So, I had a therapy session with my psychiatrist. I see her for CBT/ACT therapy every once in while in addition to my trauma t.
I had gotten really bad this summer and we talked about that.
I admitted that in between trauma sessions that I sort of continue the trauma work in my own mind. So, I obsessively think about my trauma stories over and over again. I deliberately force my brain to try to remember more. Many things happened in early childhood and this drives me nuts because I only see snatches of memories and I want to KNOW what happened!
If I feel intense psychological pain then I go into it more and make it worse. I want to FEEL the pain! (I know this is not good and you cannot force yourself to remember, but I do anyways.)
This is not acceptance like turning towards the emotion, however practicing acceptance in response to this urge is a solution for me because I am still turning to the pain, but as opposed to indulging it, amplifying it, I could just observe it and let it be and this would give me some intellectual distancing.
My psych thinks this is a form of "mental cutting". When I am indulging/obsessing with my pain, I also will imagine myself cutting myself and blood going every where. So, yes she is right. I do not cut in real life, I am too sensitive to blood.
I also do this to find control. Like if I could just feel and feel the pain enough then I could be better? Like if I could REMEMBER the shit that happened and UNDERSTAND it, then I could free the pain! I know logically this is not how to go about it. That there is a reason and natural process to memory suppression. I actually make it worse. My psych said."Well it is understandable to try something once, but if you don't feel better why keep doing it?"
This is a nice way of her supporting my need for comfort and control thru mental cutting, but still saying to me that it is not good and don't do it. She says that I cannot be the doctor and patient at once to try to figure out my trauma on my own.
In my defense, another reason I do do this is that my mother was narcissistic. So, there is this idea that I continue to try to make sense of. My mother abused me, but thought she was the perfect mother/homemaker. For example, she allowed her bf to beat me with a belt while she was in the kitchen baking with an apron around her waste. She would say, I am the best mother. Yet, there were all these crazy things happen in our clean, Christian home. The abuse was denied, covered up, swept under the rug.
This drives me nuts. It always has. I am an artist and I am about seeing the truth and pointing shit out. So, that is good but that is also why I continue to seek out and indulge my own trauma. To validate, to bring to light the truth. But, yep also to mentally cause pain. My psych says that it would ok to process trauma thru art and poetry, but I need to obviously stop just going into my trauma directly. I know its not good for me or healthy, but I crave it.
I am adding more DBT skills and slowing down with trauma t.
Can any one relate? Any thoughts?
Sorry if this is long and confusing.
I had gotten really bad this summer and we talked about that.
I admitted that in between trauma sessions that I sort of continue the trauma work in my own mind. So, I obsessively think about my trauma stories over and over again. I deliberately force my brain to try to remember more. Many things happened in early childhood and this drives me nuts because I only see snatches of memories and I want to KNOW what happened!
If I feel intense psychological pain then I go into it more and make it worse. I want to FEEL the pain! (I know this is not good and you cannot force yourself to remember, but I do anyways.)
This is not acceptance like turning towards the emotion, however practicing acceptance in response to this urge is a solution for me because I am still turning to the pain, but as opposed to indulging it, amplifying it, I could just observe it and let it be and this would give me some intellectual distancing.
My psych thinks this is a form of "mental cutting". When I am indulging/obsessing with my pain, I also will imagine myself cutting myself and blood going every where. So, yes she is right. I do not cut in real life, I am too sensitive to blood.
I also do this to find control. Like if I could just feel and feel the pain enough then I could be better? Like if I could REMEMBER the shit that happened and UNDERSTAND it, then I could free the pain! I know logically this is not how to go about it. That there is a reason and natural process to memory suppression. I actually make it worse. My psych said."Well it is understandable to try something once, but if you don't feel better why keep doing it?"
This is a nice way of her supporting my need for comfort and control thru mental cutting, but still saying to me that it is not good and don't do it. She says that I cannot be the doctor and patient at once to try to figure out my trauma on my own.
In my defense, another reason I do do this is that my mother was narcissistic. So, there is this idea that I continue to try to make sense of. My mother abused me, but thought she was the perfect mother/homemaker. For example, she allowed her bf to beat me with a belt while she was in the kitchen baking with an apron around her waste. She would say, I am the best mother. Yet, there were all these crazy things happen in our clean, Christian home. The abuse was denied, covered up, swept under the rug.
This drives me nuts. It always has. I am an artist and I am about seeing the truth and pointing shit out. So, that is good but that is also why I continue to seek out and indulge my own trauma. To validate, to bring to light the truth. But, yep also to mentally cause pain. My psych says that it would ok to process trauma thru art and poetry, but I need to obviously stop just going into my trauma directly. I know its not good for me or healthy, but I crave it.
I am adding more DBT skills and slowing down with trauma t.
Can any one relate? Any thoughts?
Sorry if this is long and confusing.
