When someone tells you, you're wrong, but you're not...?

[Changing4Best]

When someone tells you, you are wrong, but you're not, what do you do?

I checked my contract. There is nothing about this "issue" in there. So I am not breaking any rules. I'm just doing what I've always done. I didn't even particularly change anything!

The person making all the "stink" is not even an employee there. I also know this person outside of work, so that is why I am not putting this in the employment area.

This person also criticizes me when we are off work, but we are anything but close. We are not even friends. At my job, this person is not even an employee there. He is just an attendee or participant. However, he tries to make rules up that he thinks I should be following, and when I don't "abide" by these rules, he makes a stink. In one case, he made a HUGE protest.

He caused someone else to even leave the place. It is a kind of social club, so he caused that person to maybe be missing out on some fun and relaxation that they were counting on.

I know I am not wrong. I'm not doing anything to harm anyone, although I've been accused of that by him. On the other hand, I have seen him overstep the bounds of common decency and insult or intimidate others. He has done things to prevent others from helping me too, I have observed. These others are not employees either. They simply wanted to help out and have been made to feel as if they shouldn't do so by this person. He even thrashed one of them with something for opening a door and holding it for me!

I don't like to be a complainer. I've already complained enough about this person to my boss, but not a lot has been done about it. Instead, she kids around with him and jokes about what he says. I'm just not the kind of person who can do that though. I'm more serious.

What would you do in this situation?

 

[Friday]

1. Check with my supervisor to make sure I'm not in the wrong, as not all professional standards, nor legal obligations, are laid out in contracts.

I've already complained enough about this person to my boss, but not a lot has been done about it. I

I'm not doing anything to harm anyone, although I've been accused of that by him.

Complaining about a problem/irritating patient/client to one's supervisor is a very different thing than being accused of causing harm to a patient/client by the P/C and needing to address that with your supervisor to make sure that you're handling the situation appropriately.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Have you ever considered just ignoring the whole thing and not letting it get to you???? I used to be like you years ago. When something/someone would bother me, I was like a dog with a bone. Couldn't let it go. Now, I don't give a rats ass what others think/do. If I can fix the issue, I just let it go.

You seem to be winding yourself up over a lot of things lately. Try just letting things go!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I wish I could @She Cat but I tend to have a mind that grabs onto this kind of stuff and won't let go. I have not ever been able to figure out how to control my thoughts and emotions. They seem to control me instead! One of the few things that will occupy my mind completely is a memoir, but I have been too busy lately with my new job and just other stuff in life in general, that to sit down and enjoy a good book is HARD!

 

[scout86]

To literally answer your question, when someone tells me I'm wrong (assuming I'm not in the middle of blowing up over nothing and acting like a crazy person, assuming the rational part of my brain is actually running the show). When someone tells me I'm wrong, I look around to see if maybe they're correct. I try to understand what, exactly, they mean.

If I end up deciding they're wrong and I'm right, I stop and ask myself "Does this actually matter?" Because maybe it doesn't. People disagree about stuff all the time. Some of it matters. Some of it is just annoying. Changing people's minds is hard and sometimes not possible, so before I set out on a crusade, I ask myself if it's really worth the effort.

As a part of that, I might ask myself "What's up with this person anyway?" Just because understanding their issues CAN make it easier for me to let it go. (Doesn't always. And may not for someone else.)

You've mentioned your Christian faith. Is this other person as Christian as well? There's something in, I think, one of the gospels, or maybe Acts, about settling disputes between believers. It suggests talking, but then it suggests a couple people going together, so that there's 3 or more people having the conversation. Have you considered trying that? Discuss this with someone who knows you both and who you both respect, then have that person come with you and have a talk with the person you have the problem with.

I tend to have a mind that grabs onto this kind of stuff and won't let go.

In the process of doing that, sometimes you can take something that's minor and make it into something major. Could that be what you're doing? How do you suppose that comes across to the people around you? How do you suppose that comes off to this person you have the problem with? Maybe that's part of the problem?

 

[Ronin]

I was about to say something along @scout86's advice that you could do.

Last I checked the Bible's got a line about consulting the (community) elders; so that's what I'd do: go to anyone more knowledgeable on the issue / that's a trusted authority, and ask them.

(And I do that often, especially in shit times of life I don't trust my reason, as recently, until I do. Hence the often in-threads mentions of teachers, as these people aren't necessarily that much older than me or anything, but they've been good mentors for what they've taught me in life and wouldn't bullshit me.)

