to actions. Maybe identifying some of the thoughts behind the feeling of fear, and challenging them a bit might help change the action of shutting down.

 

[anonymous]

Hello. I am so very glad that you posted this today. I could have written this myself, except I couldn't seem to pull the words together so eloquently.

I struggle a lot with talking in therapy and also tend to go mute out of fear. I have been with my therapist for a year as well. I am extremely frustrated with the lack of progress, perhaps mostly because I realize it is my fault for not talking.

Also when I have tried to write something in an email with some detail I then get paranoid that it could go to the wrong person or my T could accidentally pass it on so I delete it. I know this is highly unlikely. It is really frustrating

I do this as well. I used to be allowed to email my therapist, but he has revoked this privilege, I think in part because of what you have described.

Because of my inability to open up in session, I would email. Then I would freak about the email and convince myself that I had likely upset my therapist so badly that he was going to abandon me. I would either send him another email, or would come into the next session so fearful that it took half of the session for me to calm down enough to talk.

He said, "No more email." When I asked why, he said it was because I should talk in session to him. I should simply remember that he was not mad at me when we ended the session and he would not be mad when I walked back into the door.

I really don't want to cry in front of her and have not yet. I wish I could plug a data cable into my head and just transfer it all across to her without saying a word.

I love this comment regarding the data cable. I don't cry in session either, but do in the parking lot sometimes when I leave.

How do you feel once you have sent an email to your T? Do you panic or get upset before or in your session when you talk around it?

Only once has my email been brought up in session, and I could not talk about it. I was upset going in, and more upset when I left.

I don't have good advice or an answer for you because I struggle in exactly the same way. I will say that I was upset when he said, "No email," but I am starting to understand why. He is right that I don't have to worry about it if I never send one.

He has suggested bringing a handwritten or printed list to session. Maybe you could write the email and not send it, but rather print it?

This is all easier said than done, I understand. I might not ever appear with a list or pull it out of my pocket.

Good luck, and let me know when you figure it out. I still have not.

 

[Mach123]

I actually went through a period of trying to keep it in. Judith Herman wrote about it in "Trauma and Recovery." I remember the family crisis intervention team was coming to the house and they got me stabilized eventually and they were like "you really didn't want that to come out." It was coming out and I couldn't do it or face it so I reacted by trying to kill that part of me with drugs so it wouldn't get out. Problem is, all of us would have died. Then I sat in front of a few different therapists for years "not talking about it." Now I can talk about it. In fact right now that's all I want to talk about. Some of the stuff that comes out, on here especially which has been very helpful, I'm sometimes shocked to hear! I don't go back and edit and stuff as much or delete it. I used to do that a lot. I'd tell the therapist things and call her on the way home all freaked out because I'd want to "delete" everything I'd just told her. Sometimes now I wonder if I've actually told her everything, I might have. I sort of tear up a lot I wouldn't call it crying actually. I am comfortable doing that with her now but I beat the hell out of her (in a figure) for a year or so until I knew I could trust her. (This means I pushed her and pushed her, telling her to go away.) The last few weeks have been really bad (about the crying) but I know it's actually good. I'm sort of crying all the time. It's been a long time coming.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Thank you all for helping. I'm a bit stuck for words.Never done chat or forums before. I'm gratefully surprised.

 

[Justmehere]

You are not alone in this struggle for sure! It took me a long time before I could open up. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[NewBeginnings]

I can relate to lying to my therapist-
My second session (still intake) she asked if I had experienced any trauma - asked about relationship with my father- asked about all sorts of stuff. I was in Therapy to make sure I could function enough to get by for a few months - surely my past had nothing to do with the present. I lied and lied some more and then I would be honest and tell her that I lied about x at one point. My T reminds me that I will share when I am ready. Therapy is at my pace, she does not push me.
I know this sounds horrible and I really don't try to lie - my T says i am trying to protect myself until I can feel safe.

Then when so much came out a few weeks ago I said I am sorry I lied - Her response was I was not ready to face it. AND she said she was not surprised. Therapist must have heard it all and know when we lie. It is ourselves we are lying too.

I write in a notebook - and often never show my T but it helps me process. Then sometimes I bring her something I wrote and hand it to her at the end - read 1or 2 sentences or burn it!!