Questions about avoidance

[Willowtree]

Hi.
I'm new to this forum as per a couple of days ago.

I am a supporter, not a sufferer. I am trying to understand my sufferers behaviours better. I feel I have not been equipped to deal with them, although I have certainly tried my hardest.

Just wondering, when sufferers avoid, or ignore, or go into isolation, what is it you think about?

Does it help to calm your anxieties? Or are you suffereing in silence?

My sufferer blocks me or ignores me from communication. He normally comes back, but he's even more guarded and hesitant to be around me. I have been trying to create a safe place for him to come back into the relationship. But nothing is ever talked about or resolved. So we can never really move on. I feel we are stuck in this pattern. Thanks for any feedback, I am trying to bring forth love and compassion. It does get frusterating. He has not admitted there is a problem, it is the elephant in the room that has always been there. I have only brought up going to talk to someone a few times. He just shuts me out.

Please just looking for some clarity. Thanks so much.

 

[NatBird]

I tend to be thinking about avoiding things that activate me: people, places, activities etc that MIGHT lead me to feel emotions that overwhelm me, and take me 'back there'. This is usually followed by thoughts about incompetence - not managing life which leads to shame, then guilt about who I am hurting, then my own worthlessness.
When I am doing this I am suffering, maybe making things difficult, I wouldn't say it was silent!

Other times I am taking time to evaluate my thoughts and feelings, trying to steady the waves before returning to the shore. I will often communicate this to the person(s) involved so they aren't left wondering. For me this is a way of using 'space' to decrease anxiety, regroup and respond instead of reacting -- to address what is happening.

I sense there will be similarities for people but exact thoughts more personal.

I've just been dating someone that has similar behaviour to what you're describing. It can be challenging, frustrating and although often not personal, is/can be hurtful. Sending support.

 

[LoveTea]

I tend to avoid out of stress and being overwhelmed. For me, the people/places/things/situations etc. arn't necessarily tied to the reason I'm avoiding, it's just the poor coping skill I have developed. I do tend to find it much harder to resolve when it comes to people. It feels hard to reconnect, and I really really don't want to talk about it. For some reason it feels very overwhelming and that there is a huge loss of control. After some time has passed, I am generally more open to talking about it with other another friend or my T, but I never really talk to the person I was avoiding and it does make that relationship strained. I am certainly aware of the strain. I wish I could give you amore concrete solution to your problem, but thanks for reaching out and being so supportive.

 

[Tinyflame]

Avoid:
more stress
overwhelm
triggers
people or places that remind me of past trauma or act the same
places and people that are un-caring or not being welcome or I mistrust.

Because, I feel:
ill
exhausted
ashamed
a misfit
no point.

Think of:
none of the above.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have PTSD, and I don't have relationships simply because of that behavior. When someone with PTSD starts to feel closer, it is stressful. When it is too stressful, they leave. That has nothing to do with the other person, it is a symptom. They will continue to repeat the behavior using excuses if they don't realize that they are doing it. It really isn't about you. The question is how much do you want a relationship with someone who does this? If you married this person, would their behavior escalate into attacking you verbally to create a sense of disconnect? This is a difficult illness, that a lot of friends, families and people in general don't understand, so it is often hard to communicate. You sound like a lovely person, I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I also have an anxiety disorder that has been aggravated recently with my anxiety levels spiking up. I tend to avoid things when I am in a frozen, state and my levels of functioning are very low and I recognize I will have to avoid the thing I need to do until I empty stress cup and do some self care and prop myself back up later on. I have never been sorry for postponing an event to wait until I am functioning better ususally the next day

 

[scout86]

what is it you think about?

Actually, most of the time, it seems like I'm NOT thinking. Just reacting. Have you ever touched an electric fence? When I'm avoiding stuff/people/ what ever, it's pretty much the same mechanism as enters in when I'm avoiding touching an electric fence. There's a perception (which often isn't very accurate) that something is somehow, dangerous, risky, too complicated, and I avoid it.