 

[Changing4Best]

To literally answer your question, when someone tells me I'm wrong (assuming I'm not in the middle of b...

No, the person is not a Christian. That is a large part of the problem. He and I are not operating under the same moral code. He lives in the world. I live in church and at work there are a number of folks who say they are Christian. There are seemingly more Christians there than not, but this man is one of the few that isn't.

He is an intimidating person. He is also LOUD. He is demanding. And he is critical. (Of me anyway). He is hard to ignore. His loudness keeps breaking into my concentration. This can sometimes cause me to make mistakes at work. That is probably the real issue here. These are small mistakes, they are not life threatening or anything, but no one wants to make mistakes. I hate it when I goof up!

You ask if it matters? How I look in my boss's eyes and how I look in my client's eyes matter to me, yes. I guess what anyone else thinks of me, except my boss's boss maybe, no, that does not matter in the whole big scheme of things. However, we like to be liked, and we love to be loved. I don't like the feeling of being hated. And I have been told, by another person who works there, that this man hates me. That smarts. I can't help it. It just does.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was about to say something along @scout86's advice that you could do.

Last I checked...

It's not the kind of stuff to go to someone who is an elder about. It's just little things. If it were to do with my client's health or welfare, you bet I would already have been asking someone in authority. No, this is the person trying to make me wrong for not doing someone else's job. Like something as unimportant as re-filling the salt and pepper shakers, only more complicated than that, but not any more important.

 

[Ronin]

for not doing someone else's job.

So point that out, as calmly and collected as you can? If it's genuinely someone else's job, then it simply isn't yours, to either do or worry about.

You can always say you minded other duties that are (a list of things / placement) your /actual/ work.

 

[Changing4Best]

So point that out, as calmly and collected as you can? If it's genuinely someone else's job, then it simpl...

My job and its duties are confidential, due to it being to do with my client and his situation is not to be discussed with anyone. So I cannot say that "This is my job, and this over here isn't." I can say, "Such and so isn't my job." I guess I could do that, without mentioning what is.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you'll get better feedback if instead of going after each problem you start a thread that gets to the root of it all------ask how to control these thoughts. CBT?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

To me, it sounds like an ongoing build-up of you not feeling liked, which brings up old ills, and it happens to be by someone who isn't of your same beliefs/faith/moral code which opens you up to possibly judging even more stringently than you perhaps normally would if it were a known fellow member of your same belief system. (Although, do you actually know if he's a christian or not? Regardless, we're all human.)

While it also happens to be the same person who you say bullied you relentlessly who you reported over and over and absolutely wanted nothing more to do with and were disgusted by, but now all of a sudden you wish to be friends and feel hurt that he doesn't give you attention the way you want it. You don't seem to like the fact that you, having this perceived higher moral code, are feeling highly rejected and somehow judged/controlled/(whatever term you feel is more appropriate) by someone you view as not being as "godly" or as moral as you say you are. Like maybe you feel he should see your greatness/higher morality and succumb to your wishes/suggestions while giving up his "evil" ways and then thank you for showing him the way. (These assumptions of mine are heavily based on what I directly experienced for decades in being heavily abused, physically, mentally, and sexually, and traumatized through the years by many so-called pillars of the community who also claimed to be of highly upstanding christian faiths, too, so I hope it doesn't sound too jaded.)

It also sounds like you seem to feel he has an upper hand on you somehow within that environment, especially in the social scene, through his behaviors that you view as being unacceptable, and you don't like having anyone, much less someone of what you may feel to be a lesser moral belief system having an upper hand, especially since he's demonstrated behaviors that make you cringe and remind you of abuse and things of days gone by, so it doubly pisses you off while also triggering memories of bad days gone by.

You not yet knowing how to more healthily regulate and manage your emotions/reactions/thoughts surrounding the dynamics of it all is making it feel like a living hell within your own being. What are you actively doing each day to regulate your own emotions internally among the difficulties in trying to live with everyone elses decisions to live their lives their own way? How are you working towards liking yourself enough to not HAVE to feel the acceptance of another?

You seem to have discovered with this particular issue, repeatedly, that reaching for external means (via reporting it to authority on a repeated basis, or via praying about it day and night to an outside perceived deity of your choice, or starting threads on a public forum, or via getting and reading another book on the subject, etc.) each time isn't quite taking you where you feel you need to be with it all. Where will you go next to try to healthily sort it out?