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Childhood Triggers

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trying to heal

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Im not coping very well. Currently triggered badly by my nephews 1/2 sister. I took 2 weeks off uni to come up to queensland to look after the kids (13, 11 and 5) while my ex sister in law is overseas. My little pseudo neice is around 5 and i just constantly feel on edge and severely triggered when im around her. I dont know what to do. I dont have any memories of my childhood so I don't understand why this particular age is so upsetting for me but i know my T diagnosed me with cptsd amd i have other trauma and neglect issues that have not been dealt with. I had to just run into the room i am staying in to give myself a break as it was all becoming too much. She just walked in though i closed the door and said i needed time alone and i told her to leave and so she told her brother she hates me. I cant seem to do anything right. Im a screw up. I dont mean to be such a horrible auntie. I really really badly want to cut right now. My mother is going to fly up on tuesday to help out as they could tell I wasn't coping but if she sees a new cut mark on my arms she will get really mad. Sorry i know this post is all over the place. Im just so out of my depth and dont know how to stop feeling triggered so badly.
 
Cha. 5 is a hard age. They still need almost constant supervision, can rarely be trusted for more than a few minutes on their own (because they're so durn mobile, and linear thinking doesn't generally click for another year or two) but unlike toddlers that you can pop into a playpen or high chair for a few minutes to breathe, or count on a nap coming, it's being "on" from the moment they wake until the moment they go to bed. That they're not actively trying to kill themselves 24/7 makes them a huge relief for parents (toddlers are all on accidental suicide watch, that the species survives is kind of mind boggling) on the one hand, but the other... complete and total lack of breaks throughout the day gets very eye crossing. Like collapse face first into the couch groaning the moment they go to bed, and paints a target for your head on the drywall for :banghead: during the course of the day eye-crossing exhaustion. When that last nap gets dropped at age 3 or 4 most parents cry. For a few months. And they've had years to get used to being responsible 24/7. It's about a zillion times harder when it's other people's kids.

Really. This is a hard age for everyone. It's not just you.

My very strong suggestion is to build in some breaks for yourself, throughout the day. Watching young children is like any other paid job... With horrendous hours. 12-16 hour shifts are just brutal. No two ways about it. Building in breaks -at a bare minimum- means that they're active and engaged doing something (including being plugged into a movie for some downtime! It's their attention being elsewhere, but their bums safely ensconced on the floor/couch -or someone else being responsible- that relieves the pressure of needing to be eyes-on), but even if you have your eyes on them, if they're at the playground for an hour, just the fact that you're not having to engage constantly is a major relief.

Since you're watching someone else's children, you can't really hire help in the day -without their parents permission- which is what most of us (as parents) do. Whether it's a half day camp, preschool, trading play dates wih other parents, music lessons, sports, art, etc... Most of us give our children to someone else to watch for at least an hour almost every day. Just so we don't lose our minds, can take a lunch break (@5pm? Pfft. It's my first break in 12 hours, it's my lunch!), go to the grocery store on our own, etc. So very very well done on calling in reinforcements. That's not a failure. That's being smart.

Young children are just hugely stressful, draining, & exhausting. And I LOVE kids, spent almost a decade working with them in various capacities. But it's work. It's hard, hard, hard work.

They don't just add to the stress cup. They put a straw in and blow bubbles.
 
Cha. 5 is a hard age. They still need almost constant supervision, can rarely be trusted for more than a...


Thank you so much for your reply. It did help. I must admit things didnt get much better between me and her but only 1.5 days to go till i start the long journey home and i can have some very much needed time out. I plan on having some 1 on 1 quality time with my fur baby and just sitting back and vegging out infront of the tv for a day.

So very thankful my mum arrived yesterday afternoon. I had all 3 kids home sick with a tummy bug and i have come down with the flu so she was able to take over and i was able to get some rest.

Tonight i did something I haven't done for a very very long time. I actually spent all my savings on something that will hopefully be useful in my recovery. I have ordered a weighted blanket which will hopefully help with my anxiety and my insomnia. I felt rather anxious spending hundreds of dollars on something but hopefully it makes a difference.
 
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