How can abuse survivors heal/find peace when society blames them?

[Bujo]

You (OP) have said that the feelings of anger that come up for you wheb confronted with these issues is because you're triggered. Certainly I think it's often very difficult to read about these sorts of issues while we're dealing with our own history of abuse.

But at some point in your healing, maybe start to see this anger as a healthy reaction to something that outrages you. It's not just ok to be angry and saddened by this stuff, it says a lot about you and your character. Really good stuff. It's appropriate to be angry about this stuff. It's appropriate to find it sad. It's appropriate to find it confronting.

One of the stages that I'm really looking forward to in my recovery? Is taking all my anger at this stuff and using it to motivate me to get out there and make some noise. And I don't need to change the wod, but I am looking forward to being one of those people that isn't afraid to draw some attention to these issues, and make it known that it's not okay.

Anger doesn't need to be a "trigger" that we should avoid. It can be an incredibly motivating force in our own healing journey.

Knowing when you're ready to stand by your own beliefs, and knowing when you need to just be gentle with yourself? Haven't figured that out yet. But one day, I personally hope to be able to not just survive reading about these issues, but also make some noise about them as well. Remember that society is changing, slowly. The norm for how we treat our kids, as a society, isn't what it used to be. But we definitely need to keep momentum in that change, because we have a long way to go still. And it's people that get emotional about it, just like you, that are driving that change.

 

[Apiw]

I think that the line that is drawn within corporal punishment that seeks to define what's abuse and not abuse often becomes upsetting to me. I have talked before on forums about how I was hit with a brush, a yard stick, wooden spoon and belt as a kid. And there is always someone who has to say, "Well, I spank my kids, but here is how I do it, so its not abuse." My mother and her boyfriend disciplined me with belts and hair brushes. They both thought they were disciplining me, not abusing me. They believed I was a bad, rowdy child with ADHD. That I NEEDED the belt, otherwise I would not learn and go down a bad path in life. They were calm and administered the strikes calmly while reciting my mistakes. In their minds they were doing the "non abusive form" of corporal punishment. But, my face was smashed into the bed as I disassociated. My body quivering in terror. The objects and even a hand causing pain was terrifying. Honestly, the calm voice made it worse. I had to wait with my buttocks in the air, pants around my ankles. How is that not sexual? How is it NOT terrefying? Welts were left, does this now constitute abuse? What were my crimes as a 6 year old? I left a mess somewhere? I talked back? What crimes truly deserve the belt or a hard spanking? The line is so tricky to draw. I swatted my son because he kept reaching for wires while our cable was being installed. I could have done other things. Maybe it is fear that prompts parents to spank or beat or hit. Where do you draw the line? My care givers did not think they were abusing me because they were "calm" and it was "for my own good." Yet, it was abuse. Because it left a mark? Because I could sit not down afterwards? Because I truly did not deserve it? The lines in corporal punishment are ridiculous. How about let's just not hit kids. Refraining from pain will not spoil kids. I completely understand OP's point. The whole discussion on how "spanking" can be abuse or not be abuse is ridiculous and triggering to me. Who else do we hit like we do children? Do we hit in the work place? In schools? Do we hit animals? My spankings did not save me. They caused CPTSD.

 

[Otul]

Basically, my question arose because I was imagining how I might feel at my deathbed when I'm older: upset and not at peace if society hasn't outlawed corporal punishment by then because then, I'd feel as though the abuse I went through was for nothing, didn't change or matter in the end.

I really want to feel at peace in that moment, a little happy and satisfied in the knowledge that what I went through when I was younger won't be allowed to happen to many other children in the future. That's why I'd like for things to change.

 

[Wewe]

a Texas school district just voted recently to start allowing children to be hit with a paddle when they misbehave

I don't think this should be allowed in schools. I want that to be clear.

