I Want To Take Your Pain...or Some Shit

[JimOIFOEF]

My wife told me that shit and it was all I could do to not punch her in the face. Yes, that is an exaggeration and I would never hit my wife or any woman, but holy shit...there are select few things she could have said that would be as bad as that. The pain is mine, you do not rate to take it from me and even if you did it is mine since you do not know.

My wife actually told me that during an argument about why i was so distant and not communicating. I never could figure out how to tell her how bad she f*cked up without shooting my marriage in the face, so it just kind of got left there. For all i know, she still thinks she made a profound statement of support. I actually really do love her or at least i love my kids that we have together. Even if i didnt love her, i would stay with her for the sake of my kids, but i think i do.

Normally if someone pulls this kind of stupid douchebag comment i just write them off and we dont talk anymore. Not so easy with the mother of my kids. Any one ever had to deal with this kind of crap from your wife?

I have dropped hints the size of f*cking anvils about 'i will tell you what i am ready to when i am ready to', 'its not something i want to share right now', even the ever helpful 'leave me the f*ck alone'....she apparently is not getting the message

Jim

 

[Chin Strapped]

Hi Jim,

Sounds pretty standard for a loving wife. I completely understand how you feel about owning the pain and I think most of us feel that way.

Spouses will want to understand how you feel, up to you to let them know what you want. I think a good start would be telling her what you have said above (more or less).

This is where therapy helped me to TRY and keep these feelings out of my family home. Didn't work until about a year in.

Do you talk to anyone, vent anywhere? This is a great place to start.

I'm one of a few Brits on here; welcome. That post struck a chord for me; unfortunately of my first marriage.

 

[Anglesachse]

.............I have dropped hints the size of f*cking anvils about 'i will tell you what i am ready to when i am ready to', 'its not something i want to share right now', even the ever helpful 'leave me the f*ck alone'....she apparently is not getting the message

Jim

Why talk in riddles when you could sit her down and tell her straight?

She doesn`t get whats wrong, where you are or what your going through, If you are going to drop hints (probably on a military bias) then she isn`t going to understand.

Just tell her straight why you can`t and don`t want to talk to her about it.

She obviously cares and wants to help or she wouldn`t ask, don`t risk throwing that away because you can`t talk to her. No details obviously, but explain whats happening ín your head.

Mine didn`t understand and dissowned me becuase she just couldn`t take any more, was only when I started explaining what was happening to myself the she saw I was trying. We are back together and without her I would have left this world allready.

As Dan says, strikes a chord,

 

[JimOIFOEF]

Dan, I am not exactly a very open person about this stuff with anyone. I have a friend from back before i joined who ended up coming in a few years later who got diagnosed a few years ago. He and I have talked about some stuff about dealing with wives or just general shit that pisses us off, but it usually ends up with me being a bad place for the next few days to a week. Probably not the best course of action for me to follow to get back in touch with him. I had a doc i was going to for a few months, but i stopped going a month or two ago. i ended up screaming at her during one appointment and that didn't go over too well. she said it was no big deal and could move past it, but there was a definite change in the next few sessions we had.

Anglesachse, closest i got to what you are suggesting was getting drunk one night and telling her about a bad day on deployment (one of many). She sat and listened and did everything she was supposed to do as a wife, but the pity was something i couldnt stand and ended up getting us into a huge fight. needless to say that conversation didnt go the way i had intended. i would rather deal with my own shit quietly then see pity in her eyes. if openness gets me that pity look, then f*ck openness.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Jim,

You obviously care for your family very much.

Don't confuse "pity" with

She sat and listened and did everything she was supposed to do as a wife, but the pity was something i couldn't stand and ended up getting us into a huge fight.

There is NO f*ckING WAY she could possibly understand the shit your dealing with! So, her natural reaction is pity whether you want it or not, it's ALL she knows. I'm married 48 years and during that time I had the same experience as you it's not her fault. The best thing I can do is accept what she has to do to deal with it in her own way - that works for her!!!

It's not supposed to work for YOU! You have to treat her as you would another injured Marine get her out of the line of fire, then treat the wound. By getting the help for your PTSD your doing both.

Hey, this shit is not easy and requires you to improvise, adapt and overcome!

