Relationship Enabling?

[EveHarrington]

He does not treat me as a therapist. I have heard quite a few times, while I am in 'listening mode'...

Could you accept that just being you is indeed helping him?

 

[Brown Eyes]

I DO accept that and regret ever analyzing his actions. I have done nothing to actively help him...just continue listening and being the sunshine to his day and night too. Even if we do not continue our relationship for the future I want to be in his life....just really hurts still. When asked if he thinks I gave up on him he says absolutely NO! That never crossed his mind.

 

[EveHarrington]

I DO accept that and regret ever analyzing his actions. I have done nothing to actively help him...j...

That is great! I think I misunderstood what you were saying and for that I apologize.

 

[Brown Eyes]

You have no idea what it's like to get that kind of support from someone. I honestly can't explain it------but know this. Most therapies tell us to he...[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for this input! This is what I need to move forward with him...I never want to add to his Stress Cup but I've got all the love he can handle. Not searching for a cure...just want to see him smile.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Don't fall into the trap of thinking love can cure him, or that you need to be there to save him. If...

What I am getting from your response is that sufferers do not deserve love from others because of what may happen in the future? The worst may be yet to come so I should move on before the worst happens? Isn't that possible with anybody in my life...not just a sufferer?
Maybe I misunderstood your response?

 

[Sighs]

I think you have misunderstood @Sweetpea76. Given how much she loves her sufferer I'm sure she is NOT saying that sufferers don't deserve love. What I think she is saying is that love is not a miracle cure for PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Exactly... I'm saying be realistic with your expectations. Don't base your decisions about the future on him getting better. That's not assured. PTSD is cyclical. Good times and much much worse times. If this is him at his healthiest, do you personally think the relationship is good for you? That's a question all supporters have to ask themselves.

Being in a relationship with somebody who is mentally ill isn't for everybody, and that is more than fine. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a PTSD sufferer, but it takes a lot of work and an adjustment of expectations. You have to decide what your needs are in a relationship and make sure they can be met, or it's going to be miserable. You have to decide what things are more flexible and make sure you are happy making those adjustments.

You'll see people say here all the time that love only fixes everything in fairy tales. I wish love could fix PTSD, but it can't, no more than it can fix diabetes or some other medical condition. Supporting a diabetic is great, and it may be beneficial to have a loving partner, but they're still diabetic. It's up to the diabetic to get treated, then work on managing their condition.

 

[scout86]

Not having a real concept of, 'a future' is actually a symptom of PTSD. I haven't worded that like it's officially worded, but that's the gist of it.

It was only after I'd been in therapy awhile that I learned that 'normal people' think it's appropriate to talk about 'forever', or however you might think of that.

The one person in my life who I think really loved me, if he'd asked about 'the future', I'd have told him "I'll love you as long as I can", or something like that. Not because I was looking for a way out, or thought I'd quit loving him, but because we don't know the future and I didn't want to make a promise I couldn't keep. It would have had nothing to do with what I felt for him. Honestly, what this guy has said to you sounds like 'commitment', to me.

It's amazing how differently we can see stuff!

 

[Brown Eyes]

Exactly... I'm saying be realistic with your expectations. Don't base your decisions about the futur...

It has actually never crossed my mind that is will get better because I did not really consider him ill. All of my hesitations came about as a result of his new 'unreliable actions'. I know he is not a liar but I needed to find a reason and that is when I was introduced to the symptoms of PTSD. As a civilian, this is all new to me and I've never put a classification on any veteran so I have been ignorant to this my entire life. That is what made this 'WORK" for us according to his words...not mine. For once in my life...being oblivious...was a good thing.
Fixing him is still NOT on my mind. My hope is that he will LET ME IN. For me, that is the only grey area right now. I've already come to the decision that I want him in my life. Now he needs to make the decision if he will follow my lead and allow me to be apart of his again. He says he's not good at 'this' and the commitment thing scares him but in his mind he was committed fully...just not able to say that marriage would ever be part of if. As @scout86 mentioned...it sounds like he HAS been committed to me and I am able to see that now...now that I messed up and backed away from him.
He's taught me to live for the moment...not the nostalgia of the past and not dread or anticipation of the future. Hoping he'll decide we can go Day by Day together. I do want him to be happy with or without me.
I had no idea that everyone did NOT think of the future or forever. Maybe we, civilians, can be of assistance to understanding where we are coming from as much as therapy helps sufferers. I still have a difficult time categorizing humans into 'us' and 'them'. We are all the same with different views of society and how we fit or do not fit in. Me...? I never wanted to fit in and still have no desire to do so.

 

[scout86]

Maybe we, civilians, can be of assistance to understanding where we are coming from

First, there are a lot of people with PTSD who have never been in the military.

I had a good friend who DID get PTSD in the military. Prior to that, near as I can tell, he was 'normal'. I've often thought that he had it harder than I do. He remembered a time 'before'. I don't. He had an idea of what 'normal' was and, suddenly, his brain wasn't working the same old way. I think that must have added an extra level of frustration and anger with himself. I've never experienced the world any differently, so I'm not aware of any loss. I suspect that makes a difference.

I think, though, that you have the right idea. Listening, hearing, being honest, sharing your own truth, all that can help. A lot of good things aren't easy, huh?

 

[Brown Eyes]

First, there are a lot of people with PTSD who have never been in the military.

Yes I understand that PTSD is not a result of serving in the military.

I was unaware of the of the division in memories, pre and post trauma. Thanks for sharing those differences as I continue to search for knowledge filled with valid reasons. My vet has vivid clear memories of the pre army days as well as during his time in the service. His forgetfulness comes with the day to day to week happenings falling thru the cracks. Was a little while, before I noticed this. He explained his difficulty with things we did together during our short 6 months. Photos and videos that he took help him to recall and smile but then he encourages me to NOT live in the past? He takes an awful lots of photos of mostly me to help with the nostalgia! HaHa
This helps to explain some of my frustration with plans not being fulfilled. He actually invited me to accompany him to a Veteran's Banquet to be held in September. We've not discussed it since making the plans back in February. I still have it on my calendar...I wonder if he does and if he will recall?

The best things in life are not easy in any stretch of the imagination but well worth the good times, whether they be many or few and isolated. Everyday I hear his voice, or receive a text, my day is complete and full of hope and smiles...I hope the same is true for him. My cup is ALWAYS half full!