I have worked as an abuse investigator in Texas for many years. A common misconception that often comes up with families is that "spanking" is illegal. DFPS (as it is called in Texas) can not tell parents they can't spank their kids. In that regard, "corporal punishment" as someone earlier referred to it as, is legal here. You can read the Texas Family Code's definition of "abuse" here: FAMILY CODE CHAPTER 261. INVESTIGATION OF REPORT OF CHILD ABUSE OR NEGLECT

In regards to "spanking", physical abuse is covered under the following:

(C) physical injury that results in substantial harm to the child, or the genuine threat of substantial harm from physical injury to the child, including an injury that is at variance with the history or explanation given and excluding an accident or reasonable discipline by a parent, guardian, or managing or possessory conservator that does not expose the child to a substantial risk of harm;
(D) failure to make a reasonable effort to prevent an action by another person that results in physical injury that results in substantial harm to the child;​

The Department often discussed "safe spanking" with parents which involves using an open hand (no belts, etc.) on the buttocks that does not leave a significant (goes away in an hour or so) mark. Personally? I dealt primarily with sexual abuse and had a hard time with physical abuse cases that involved excessive discipline, because the line was not as black and white with physical abuse as it is with sexual. Now...with that being said, it sounds like you did suffer some sort of substantial harm, based on your comments that made it sound like much more than a spanking, and your mention that it still affects you as a adult.

Another interesting point that is somewhat off topic, but that I think is relevant, is that there are very different cultural norms in regards to disciplining a child. For example, "cupping" and "coining" are things we were trained on that can look like physical abuse, but are both accepted medicinal/therapeutic procedures in specific cultures. (Cupping may be more mainstream now because of Phelps and other athletes, but back then it was more unheard of in the general society.)

It is devastating that victim blaming, as well as not believing a victim, is still happening -- especially in children. As the OP mentioned, a big contributor is societal (and familial) expectations. Countless times I dealt with child sex abuse victims whose moms were raped or molested as children themselves, so it was just what was considered normal. The same thing happens with physical abuse. It's cyclical nature makes it so much harder to combat.

 

[Bovade]

When we enter therapy, do we expect our therapists to use threats or punishment to change our behaviour? Absolutely not.

Do some therapies/therapists use threats and punishment..... unfortunately yes, but fortunately the few that do are eventually discredited.

Children naturally have empathy, it's part of being human. Pain inflicted by grown-ups in a position of power teaches children that part of being an adult is to inflict pain on others (particularly weaker others) and that physical force or the threat of it are a legitimate ways to change others behaviour. It also teaches children that being an adult means losing/suppressing empathy. This has become deeply entrenched in western culture.

Powerful people threaten/beat others when they are stressed/challenged, not when they are relaxed/safe. They often think that changing behaviour through interpersonal example, reasoning, empathy, acceptance and understanding (all those things we expect our therapists to do) is too time consuming/complex/difficult/expensive for them... and would involve moderating their own behaviour and acknowledging the source of the violence lay not in the "wrongdoer" but in their own reaction to the perceived "wrong".

For the first 100 years psychotherapy was a political act, now it's become more mainstream it's lost its radical egalitarian roots. My personal view is that.... as we move through therapy we change from feeling damaged/victimised/flawed to recognising our own unique beauty, and once we see that we enter a world where we see how our own actions can either perpetuate or reduce the suffering of others...... we become politicised (with a small "p")!

 

[Ejuzo]

Sheesh, really???? :banghead: "my question arose because I was imagining how I might feel at my deathbed when I'm older: upset and not at peace if society hasn't outlawed corporal punishment by then" - rumination and "fortune telling" is a waste of time. It sure wasted mine. :(

 

[Efuja]

I really want to feel at peace in that moment, a little happy and satisfied in the knowledge that what I went through when I was younger won't be allowed to happen to many other children in the future. That's why I'd like for things to change.

You might want to rethink this a bit.

Abusing children IS illegal.

Just because your parents called beating, belting, and whipping you "spanking"? Doesn't mean what they actually did was spank you. Just like someone who is locked in a basement with no food, water, heat, toilet for a day is not "sent on timeout", and for a week is not "grounded".