Does it help to calm your anxieties?

Hell no! It generally adds to it, on some level because I know that everything I'm trying to avoid is going to catch up with me sooner or later. Although, if I avoid returning phone calls long enough, sooner or later people write me off and then at least I don't have to deal with the consequences. (Except sometimes, on some level, you still do.)

Or are you suffereing in silence?

I guess I'm not even sure what you mean by that. I don't really register things as "suffering" and, if I did, "in silence" seems like the only way you'd do it.

but he's even more guarded and hesitant to be around me.

That seems kind of reasonable, to me. Maybe he's worried about what's going to happen next?

I have been trying to create a safe place for him to come back into the relationship.

What's your idea of a "safe place"? What's his idea, do you know?

But nothing is ever talked about or resolved.

What do you want to talk about, exactly? What do you want to resolve?

I am trying to bring forth love and compassion.

Sometimes, being on the receiving end of that can be hard, even if it's well intended. (Honestly, the word that first came to mind wasn't "hard" it was "terrifying" but that might just be me.)

I can't speak for anyone but myself. I tend to avoid things, I suppose, when the 'stress cup' is pretty full. People treating me "special" actually adds to the stress level because they expect something from you then, and maybe I'm not going to meet their expectations, and then what? (More stress!) The easiest people to deal with are the ones who just go on about their business and accept you the way you are. In a relationship, I guess the easiest people to deal with would be those who spell out their expectations in words of one syllable or less, so at least you know what they want and can decide whether or not you measure up. The idea that someone was spending time and effort to "create a safe place" for me would.... I don't know, kind of freak me out. Someone can BE safe, but I think we each have to create our own "safe space" if such things actually exist. Someone making a lot of fuss like that, my first thought is "They want something" and usually (in my experience) that's not good. Like I said, this doesn't necessarily apply to anyone else, but it might.

 

[Tinyflame]

Really really like and agree with @scout86 's post.

Something that hasn't been mentioned here I think, is as people with ptsd or not, we all are driven by 5-11 (esp 5-6) core values, and often in relationship to one another IMHO those core values will determine much, and future behaviour, or long-term authentic respect and compatability, as well as regard and getting needs met, to each other's mutual respect and satisfaction. Though frequently people abuse/ take advantage of what they realize in the other to fulfill their own needs (but of course that never lasts since it isn't actually authentic- as my mom once said 'anyone can see 'how' you are-choose someone who values it'.)

It's the same concept behind jury selection, or knowing someone well. Yes it is knowing what makes them 'tick'. The thing is though, many people or institutions do recognize and exploit those values with interest in their own gain, rather than share them or hold them in the same regard 'for' the other.

And this is where mistrust and confusion sets in. For example, I read today something about a church like, "..if you give 20$ per week and are away for 2 weeks, give 60$ the 3rd week to support your 'spirtual home' ". Now I get this- there are expenses, of course (though 20$ may be too much-or too little- for what someone could afford). But is the value of 'home' or 'family' the money one gives? Sure sounds like it, phrased that way. Simply because home, family, money and faith are all distinct values. As are appearances, love, loyalty, attention, selflessness, self-seeking, fidelity, honesty, integrity, etc etc. You could accomplish the same thing saying, 'we need to catch up!' , (recognizing people value more their core values of own-time, self-autonomy, etc).

So avoidance to me can be as unique as there are people, and traumas, and combintion of values, and sometimes is temporary and sometimes permanent. Before I would not have based 'avoiding avoidance' on harming others' feelings. Now it would bother me, but it would not bother me if I think it's not a core value of their's (and won't bother them).

Hope that makes sense. :confused:

 

[EveHarrington]

Not answering your question, but I think communication is the key.

My guy has been ok after my "episodes" for the reason that I'm 1000% willing to communicate with him and answer any/all questions. I tell him exactly what was going on in my head that caused me to act/react the way I did. Of course while I'm IN the episode, he gets freaked out, but it's the resolution afterwards that makes all the difference.

