Not sure if it is all worth it, will thing really ever get better

[recoveringfromptsd]

Will be doing actual EMDR in 2 weeks, but already I am having to process painful stuff, sometimes it hurts so much I wish life was all over so I could stop hurting.

It seems my whole life all I do is struggle to either exist or to feel better. It seems like it will never end, I am tired.

I just wish the hurting would stop, I would be very happy if something happened to me that would accomplish that.

I am not suicidal right now as some may think, but I do wish for an end, which may never happen.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not sure what your trauma was, so I speak based on recovering from CSA (as I know trauma type can effect prognosis).

Processing made a world of difference in certain areas. In others, not so much, and it's these areas I still struggle with today.

Is processing worth it? YES! Digging into the trauma just sucks. There's no two ways about it.

:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@EveHarrington Will it ever end? Will I always be struggling with this forever?

At times this is all to much.....

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington Will it ever end? Will I always be struggling with this fo...

I can't tell you the truth because I don't know the truth.

Will it end? I don't know. What I do know is that PTSD free moments grow into PTSD free minutes which grow into PTSD free days, PTSD free weeks, PTSD free months, and so on.

Can PTSD hell come roaring back with a vengeance? Hell yeah. I was nowhere near a state of remission but I had improved a lot. Only to have a series of major stressors and triggers bring me back to rock bottom again. Im still trying to claw my way back. But you know what? As hellish as this bout is, it's not as bad as it was before. Maybe part of it is knowing that things can get better because they did get better. I'm running on proof instead of running on blind faith like last time.

:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@EveHarrington I guess I am at the blind faith stage, and it scares me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Will it ever end?

Yes! But it takes a lot of work, time, and it does get worse before it gets better. But, yes, it does get better!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am not sure I will ever be able to heal from this. I know if this fails, that my regular T knows I would likely choose to end it and would likely have me put on a psych hold, if that happens there are more ways to leave this world than physically, I can leave mentally, and sort of do what part of my mind has already done which is cut off painful memories, and no longer mentally participate with the outside world. It won't be the first time.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm worried about your stance "if this fails"....

The truth is that for many of us, we have to try multiple therapies before healing. EMDR may work, it may not. EMDR is not the be all and end all of processing. There are other effective methods as well. The same goes for other types of therapies. Some thrive on CBT while others find it ineffective. The same can be said about DBT and ACT and exposure therapy and so on.

And......the same goes for therapists. No one therapist can teach us everything. I have been through so many therapists it isn't even funny.

I don't mean to discourage you. I don't mean to make it seem insurmountable. What I'm trying to say is that every type of therapy, every therapist we see....they can all add something positive to our healing journey, and rarely is it one single person or one single therapy that can do it all.

Putting weight on one therapist or one therapy to be the end all and be all of healing is an extremely tall order, one that is more likely to fail.....simply because the nature of healing is so very complex.....we all heal differently and the only way we can heal is by trying different modalities. There is no way of knowing what works for us until we try it....trial and error.

Please don't feel discouraged! This battle is won by inches acquired over time, rarely do we ever conquer it in one fell swoop!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@EveHarrington Your not the only one, my T understands it but would prefer I had a better outlook on the future. But one has to understand the past 35+ years since my abuse, I have been in hospital over 50 times, committed many times with one potentially heading for a long term or permanent commitment, attempted suicide about 25 times, with a few near successful. I have been labeled a chronic suicide risk years ago, thus was placed on a psych hold at the first sign of problems (even being depressed several days I was sometimes put in hospital out of caution).

And in those 35+ years I never got the help I needed until last year. So I am hopeful, in the sense of I am getting the help I need for the first time, but all those years have been a life of struggle for even basics, and a miserable existence. My misery is directly tied to my Situational Uncertainty form of hypervigilance that makes it impossible to cope with some problems that others can easily that are part of everyday life. I don't want to continue living with that kind of misery, and I have a life time of tries towards fixing me, and a lifetime of failures in that regard.

But since my T is well aware of how I feel in this regard, I know if she sees that I believe the EMDR is failing me, she will seek to prevent what she knows I might do. But I am more hopeful that in the past, as the EMDR protocol has help me understand and connect the dots when it comes to memories, trauma, and the resulting effects and behaviors. I am just saying if it fails such that things don't change in relation to my PTSD then I know I won't be allowed to do what they know I would do. So I have to do the next best thing, and that is retreat mentally and isolate my mind from the outside world like I did for a while decades ago, within itself it's the only safe place for my mind to be.

I am tired of all this, and the EMDR while it gives hope, it's a mountain I am not sure I can climb successfully. And the suffering along the way of the process HURTS.

But consider this, how I feel right now is in part coming from the HURT.

 

[Tinyflame]

@recoveringfromptsd , could you please explain what this is??, or if possible PM me? :

directly tied to my Situational Uncertainty form of hypervigilance that makes it impossible to cope with some problems that others can easily that are part of everyday life.

Thank you so much.

From what you've said- relatively speaking- it's a short while doing what is helping/ healing vs what you tried before, ie the proportion of time is less in relation to length of time trying other things. As that proportion grows I believe you will find more peace.

I wish you peace and recovery & joy. :hug: .

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

in my form of hypervigilance situational uncertainty is generally any situation where I have no control or influencing the outcome. All goes back to the way my abuse done and being betrayed by those who should have been protecting me.

I am just really scared by this, in a way it's the uncertainty that I am reacting to, and it's painful. I just wish it all would go away.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you stable right now? Do you know a lot of positive coping skills? Are you able to use these positive coping skills when in distress?