Questions about avoidance

[EveHarrington]

Hi @scout86

Thanks for the rundown and the responses.

Generally, when I say r...

Well.....I will be honest as I don't want to misrepresent my situation. I've only known my guy a few months now. I got lucky in that he's an über communicator AND he never judges me. Ever. It is this combination that makes me feel ok with opening up and sharing with him. I have dated other guys and didn't feel comfortable communicating with them, a big reason being that they were judgmental. I wish I could give you more pointers other than "start with a partner who thrives on communication" but yeah, this is pretty much what happened.

 

[scout86]

he never judges me

I think that's HUGE.

 

[shimmerz]

He is not willing to resolve or talk about things that can come up, and problem solve.

This could be because a good piece of avoidance can be the inability to problem solve or make decisions because of being overwhelmed. The thing is, I simply cannot live up to the expectations and time frames that others want out of me. That leads to pressure. Pressure leads to stress. The more stress I am under, the more my partner wants me to 'buck up'. And I simply can't. And it all comes crashing in when I am so overwhelmed that I have to leave.

 

[Willowtree]

This could be because a good piece of avoidance can be the inability to problem solve or make decision...

Thats understandable.

I guess a good way to approach it would be to let it be and allow him to come to me? The only thing is, if he is not willing to admit himself that he has an illness, the likelihood of him being able to admit that to me is very slim, right?

i am not trying to add any stress at all. Im really just learning. Some approaches are different for different people. I find it has been trial and error. I am human too, and I'm trying to be as gentle as I can.

 

[Freida]

From the other side.... I'm just coming back from a bout of avoidance....

I have had a crap ass super stressful week and I've been surrounded by friends and family and all I can think of is escaping them. It's all of the reasons and reactions the others have talked about and they make sense when you read it. But when you are living in it ..... its just exhausting. I can barely keep myself together and it's taking every ounce of energy I have to just function. I have nothing left to give to others.

You may be underestimating the sheer embarrassment and shame and franticness that is part of the fun of PTSD. I know they love me but when I'm in this place I can't love them back and that makes me feel like crap. I can't tell them how I feel, because I don't know. All I know is that I'm ashamed and frantic and having flashbacks and that makes me bitchy and I want to take it out on everyone around me but that isn't fair to them. So I have to hold it in. I can't have a rational conversation so trying to reason with me will just piss me off. And my supporters keep asking if I'm ok...and I DONT KNOW!! Sorry for yelling - but that's kind of how it feels. Then I feel like crap - again - for taking it out on them.

So the best thing to do is to get some space between them and me. Get somewhere quiet, walk the dog, turn on the TV in the bedroom and lock the door, do whatever I have to do to not risk blowing up at those around me. If I reach out its going to be to others like me - which can be offensive to family members who want to be the ones I turn to when this happens. But you can't be. You can have all the best intentions - and those are appreciated - but you can't imagine the mess that's going on in here.

I'm finally getting on top of it -- just in the last couple hours. Tonight I'll be able to have a conversation with the hubby and shoot a text to my sis to let them know I'm "back" and I'm ok. Until the next time.....and yes. There is always a next time.

 

[mumstheword]

There's just so much going on emotionally when I'm in avoidance mode. And yes, shame, rage, deep hurt, grief, an overwhelming sense of inadequacy, sometime emotional exhaustion, flashbacks that are just living in the middle of a horror movie that is your own life, sometime lots of tears, really its just something that I could expose myself to only to others who've suffered similarly, because I don't want to explain stuff to people that might look too horrified, think I am weak, think I crazy, feel sorry for me, think I am stupid for putting myself in such victimy situations...things like that. Like people who haven't been in domestic violence can be like "why didn't you just leave?" Not understanding the power and the fear and the aloneness and the mind control that person who abuses and abuses you can have over you.
Questions that come from lack of understanding can be brutal, sometimes.
It is just such a vulnerable place that it is very hard to trust people, especially when all the significant people in your life, from birth to .... (37 in my case) hurt you, let you down, or let you be terribly traumatised and didn't respond or responded in a way that shamed you and blamed you.
You have to go slowly and just be available. Maybe let him know how you feel but not in a way that will cause him to feel pressured or responsible for your feelings.
He will open up when he feels safe and that can take years. Men especially, are often conditioned to not show when they are hurting or feeling vulnerable, so allow him his dignity. He might just need that alone space like he needs food. My guy is also a sufferer and we both need lots of alone time, but cuddles are also good. Sometimes hugs with no words is the best.

 

[Buttercup]

Excellent thread.

 

[New]

From the other side.... I'm just coming back from a bout of avoidance....

I have had a crap ass super...

Everything you said is exactly what I do. I can so relate.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Willowtree, how is it working out? You were not offensive, I was just saying I couldn't tolerate a relationship and I really think you supporters are wonderful, compassionate, forgiving people who are able to love people who are struggling. Do you think it might help to encourage him to take time every day to be by himself. I usually take an hour or two, or four when I've had therapy, to be alone and work on skills, or just read. That's all I can think of to suggest. It might be helpful, it might not. I was wondering if you were seeing a therapist? It might help a lot. Not that there's anything wrong with you, I think is it just really, really stressful on supporters.

 

[Buttercup]

It's funny, I first came to this forum due to a shut out and all this time that is what I have been calling these episodes. But now I am seeing from this thread that it's avoidance. Maybe just semantics, but i don't think so. Not in my situation. I guess "shut outs" are the behavior or action that is avoiding.

Or maybe this thread is just opening my eyes a bit more. Well, A LOT more!

 

[Friday]

But now I am seeing from this thread that it's avoidance. Maybe just semantics, but i don't think so.

On the nose! :tup:

The term shut-out bothers me, on a few different levels.

Isolating? Is a thing.
Avoidance? Is a thing.
Both symptoms, and coping mechanisms, depending on what's going on.

Shut out? I can shut someone out and neither be isolating, nor dealing with avoidance, nor really have it be anything to do with PTSD whatsoever. I'm making a decision to cut someone off, for whatever reason; which is my right just as much as everyone else on the planet has the right to shut me out / cut me off. Just because the decision was made to.

Shutting someone out is about THEM.

Isolating & Avoidance? Is about ME.

It has nothing to very little to do with them, when I'm isolating or struggling with avoidance. It's has to do with how I am managing my stress (or not), my symptoms (or not), my life (or not). I can be in deep, strong, fulfilling relationships where we're both getting our needs & wants met whilst still dealing with those symptoms. (Not just talking romantic relationships either, but family, friendships, professional relationships, etc.) And I can be in a relationship with someone else who also has those symptoms, and the same. It takes working things out between us, and it's not always perfect or easy (what relationship is?), but it's a very manageable thing.

 

[Buttercup]

Man, @Friday, that is a great explanation! Thanks for that.