Crying & comfort

[Deleted member 42665]

Are therapists supposed to NOT comfort upset clients? A online friend of mine was asking her T about this sort of thing and she said that the role of the counselor was not to comfort.

I have no cried in therapy but I may at some point and the idea of him staring at my quietly or him leaving the room, both make me uneasy. I asked him before about it and he kinda suggested both of those options

However, he does hug me at the end of every session and he has previously said he has hugged clients before who had a "tough session"

I think just growing up with emotional abuse/neglect, the idea of crying alone, or being watched is not helpful and makes me wanna fight it more, I want comfort...


So that's why I'm asking this, if they are not supposed to do those sorts of things? if no, why?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I haven't cried in therapy but my t would for sure not comfort me. What exactly do you want in terms of comfort?

I don't know if leaving the room is helpful. I'd ask him why he thinks that would be a good option.

My t would likely just sit there patiently while I avoided eye contact. And when I was done and was sufficiently embarrassed I'd prob announce I'm embarrassed and look at her and I KNOW she would be happy for me. That she would feel that I was in pain (different from her taking it on as her own) and would be thrilled I stayed with my emotions. And THAT, to me, is how they can be there for you. You can comfort yourself. That's what I imagine most people learn in therapy. You can be there for what you're going through and their job is that help you see that.

 

[loui50]

My t has hugged me after a particularly tough session, but i asked for it. Normally she just waits me out. I wish she would comfort me. Like put a hand on my shoulder or even tell me im okay. She has told me ive done well in particularly tough sessions. But not the comfort i got from my old t. But....my old t had brurry bounderies with me and my current t has good boundries. I think i need the boundries more than the comfort right now.

 

[Maybe1day]

Having recently had this discussion myself with my T, who also says no to comforting physically but rather to just be there in the moment with me and guide me. I felt a little bit deflated by this, but after much thinking I have actually come to the conclusion that I think by just being a witness to my feelings and emotions that she is just trying to empower me to grow and heal myself!
I think I'm lucky to have a T with strong boundaries because in the long run I think it will help, even though sometimes I do feel a little sad and alone.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I haven't cried in therapy but my t would for sure not comfort me. What exactly do you want in...

I already know how to comfort myself. I have done it my entire life. I literally only cry alone or with my dogs. What I do not know how to do or feel ok doing, is showing emotions with others. If I ever cry, I think comfort would be helpful, because I could realize I am capable of feeling emotional connections with people, right now, I am not

As for comfort...don't much care what. Hug, sit close, cry with me, etc... anything but sitting quietly.

He only said he would leave if it was something the client asked for

 

[Missycat]

i would agree with @Maybe1day and @UnicornSightings - my t has a similar approach. I have only ever really cried a couple of times and she has talked to me or asked if i want to sit quietly and her not speak - her way of supporting me and almost giving me a 'virtual hug' is to help me deal with my feelings, allow them to show and accept them.
Im a very tactile person but i wouldnt expect a hug from her. I suppose we all have different needs.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I already know how to comfort myself. I have done it my entire life. I literally only cry alone or w...

But your therapist is not your friend. There needs to be some sort of boundaries in place to keep you feeling safe. A good therapist will definitely not cry with you. It's your pain, not theirs. It isn't shared. And think of how many clients would be super freaked out by that. I would take that as a sign my t can't handle what I'm going through. I think it would be really good to talk to him about all this. Get his opinion on everything. We can guess at it but it's easier to just ask, you know? Even if it's uncomfortable.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

But your therapist is not your friend. There needs to be some sort of boundaries in place to k...

so its obviously a no to my original question.

i see nothing wrong with a therapist also showing their human side... and crying with a client. they can't help how they feel, maybe they do feel pain, some people have compassion and they don't have to know the pain first hand to have compassion for others.

we have talked about it, many times.... i realize he is not my friend, thanks for the kind reminder.

again, so friends and family are the only people allowed to comfort others? what about complete strangers comforting people in times of sorrow? is that wrong too?

i honestly doubt ill ever cry anyway. ill keep my emotions in like i have my whole life.

i just was curious on if comfort is not ok and i guess its not

 

[UnicornSightings]

Complete strangers aren't doing a job. I feel like maybe you're forgetting that. The therapist's job is to EMPOWER you. So you can go out in the world and feel all the things you want, knowing you'll be ok. If your therapist provided the comfort you so desperately seek, that would be ultimately detrimental for your growth and would likely result in more dependency than is good for you. It's about helping you realize your own strength.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Complete strangers aren't doing a job. I feel like maybe you're forgetting that. The therapist...

Hmm ok whatever. A simple No in response to my question would be ok. I am not forgetting it, by the way. I think you are forgetting they are also humans.... I LIKE that about them, showing their human side sometimes is good... if I wanted to talk to a heartless ass, I'd chat wth my family and cry with them.

Anyway... like I said, I have no intention of ever doing it or allowing myself to feel emotions with others. I'm done posting here. Sorry I came back.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I am happy with my Therapist, if he does cry with me, in the unlikely event I ever do, it would be beautiful and make me feel empowered.... I find it highly rude/offensive you would say he is not good because he has a heart. I would not pick any other therapist on earth

 

[UnicornSightings]

I feel like you're trying to take offense for some reason and I'm just trying to help. And a therapist is human of course but their job is to help you, not indulge in their own emotions. It's for your benefit. I'm not sure what you see about "holding space" isn't human. It's incredibly hard to do and so good for us.