Safety contract

[Deleted member 42783]

@joeylittle
Well, I sought out distraction and then chatted and after I couple hours I realized that I needed to do something drastic so I drank and took Xanax to pass out. Being a nurse, I realize this is a bad combo but the dosage was low and I needed to be able to pass out before I did something permanent. My T was pissed that I mixed alcohol with benzos but I will not take it back.

I had a horrible heartbreak and the pain just overwhelmed me. I was never actively suicidal before, even right after the rape. It was overwhelming and all these ridiculous reasons to do it just fell into place. The next day I told my husband and he put his wedding band on my finger (I haven't had one of my own in years) to keep and remind me of those who love me and would grieve me when I was gone. I love that man.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry I am late to this thread. I haven't read any of the replies and I am just going to post from experience.

My therapist and I have a "saftey contract" or a "no suicide contract" and it has been super helpful to me.

We have steps to take before acting out suicide but we have included many things I can do when I feel the urge, in order, and they are very detailed. We have many DBT self soothing and distraction techniques that work, service dog tasks that work, posting on here, things that are realistic for me in the moment. So "calling or texting someone" isn't on there as I have no one to call or text. A suicide hotline isn't on there either as, in the moment, I cannot speak but the chat and text hotlines are on there because I can type in the moment. And in the moment, it helps that it is on paper as all rational thought or the abilty to think is gone. It is also scanned on my phone and it is saved on the cloud due to my habit of trying to kill myself in my car and away from home. I have copies of it everywhere and just like my service dog Dr's letter, I have copies in my backpack (purse), my wallet, my service dog in training's vest and other copies to go into other vests, at home, just everywhere. I minimized it to a wallet size to be easily accessable.

It has also helped in other things. During triggered states & tail spins, during high emotional times and just times where the abilty to think straight is gone. And really many other times as the things on there can apply to so many situations.

Anyway, I think of the contract as an act of caring about me. My therapist cares if I am success inside of a suicide attempt or not. I got angry and hurt at first and felt like he was trying to control me and felt that I must be really "crazy" to need this but the more he explained it, the more I understood that it was there to keep me safe. We put it together, together. We complied it together and over a length of time to then know what DBT self soothing and distraction techniques worked. What things actually worked in the moment. We made a sort of rough draft at first and then it was always changing and being added to for a good while until we both agreed that it contained enough to stop any future suicide attempt anywhere at any moment, in the moment of being suicidal.

So, think of it as being cared about. Sorry this is so long. Hopefully it helps you and anyone in the future.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's good too that you can have a visual reminder (the ring) which is right in your eyesight, always, to remember you're loved and your H/ family needs you (and needs you to take those steps if necessary). :hug:

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@Junebug Yes, he is a good man. I don't think he had really taken any of this seriously until that point. He has lived with me going in and out of depression since day one together. I think we were both a bit numb to it. I sat him down and talked to him about the events that led to feeling hopeless and told him exactly how I was gonna do it which is not a way he would of ever guessed on his own. (secret stash of injectable meds so I couldn't throw it up and it would look like I died in my sleep) His eyes are a bit more open now.

 

[Tinyflame]

But you have to remember that woud be very traumatizing for him also..

 

[joeylittle]

secret stash of injectable meds so I couldn't throw it up and it would look like I died in my sleep)

Are these gone now?

 

[Deleted member 541]

[USER (secret stash of injectable meds so I couldn't throw it up and it would look like I died in my sleep) His eyes are a bit more open now.

I'm kind of feeling like this is emotional blackmail. I understand that you are having a hard time and I'm not trying to give you any more of a hard time, but.........

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@joeylittle
Yes they are gone now. Along with my gun.
I don't have any SI at this time.
@She Cat
I'm a little confused. I wasn't trying to blackmail my husband. I was just giving him an honest explanation of what I was planning. He needed to realize that things had gotten serious and that there were temptations that he didn't know about. I actually had never considered using those meds before EVER until that final hour of despair. It all just came together in this magical moment of insanity. Those meds were just around for an emergency.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm glad that stuff is all gone, @valkeasisu - that's great.

Something that was suggested to me, is that I write a note to myself whenever I am feeling very convicted about it, telling myself to not re-acquire anything lethal.

Then, next time you are tempted to hoard medication or acquire a firearm, or anything really - read that letter to yourself. It can help.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you using your profession to acquire this secret stash of meds that could kill you?

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@EveHarrington
Good question but no. Seriously, good question.
I hang on to medications because. . . that is sometimes the prudent thing to do. Especially when funds are limited and your family is experiencing one health crisis after another like we were a couple years ago. It made sense to do so when I wasn't fighting SI. It really wasn't secret as in I was hiding them from my husband. It was more like he was just oblivious to their existence like he is with most things health related in the house. Medical needs are my domain. IT is his.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I sort of have an unwritten safety contract with all those who are part of my care, I will be honest and open about my state of mind, and they won't jump to act towards putting me in hospital for disclosing, instead they will work with me on what I actually need. At times that has ended up being PHP, not inpatient., others it's being checked on daily by mobile crisis.

This has worked well for me, it puts the responsibility to meet them halfway as well as stay safe by using resources if needed. It also allows me to not have choices, and other things like freedom taken away from me.