Dating help

[Be Braver]

Hiya everyone,

So I've just started dating again after a breakup after of 2.7 years being with someone. I met this guy that I really, really like. We've gone on 3 dates and he asked if I would be interested in a 4th. He knows my history because I try to be very upfront with it. He's a little hesitant because he has dated someone with mental health issues in the past and it didn't work out. I told him that's fine and that I'm not in a rush. We kissed for the first time last night and it was nice, but now my anxiety is off the charts. He is older than I am and I don't know what his expectations are in a relationship in terms of a timeline with intimacy. That's the one thing that is sure to get a panic attack still, and though I'm will ing to work through it not knowing his expectations freaks me out. It's way too soon to have that conversation but I can't get my brain to shut up now. Any advice?

 

[The Albatross]

3 dates isn't really a "relationship" yet... way too soon to discuss this stuff however you can self examine your wants/needs/desires and decide some things about how YOU would like to deal with those issues.

 

[Beans]

Hey! Good on you getting back out there. Sounds exciting (and scary lol.)

I think it's the same as disclosing your ptsd early. I personally don't think it's too early to talk about intimacy (prob b/c i'm 30 and here a fair amount of pple expect you to sleep with them pretty early on.) Next time you kiss or anytime it's ok to say i enjoy kissing you but i'd like to take it fairly slowly before moving onto other things. It takes a while (a few months or whatever) for me to become comfortable but I'll let you know when i feel more ready. Remember, and it may sound bad, his timeline doesn't matter. It's your timeline that does. (Or whoever takes longer to feel comfy.) You want to be completely comfortable so if that's tomorrow or 3 or 6 months away, that's just the reality of the situation.

Someone who's good for you will respect the time it takes for you to feel comfortable regardless of their preferred timeline. Anyone who would push intimacy before you're both ready is not the person you want to be with. Look at it this way. If your preferred timeline is 3 dates and his is 10- you'd still wait 10 cause you'd want your partner completely comfortable being intimate. If it's too long for him and he leaves that's ok. No matter what I'd def recommend not moving into something you're not ready for if he or anyone wants to do it before you're comfortable. Imo that's not an area to compromise on.

 

[Supervixn]

Honestly?

I don't like his attitude toward mental health and dating... you are someone who has an illness she didn't ask for but tried to be upfront and honest about it. Whatever if it was too early to disclose your PTSD... the truth is the truth *whenever* you disclose it, so the ones who cant handle it can just get a running start and head right on out the door.

I actually see his attitude toward mental illness as a huge red flag... I think it's just going to cause problems when your illness flairs up. And that's beyond your control.

I see you're excited about him and I dont want to be the debbie downer of the situation, but... you should probably back off a bit and see how he responds. You cannot be anything more or less or different than who you are. PTSD is a part of you and your history and it would only help to be with someone who can handle what goes with it.

I'd caution not to get your hopes set too high... but just enjoy yourself without expectation. If you have a good time, cool. If you dont, whatever. Don't put all your eggs in one basket because it's been a little while since you dated... you are worth way more than that.

Good luck. Dont let anyone make you feel like you aren't as worthy because you have PTSD.

 

[Friday]

That's the one thing that is sure to get a panic attack still, and though I'm will ing to work through it not knowing his expectations freaks me out. It's way too soon to have that conversation but I can't get my brain to shut up now. Any advice?

It's early days. His expectations don't matter. At all. Not even a teeny tiny bit.

Does that concept trip you out?

It's probably the single biggest difference in my dating-before-abuse & dating-after-abuse. Before DV it would never have occurred to me to know -much less manage- someone else's expectations. That's their business, not mine. It only becomes my business -to a very small degree- IF we decide to make this a committed long term partnership AND I agreed with his expectations. After DV? :wtf: One of those paradigm shifts where living in it taught me to be extremely manipulative (making sure I always knew/anticipated their expectations & met them in the way they wanted them best met... Ugh. So. Gross.).

It's taken several years to -mostly- set that aside. To neither be wrapped up in their expectations, nor the opposite, refusing to allow others to have wants and needs of their own without viewing them as a threat.

Doesn't mean I don't still go there. Shrug. It just means when I catch myself getting emotionally invested (freaking out about, determined to know, can't stop thinking about, emotional about, etc.) in what they want/might want, need/might need... I have stop myself. Nope. That's treating them like an abuser. Of course they have needs/wants/desires. What they are? Aren't my business.

 

[Be Braver]

@The Albatross Yeah I wasn't saying we're in a relationship for sure! Way too early that kind of stuff has to be a full on confirmation for me to consider it a relationship. But I seems like we're on the path towards that hence, the anxiety about it.

@RealisticandHopeful Thank you so much for your words of support. He seems like he would be responsive to that, and I already kinda warned him that it is difficult for me so he isn't completely blindsided. He is very respectful with me. It just feels so awkward. Everyone else I've ever dated I was friends with first so they kinda new what they were getting into.

@Supervixn His ex tried to commit suicide in his presence so I get his hesitations. He isn't hesitant because of my PTSD he is hesitant because I used to be suicidal and self harmed 4 years agoand currently have an eating disorder. He said he's afraid to watch someone self destruct again. I told him I'm on a pretty solid foundation now, but my eating disorder is the one area that still affects me out of those three.

@Friday That's a really good point actually. I've never thought about the mindset behind why I am anxious. Thank you for bringing that point to my attention. I'm going to try to be more cognizant of that now. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Its NOT too early to be thinking about these things!

A HIGH percentage of guys expect sex within a few dates these days.

It's GOOD to figure out your comfort level early on and know the pace with which you want to move!

 

[Be Braver]

@EveHarrington I don't think he would expect it while we're dating... If that was the expectation I'd squash that without any guilt. But If we get to the point of being a in a relationship idk how quickly he'd expect it then. He is 4 years older than me and i'm guessing has more experience. Like the 1st kiss was on the 3rd date and he thanked me for being patient... but I wasn't being patient that pace is just normal for me.... UGH WHY IS DATING SO COMPLICATED NOW. I wish I could just flip a switch and be normal with this stuff...

 

[The Albatross]

It's not that complicated, except that your anticipatory stress and introspection ahead of the possibility of a relationship is making it that way.

 

[Be Braver]

@The Albatross For me it is that complicated. I literally have a panic attack at the slightest form of intimacy and have to go through that several times to be able to work through it, then I'll be okay with that level of intimacy but panic at the next and so on. My anticipatory stress is coming from my awareness of the future panic attacks and gearing myself to be prepared for them. The more comfortable I am with him the shorter the attack will be. Some people expect sex before even dating even gets the label of a relationship. It's a huge hurdle in my life in regards to my PTSD so yes thinking about it now is totally adding to my stress levels but I feel like if I don't figure it out now I'll be even more anxious about it later.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think maybe you're overthinking this.

Third date kiss? That's glacial in my circles. He put it off til the third date and thanked you for being patient?

If anything you lucked out with this guy. Most move faster.

 

[Be Braver]

I actually ended up inviting him over last night at like 10:30 PM. I didn't think anything about it because my brain doesn't work that way, but then I got super anxious that he may have gotten the wrong idea. When he came over we talked about it and he said he knew I didn't mean anything by it and that we could wait years if that's what I needed. I feel a lot better now.

If anything you lucked out with this guy.

But you're absolutely right I lucked out with him. He even laughed when I said I didn't think until later the invitation could have been misinterpreted and he said with other people it could have been.