Ba

 

[vikingr12]

I have learned myself several times, with wives and girl friends. Never lose them. When you reach the point that you give back no respect, then stop and think about how lucky you are to have a woman at all. Sometimes it's better to leave but know when the disease is talking to you from when you are talking to yourself.

And talk to yourself often. What better listener is there?

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Jim, old Nam vet here....Sometimes we do not see things correctly all the time, how can we with the Beast and all that is going on with us. So maybe, just maybe what you are seeing is not pity at all, but Love....and she is having a hard time trying to understand what you have shared with her and it just may look like pity to you......But that call, my Brother is up to you........My wife had to help me write up my stressors as I could not. Most of what I told her was about blood and death, things of combat.....I asked how she was doing, she said find.....However, a few hours later I found her in the bathroom crying...She was crying because she loves me and had met the Beast.....Not easy.....She is now my rock!!!

J R

 

[Anglesachse]

Sound words from sound brothers who have all been there JOO.

I had to explain to mine that no matter how I felt, what ever she would try and do to help was 99% of the time going to be the wrong thing and not what I needed wanted, but I also couldn`t tell her what I needed, I just didn`t know myself.

All I could do at the beginning was let her know "Not doing good today" the rest, well that was down to her, tiptoeing around treading on eggshells until she got a handle on what may help, what didn`t help and what drove me f*cking nuts.

..........closest i got to what you are suggesting was getting drunk one night and telling her about a bad day on deployment (one of many). She sat and listened and did everything she was supposed to do as a wife, but the pity was something i couldnt stand and ended up getting us into a huge fight. needless to say that conversation didnt go the way i had intended. i would rather deal with my own shit quietly then see pity in her eyes. if openness gets me that pity look, then f*ck openness.

I get the pity thing, I hate it and don`t need it, Understanding on the other hand goes a long way, not for what I have done, seen witnessed or been part of, but understanding for what I am going through now.

I did exactly the same, Pissed out of my skull and she asked, so I let rip. Ned, Alan and a few others on here will tell the shit we witnessed in Bos, my misses was not aware and I only just caught myself before I gave her both barrels, but she got the jist of what we go through and now has a better understanding as to why we only talk amongst ourselves.

But she now has a better handle on the feelings side, but to be able to learn that they have to get feedback from us,

We all read and hear that its a bumpy road where on, this is the point on that road that you actualy get to see how deep some of them pot holes are. But a Spouse who is willing to walk that road with you is worth more than the world.

 

[Jimmy1]

Listen to what all the others have said mate.

Your wife did not sign up for any of this crap and we can be arseholes to live with. Print out some articles from the Link Removed section.
Get her to read them then explain it to her as best as you can.

Quite a few of us on here have lost wives for the exact reasons you are describing. You may be a closed book but you don't have to get down to the nitty gritty about what happened, that is saved for the shrinks chair. She is still around so obviously cares.

Your wife needs a medal mate to hang around, that is all i can say. For me, I am thinking of getting a recording of 'I am so sorry honey, I did not mean to snap at you or say the things I did'.

 

[Sarg]

All my wife wanted was a simple "sorry". Cleaned the slate until I said something else stupid. Woman was a saint with the patience of Jobe. She knew of my PTSD when we met and she thought that if I could put up with her diabetes, she could put up with the beast. And she could bust up a good rage with some really funny look, or word, poof! She didn't have any training in psychology but somehow knew what to say, when.

I'm sure I wouldn't have been here if it were not for her.

That's how important they are, Jim.

Sarg

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Here is good read Jim, it is from one of the wifes of Vets that have PTSD....It's called
In sickness and in health Link Removed

J R

 

[Jimmy1]

All my wife wanted was a simple "sorry". Cleaned the slate until I said something else stupid. Woman was a saint with the patience of Jobe. She knew of my PTSD when we met and she thought that if I could put up with her diabetes, she could put up with the beast. And she could bust up a good rage with some really funny look, or word, poof! She didn't have any training in psychology but somehow knew what to say, when.

I'm sure I wouldn't have been here if it were not for her.

That's how important they are, Jim.

Sarg

My wife is pretty much the same mate. She does not complain, I am always saying sorry and buying flowers. Sometimes I get the guilt's and want to turn and run. I keep telling her she can leave. That just makes her even angrier.

I think as long as you keep them informed of everything and they decide to stay then it's their choice. We just have to be mindful that they are not to be used for our psychological battering ram.