I Don't Know Where To Start

[NakMuayCleo]

Hello all. I have a long story but I will try to keep it brief. Bear with me.

I served in the Navy in Afghanistan on a classified mission in 2007. Boots on ground with the Army and Marines. It was very intense and I was 19 at the time. My father was Army special forces and I always wanted to be strong for him and never show weakness. When I retunred home I it didn't feel like home and I moved out. I gained and lost jobs and have several failed relationships over the course of 7 years. I mostly remained in a bubble, no friends or family. Holidays and birthdays considered of me sitting at home with no human contact just like any other day. I just drifted off the earth. I began training MMA and met a nurse who noticed my hands always shook. We talked about our lives and she asked me to see someone about PTSD. In so many years no one as ever asked me how I am or how I'm doing and it caused me to reflect on these seven years and I don't know what I've become.

I have no idea who I am. I don't feel any connection to anything. I feel so unaware yet hyper aware. To explain, imagine watching a movie and spacing out for 5 minutes. You know you missed something important but you keep watching knowing that some of the plot is missing. I feel like that everyday. I feel like my awareness of what's happening is only pieces. I realize that I haven't been able to sleep. I realize that I have no cultivated relationships with anyone. I realize that I sit alone in the dark for hours and stare at a wall and that it's not normal.

My problem is my tour was so long ago and I never once spoke up. I don't even know how any process works to get help. I have no doctor. No support group. Nothing. Now that I realize I may be effected by my service I feel even more helpless that I can't help myself. Someone please point me in the right direction. Sometimes I wish I could go back to not knowing I may have a problem because it at least it seemed so blissful and emotionless.

 

[atilla]

Welcome Brother as with many of us, "the beast"(ptsd) as we call it here, can rear its ugly head at any time. It can bubble there under the surface for years even, until it just has to come out and make itself known. The upside to all this, is you found this place. Know one thing Bro, you are not alone. There are Brothers and Sisters here from all over the world. There are Nam vets here who are still surviving their battle with the beast, along with those who served in every shithole after Vietnam. You are in good company. Take a knee Bro, read the media section for starters, then check out our members posts..Read, read, read. Welcome Home!

 

[LIllabeth]

NakMuayCleo, first off, welcome home. You have found a place where folks understand because we have been exactly where you are now and you are not alone any longer

The best thing you can do now is read through the posts and articles to educate yourself. This should help reduce your stress and fears about what you are going through, especially since you will find that (sadly) many will have experienced / thought / battled with the same issues, feelings and challenges.

Finally, breathe. Be kind to yourself (even if it is a pain-in-the-arse) to make the effort. Turn on a light. You made a conscience choice to post and well done you! That means you want more out of life...... Start small but start with a small treat for yourself every day

 

[JarHed]

Hey NMC

Welcome to the Forums. I'll never say I know how someone else feels but we've all been in similar situations. We stumbled across this site and it helped. People understood and pointed me in the right direction. You're at the beginning of a journey to find who you are now. You've made a good step by posting here.

That said, I'd suggest a few things. First contact the VA and get on board with your health care. Get a good physical, see a Therapist which will help with your PTSD. Don't beat yourself up because you can't 'fix' yourself. If it were possible we'd all do it. It's not, and that's OK. Understand that it can get better and will if you get started with what I mentioned above.

There are good people here and we're here to help. You're not alone anymore. I'm glad you made it home. Again, Welcome.

JarHed

 

[RTO]

Welcome Home.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I realize that I sit alone in the dark for hours and stare at a wall and that it's not normal.

This may surprise you my Brother, but it's perfectly NORMAN!!!!! Your reactions are what your mind, body and spirit were programed to do.

Here's the tough part. NORMAL can cause some serious problems. The good news is there are ways to deal with each of those problems. But, there are no quick, easy solutions. We Nam vets. have worked on this for many, many years, and will continue the efforts forever. But, each new day teaches us all a better way to a better place as long as we continue to keep looking and trying.

Welcome to the trail we all travel. Stay on it. If you get stuck or lost let us know. Watch the vids., read the posts, and post often.

SD

 

[NakMuayCleo]

Thank you all so much for your help. I never once thought there were people that feel like this and it makes me feel so much better. Reading all the post here I can't help but be amazed knowing that it's not just me and that there are ways to get better. Thanks again

 

[BigBG]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Friday]

Welcome, NMC. 2nding finding a local VetCenter. You don't even need to be registered with the VA. VetCenters are independent of the VA (ie, they don't tell them jack), but still have access to military records. Your name & SSN are all you need. Any paperwork for them, or for also doing VA treatment (meds etc.) they can help negotiate you through.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome NMC,

You're among friends here, pull up a chair and get comfortable.

In so many years no one as ever asked me how I am or how I'm doing and it caused me to reflect on these seven years and I don't know what I've become.

The *Beast* is very patient and unrelenting. Untreated, the problems that follow can impact not only you but all those you hold dear. You have become EXACTLY what the military molded - a WARRIOR. You have been wounded, nothing worthy of a PH, but just as fatal if left untreated.

Jarhead, SD and Friday are right on the money. Trust me, just an *ol' fellow squid* who walked in the dark for almost 40+ years, there's another way but it won't come to you - you have to seek it. Think VA, Vet Centers it's a start - good luck.

Ba

 

[NakMuayCleo]

I want to thank everyone for your help so far. I have filled out everything I could online for the VA. I've also submitted a claim. My question now is, how do I provide evidence of what happened? My mission was classified. According to the Navy I was never there and my orders just say OEF. i don't know how to actually prove anything. Is there someone who takes care of that in the VA?

 

[JarHed]

Hey NMC

It may be hard to get info about your deployment but not impossible. First try and contact those you were stationed with and see if they'll provide the evidence of what happened. If you were treated in country or even if you were treated elsewhere, they'll be records. And even if the missions were classified there are records somewhere. You may need to get in touch with a lawyer that deals with this kind of thing to help. I can tell you that it may seem at times like the 'search for the holy grail' but you just have to stay focused on your goals and stick with it.

Jar