Launching a crusade against timeouts & grounding, when what you really mean is abuse via extreme neglect doesn't make a lot of sense does it?

Your parents were wrong to abuse you.

They were ALSO wrong about what they taught you to call your abuse.

Abusers do that on purpose. So when their kids are asked, they respond -truthfully- with a word that means something entirely different to almost everyone else. So that when they're in public, they can talk openly about their abuse and have people commend them for it (and their kids hear that). So that when kids are with their friends, and their friends talk about their normal punishments, the abused kid thinks everyone deals with what they deal with, and aren't bother with is (so it's just one more thing wrong with them), made even worse by childhood hyperbole (most kids don't think their parents are actually going to kill them when they say "Yikes! My dad is going to kill me if I'm late!" ; most kids don't even have a red mark, much less a welt, and could sit down the moment after a thing they describe as "I couldn't sit down for a week!").

By misnaming abuses, in 1,000 different ways, it both hides & normalizes/justifies abuse. The reason polls read numbers like 80% of people are fine with spanking? Is because those people were not asked if they're fine with abusing kids, beating kids, whipping kids, etc. Using the right word to describe what you're talking about is important. Dog Food is not Pâté or Foie Gras ... No matter how similar they may sound on paper. Locking your kid in a basement for a week to starve & freeze & piss in the corner is not sending them on timeout. Beating a kid is not spanking them.

 

[Tocu]

If you're wondering what you might feel if you're on your deathbed and society hasn't outlawed corporal punishment......
I'm wondering if you would feel different if you campaigned to outlaw corporal punishment in your state/country?

Maybe you do already campaign politically for this....?

It's happened in my country and several others.... so it's not impossible.

 

[Lovoh]

I've done a ton of hospice and been bedside when people die, and I can guarantee you that your "imaginings" aren't anywhere close to what really happens.

 

[Pugog]

Ok, so the point I want to make is that my parents felt that they were just 'spanking' me. Sometimes it left marks, sometimes it didn't. All times were horrendous. Most abusers don't have any clue that they are abusing children. Think about the episode from Dr. Phil where she forced the kids to eat hot sauce. The lady had no idea this was abuse. She thought she was saving or helping her son.
When I was spanked with a hand that was traumatizing to me. When my mother was calm. I am sure there are parents out there who can engage in "safe spanking". What does this mean? No objects? Open palm? Don't leave a mark? This happened to me and it was terrefying. My mother, comforting, soft, loving mother caused me pain. That caused me to fear her. It increased my need to rebel and to get away with it. There are many studies that state just this effect. So I learned how to not get caught.
The thing about safe spanking that is concerning is how possible is that-really? Your children are too close to you and they can really get to you. I am a teacher and a very patient person. I can put up with a lot from kids. But my own children can really get me impatient. It would be nearly impossible to remain completely calm spanking my kid. Or if I was calm, I could not tolerate the fact that I was causing them pain. What infraction deserves even "safe spanking"? Children are human beings. I use Love and Logic. It works extremely well and I don't have to be completely calm to use it. I am not going to be. I am human. I think "safe spanking" poses HUGE risks for it to turn into abuse. I think 'safe spanking' could actual count as psychological abuse. It is dehumanizing, shaming, and embarassing. Even if it follows the guidelines.

 

[Sapuw]

Ok, so the point I want to make is that my parents felt that they were just 'spanking' me. Sometimes it left marks, some...

So when a young child who isn't 100% verbal does something like reach for the hot stove, you are going to sit them down and give him/her a time out?

Gimme a freakin' break!

If anything is see THIS as child endangerment because kids that young don't understand verbal reasoning and a time out isn't going to get the message through to keep them safe.

 

[Penaji]

when a young child who isn't 100% verbal does something like reach for the hot stove, you are going to sit them down and give him/her a time out?

No, but a tap on the hand with a firm "no, HOT, it will burn you!" Will suffice.