Someone tell me i'm pretty

[Deleted member 42783]

So my t was adamant in our last session that I have no self worth and that I need to work on self care and figuring out my distorted core beliefs that make me feel worthless.

I understand that validating yourself is difficult for many of us. It certainly is for me. I came to the realization yesterday that I feel unnattrractive and that effects my self worth. I simply do not accept that I can hold people's attention. I also constantly fear abandonment.

So, how in the world do I self validate myself in this area. I'm never going to believe myself. I can't look in a mirror and say "hey, looking good". What am I supposed to do with feeling unattractive?

 

[Deleted member 42783]

Yeah, that was a pathetic post.

 

[Teasel]

Not pathetic at all. I should say it's very common indeed for females especially to be concerned about looks. And also exceedingly common for ptsd'ers to have a low self worth.

As to what should you do regarding validating yourself on your looks. Well telling yourself something that you believe to be false, you are right, will probably not work.

Maybe examine any underlying beliefs about lthe importance of looks? Kind of like even if you were exceptionally ugly, should that mean you have a life of no self worth?

Maybe read Naomi Wolf - the beauty myth, a truly great book for helping women feel less ugly.

Self worth is something that comes from within, and no doubt low self worth will mean there are beliefs you hold which get in your way. Maybe start to think about what beliefs you have which hurt you?

All the best to you, this I something I know I struggle with too.

BTW, you are pretty, even with underpants on your head.

 

[Scarlet13]

I struggle with this as well. I have been using DBT 6 levels of validation. I like especially the validating with history. So I say to myself, "It is understandable that you feel worthless and ugly because of all the messages you have received in your life."
Also, it helps me to think about all the people that called me ugly growing up. Often I listen to these voices still and I become ugly and worthless. I have been thinking about how humans are faulty. How everybody has distorted cognitions that they can pass on to others to feel better. It is like a tumor that gets handed to you. It has nothing to do with you.
Humans are just humans, they are confused. When we feel bad we make others feel bad. Abuse is a deep form of bullying. I have had a ton of bullies in my life. All of them with distorted cognitions of what is beauty. I was born with a visual disability and a lazy eye. I was molested by neighbors and my own mother found me disgusting. I was treated as though I had leprosy in school. I have been pitied instead of accepted. Are any of these truths? On bad days, yes. On most days, yes. But there is a new set of thoughts entering my brain. The cruel words and actions of others are not truths. They are distortions. They are tumors, passed from one human to another. I once told a girl, that I didn't even know, that she got her clothes from a dog food factory. That doesn't even make sense. But my voice was full of disgust. Inside I felt that disgust, at myself. So, I am looking at humans, at my abusers from a new perspective. Humans are just passing along hate, disgust, shame. There is no truth in that.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

BTW, you are pretty, even with underpants on your head.

Lol. Thank you. I'll try and just trust you on that one.

I have not read The Beauty Myth but I may check it out.
I've been trying to figure out why looks are important to me. From what I can tell, I think they provide security, which sounds strange because on the flip side, being attractive is also scary. I realized about two years ago that the older I got, the more invisible I became to the world. Middle aged women are not exactly deemed as valuable. Attractiveness provides a slight edge, which sucks. If someone had to choose between me and a twenty-something, good looking girl to save from a fire, I know it wouldn't be me.

I was 21 and a virgin when I was raped. I had been dating the guy for about 6 weeks before it happened. He moved across the country afterwards and I felt safe and secure. A few months ago, I learned he was back here in my home state and I freaked out. He is about ten years older than I . He has since remarried. He is not in the best shape. I don't consider him attractive but for some reason I fear his judgment of my looks if I ever ran into him. Like, its not okay that I don't look 21 anymore. Which is stupid. He was very cruel and cold in the way he raped and dumped me. I actually went back for more one time after the rape which made it worse. He seemed angry and disgusted with me. He made it a point to abandon me in the middle of nowhere afterwards and I never saw him again after that. WHY THE f*ck DO I CARE WHAT HE THINKS?! Why the f*ck do I care what all men think of me. I feel so f*cking insecure and unprotected when I can't be attractive to them.

Sorry, just processing.

The cruel words and actions of others are not truths. They are distortions. They are tumors, passed from one human to another.

When people tell me that my self-talk is actually the voice of my abuser, I just couldn't understand how that could be true. Mainly because my abusers weren't verbally telling me I was worthless. I thought it was just me doing all the abusing of myself. Now I realize that they told me with their actions. For the first time yesterday I understand that. Being sexually assaulted in middle school and raped and abandoned as an adult told me I was worthless. Others have said mean things to me but it was the sexual assaults that sealed the deal. Later in life, the invalidation and actions of others at work and home would reinforce the idea that I was worthless.

Thank you @Scarlet13 for your quote up there. I have been taking the actions of others as truths. I know that it will take me a while to untangle what is truth and what is not.

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug:- if you accept
So sorry for your pain and residual deep doubt.

Maybe explore how you might have been conditioned to see beauty for part of the journey. Was it from advertising, commercials, culture, model envy or an accumulation of impossible standards without surgery, touch ups, and/ or products? I found that for me, taking an strong look at my formed or conditioned standards of beauty assisted with a baseline to build.

Acceptance of one's self can sometimes be another part and that other's treatment does not equal the sum of whom you are. Sometimes...to start a conversation in the mirror that is also a solid consideration to offer " I am more than what was done to me!"

As we let go of shame...I think we find ourselves more attractive. One day at a time.:)

 

[Deleted member 42783]

:hug:- if you accept
So sorry for your pain and residual deep doubt.

Maybe explore how you might have been conditioned to see beauty for part of the journey.

I accept hugs. Always.
I think I see being rape-able as a standard if beauty. (Barf)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Please (if you desire) explain the "rape-able" as you understand it.

See, I have known an 70 year old woman that was raped for example (as well as myself&others)..so my heart beats fast and I am trying to hear you. Rape is a form of violence and power...not contingent on what we wore, how we looked and how loudly we screamed stop.

You are beautiful because you are a survivor to me.:hug:

 

[mamachick]

Rape is violence and control and not contingent on the appearance of the victim at all. I know that in my head...yet I realize that in the past few years I have deliberately become less attractive due to not wanting to be a victim (including but not necessarily rape). I don't want to draw attention to my physical appearance.

I agree that media sets impossible standards as well but also think that self worth is so much more than appearance. I have always disliked how I look in photos. When I was working on some ACOA issues many years ago and self worth, I framed a couple childhood pictures and put them out where I could see them everyday. I spent a few minutes everyday just getting in touch with that child and challenging those beliefs that were instilled so very young. Its really hard to criticize this little child...and I learned to be more self compassionate and comforting.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Your story and my story are so similar. PM me anytime.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I do the same..... Make myself less attractive to ward off attention. I was having health issues that I knew could be solved by losing weight, and so that's what I did. I've only lost about 10 pounds but notice the increased attention. And I hate it. I'm fighting with everything I have to not freak out internally and gain the weight back.

 

[Teasel]

I've only lost about 10 pounds but notice the increased attention. And I hate it. ...

I struggle with this such a lot.