:hug:

 

[Willowtree]

I tend to be thinking about avoiding things that activate me: people, places, activities etc that MIGHT...

Hi @NatBird

Thank you for your reply. It's helping me know what I can/can't Do, and how to approach it differently.

I tend to avoid out of stress and being overwhelmed. For me, the people/places/things/situations etc. a...

@LoveTea

I love your name
And thank you for the reply.

I think I (not on purpose) overwhelm him. I am just trying to help. The shut outs cause me great pain. Although I feel now I am getting more and more used to them.

I just want him to know I accept him, but on the other hand, i can't take his pushing me away. I know now it's the PTSD acting out. He has always told me it's not a lack of love. I fear without healing, this pattern will just repeat.

Avoid:
more stress
overwhelm
triggers
people or places that remind me of past trauma or act the same
pla...

Thank you Junebug.
What helps you when in these states?

I am more than willing to learn. Anything I can do to help facilliate soothing his anxieties?

I have PTSD, and I don't have relationships simply because of that behavior. When someone with PTSD...

Thank you @DharmaGirl

I so want a relationship with him. I know he needs his space. I'm just not sure how much is this the PTSD, and how much is him? It maybe so deeply ingrained into him now. I'm new so forgive me if that is at all offensive. I'm just learning about PTSD. I know very little, but am willing to learn. I just wish I had known all of this earlier. I feel I wasn't in a good place before.

Also, without them getting help, it is possible.dor change?

 

[Willowtree]

Actually, most of the time, it seems like I'm NOT thinking. Just reacting. Have you ever touched an ele...

Hi @scout86

Thanks for the rundown and the responses.

Generally, when I say resolve things, I mean any kind of conflict that comes up. So, for example, it could be small, like what movie to watch for a date night. Or, it could be bigger. Like if we have a fight, resolve the issue and come to either a compromise or a place of understanding. I find with my sufferer, that is nearly impossible. He is not willing to resolve or talk about things that can come up, and problem solve. So a lot of the issues never have resolve, and are just floating. I have let much go, but when it comes to being able to move forward, we are stuck.

Not answering your question, but I think communication is the key.

My guy has been ok after my...

Eve, thank you for THIS response. Because you took the words right out of my mouth!!

I find I would be more than ok with him taking space and time, if after he could just come back and have a little conversation about it after.

It would help me to know a little bit more of what he needs, while at the same time give me some sort of peace of mind that he is ok and we are on an ok place.

In my situation, everything is just left unresolved

How did u get to this point. What were some of he things you two did to make this happening? How did u approach this?

Thanks

 

[Nessa7]

In my experience, avoidance and isolation aren't the same. With isolation, I am usually more aware that I am doing it. Most of the time I isolate for short periods of time. I don't know that I would consider it as calming my anxiety. I think of it more as recharging. It is usually because I feel tired and overwhelmed. My predominant thought is that I'm exhausted and any interaction with anyone or doing anything is going to suck all of my remaining energy out of me. Up until 24 hours, I consider it to be a healthy coping method for me.

If a minor disagreement takes place when I'm like this, I don't remember it. One thing I needed to do to improve communication with someone I lived with was be specific about conversations about food when I was going through this. She would think that I was annoyed because I didn't like what she made for dinner or that we were about to have one of those conversations where we go back and forth with neither of us knowing what to eat. My brain would be too overwhelmed to remember that we had even talked. I had to start making a point to explain that I wasn't hungry and needed to lay down.

For me, there is a limit to what someone can do for me to make it easier. A lot of the time I will like to be in the same room as someone with both of us doing activities on our own. Maybe he'll play video games and ignore me while I read a book. On rare occasions, it will be really bad, and I will just need to take a nap or lay down in the dark and listen to some music.

I think I am a better communicator than your boyfriend, and one thing that I need from people is for them to trust that I'll talk to someone about what was bothering me. I have a big support network, and I'll talk to different people about different things when I'm ready to. I might not talk to a significant other, but it usually doesn't mean anything about what I think about them.