Frustrated with my avoidance of a mundane task

[Justmehere]

I'm putting this under avoidance because that's the primary issue.

I'm avoiding emails. As if they are the plague. It's not logical to me. I need to respond to a handful of emails. I know what to write, they are not a big deal to send, but I'm somehow avoiding contact all the same. I've been up for hours trying to get myself to do this. Not just doing the task, but trying to get myself to do it.

I don't understand why this is an issue, but my therapist says it makes sense somehow with the trauma we are processing. She says it's about the danger of contact and failure - but I'm oddly doing fine when I have to make contact in person with people. I have no idea why it's coming up with email or why I'm avoiding these things, as they seem mundane matters to me. But my hands are shaking trying to do it all the same. One email is to accept a short term job I've really wanted and worked hard to get. It's a done deal. I just need to say yes, thank you, and when I'll come in - I already know the time. I have done the job before and it went great. Still filled with panic about emailing, but oddly not the job itself. Other emails are logistics on a volunteer project and working on stuff to go back to school.

I'm getting really upset with myself and my therapist because I don't think she gets how hard this has become all of a sudden. (She is oddly easy to email at the moment, but not anyone else.) I think I'm just frustrated at myself though.

I need to get a handle on this and stop avoiding before my life comes undone on a practical level.

Any suggestions? All the coping skills I know to lower anxiety are not even touching this avoidance. I can lower my anxiety and then the second I go back to the task, it's like this wall of avoidance comes up and nameless fear kicks in and I want to hide.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well, you are writing and responding on the forum.... So maybe just responding to and email, you could think like you're just on the forum responding.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh that's a good idea... it's not always easy to write here, but it's doable. I don't have the symptom of avoidance of this place. I wonder what makes this different to me. Maybe I'm not scared anyone here will hurt me in any life threatening way. I mean people sometimes make remarks and rub each other the wrong way here, but it's different. I dunno. Enough people here generally are accepting of me, flaws, spelling mistakes (haha), and all. I do remember times where avoidance of the forum came up in the past, but not anymore. That gives me hope that this can change too. I think I need hope as much as anything right now. Thanks!

 

[NatBird]

How about visualising yourself with the person, talking to them, answering their question, staying with, absorbing the feeling of in person interaction for a bit and then write back with that feeling, moment in mind.

You could also give yourself a time boundary like 5 mins to send the response sometimes this helps me sometimes it creates anxiety.

Sometimes avoidance of small tasks is me accumulating psychic clutter so that I can't see, don't have to see what is there. I am wondering if the avoidance has a function and if knowing this would help how to work with it?

Wishing you well with it.

 

[Justmehere]

How about visualising yourself with the person, talking to them, answering their question,

This is a great idea! Thanks! As I think about it, I think when I'm talking to people in person, I stop overthinking. I don't have time. Sending it within a time frame is a clever idea too. Keeps me from overthinking it a little more.

I'm not sure what the function of the avoidance is yet, but trying to figure that out. Last minute pressure does shut down my tendency to overthink. This is beyond last minute at this point though.

I think avoidance of what I'm avoiding gives me an excuse? as to why I failed. It is self fulfilling. I'm scared I'll fail, so I just fail on my terms. I'm scared too that trying to succeed won't matter, maybe. Not sure. I used to be super on top of things like this, and my life still came undone and trauma happened. I lost everything I had ever worked for. I don't want that to happen again. Now I'm working for things that really matter to me, I guess I'm scared and email gives me a chance to feel that fear while in person, I just do. I just try. I just go with it.

 

[scout86]

I don't have a solution, but wanted to say I have a similar problem returning phone calls. Not all the time, it kind of comes and goes. I haven't had a problem with emails, I think because it feels 'safer'? I have time to think and can control where my end of the conversation ends up. (It's easier to say 'no' in an email.)

What has helped the most is to try to set it up so I do it without having too much time to think about it. (That way I'm less likely to talk myself out of it or 'find other things I need to do first'.)

 

[Justmehere]

I finally sent the email about the job. Trying to let it go and move on to the next one. And the next one. Went to a coffee shop that was open at the crack of dawn, and it's helping me get out of my head to be here. I have one email to send to a group of about 300 people for a volunteer project. Oh dear. At least they can't fire me? sigh.

What has helped the most is to try to set it up so I do it without having too much time to think about it. (That way I'm less likely to talk myself out of it or 'find other things I need to do first'.)

My apartment is never cleaner than when I have TONS of emails in my inbox. lol. Phone calls feel like I can read someone else a little better, and thus a little safer, although I'm not much better at that. Not thinking about it too much seems to be key. While I wish it was easier for you too, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who wrestles with this. Argh.

 

[digger]

@NatBird - please log in to your account to make replies, thanks.

 

[scout86]

My apartment is never cleaner than when I have TONS of emails in my inbox.

That reminds me of something my T said. We were talking about the phone call problem. I had said that, "At the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing is returning phone calls." He said, (and this is probably funnier if you know his sense of humor), "Maybe you need to redefine 'the end of the day'." As in, it ain't over till the phone calls are made. :( That thought was surprisingly helpful. So, maybe you "can't clean the apartment until the emails are answered"?