Partner refuses to get help. looking for insight

[Ihon]

Nope, it's not fair!

Trauma destroys us (or tries to) and our loved ones suffer, too.

Yes, I feel that too.
I was not warned about this when I met him. I had no idea what was in store for me. But that doesn't mean I'm not working my ass off to be here for him.

I just can't do it alone.....i can be in this fight for him without him wanting to fight too. That's how I'm feeling, anyways.

 

[Ebo]

Thanks for the reply.
I have a feeling deep down my S is terrified. I just have a hard time going from totally in love,...

Okay...
You are right. It isn't fair.
My unvarnished opinion is that you deserve much better.
I apologize if that seems too harsh or if that remark was in anyway inappropriate. But, please consider putting yourself first and taking care of yourself first. in my opinion, your significant other has a responsibility to get his act together as best he can if he wants to have a good relationship with you. He has a part to play if he wants a good relationship. Just my opinionated opinion.
Best to you.

 

[Amice]

You said that you both went to one therapy session and he would not go back. My husband did that too. Many years later I asked if he would see a therapist alone and he agreed and has been going for 3 years. Sometime we think it's a relationship problem when on fact it's a PTSD problem that interferes with the relationship. He may not feel comfortable with you there and needs to do it alone. Also, we have learned the hard way that when you seek out a therapist and he doesn't connect, don't go back but instead seek out another one until he finds someone he can connect with. It makes all the difference in the world.

 

[Ihon]

Okay...
You are right. It isn't fair.
My unvarnished opinion is that you deserve much better.
I apo...

No I agree. Thank you for that opinion.
It is his responsibility. I feel stuck because I love him, I want to be with him and build a life together.

But it's as if his illness is this big pink elephant in the room. I am not allowed to talk about feelings or emotions. I am not allowed to address anything. How can you have a relationship like that?

I dont feel like its a "deserve" thing. Everybody deserves to be treated well and loved well. Including him. But at the end of the day, he is choosing this. I don't want to throw up my white flag and surrerender, but he's a sinking ship with a patch in his hand. He can save himself at anytime.

I just can't go down with him :cry::cry::cry:

 

[Ihon]

You said that you both went to one therapy session and he would not go back. My husband did that too. Many years later...

I have heard that. But what if he won't see one period? He won't talk about what's going on within. He doesn't want to discuss emotions or feelings....

 

[Epel]

That's his choice. It's his pain and his decision. Some people choose therapy easily, others don't. Some do awesome in therapy, others don't. Some people get better in therapy, others don't. We are all different and we all deal with things differently. If he's not ready for ther therapy, then you have to accept that. It's his choice, just like it's your choice to stay in the relationship or to move on. You can't force him, convince him or push him (it only make it worse).

When and if he's ready it will be his choice and he will seek counseling but until then, you can love him for who he is (faults and all) or you can make a decision that this crosses the boundries that you have set for your life and move on.

It doesn't make him wrong for not seeking therapy. It doesn't make you wrong for standing by him or walking away. Loving someone who has PTSD is not and never will be an easy life (even if they are in therapy and/or meds). PTSD triggers show up whenever they want to and steals the person you love for a while. It never goes away. You have good days, weeks, or months and you have bad days, weeks or months.

Therapy can help but it's not a cure. You will always have to fight PTSD from stealing the one you love. It's reality. It will never go away and you need to realize that.

Therapy is not a cure all and sometimes it makes things a whole lot worse before it gets better. It also takes years of therapy to really get somewhere.

So what I'm trying to say is that even if he went to therapy your relationship would not get instantly better. It most likely would get worse for a while because therapy is hard. It brings up trauma that the sufferer has tried to suppress to survive. That's why most of us supporters are in therapy as well because we have to learn to deal with PTSD as an invader of our relationship.

 

[Ihon]

That's his choice. It's his pain and his decision. Some people choose therapy easily, others don't. Some do awesome in...

Thanks Epel for your reply.

I completely agree with everything you said. Therapy is not a cure for PTSD. It doesn't mean everything would be great and poof! Magically amazing.

It is his choice. Sitting here and watching the man I love struggle is the most painful thing I've ever had to endure. I feel helpless. I see this strong, beautiful and spiritual man be eaten away at. It's like watching someone with cancer take over their body. Only it's not visible. It's not his fault. It's not mine. But yet its still happening.

I'm prepared to fight it. I'm getting ready and I will be his warrior, lover, confident and friend, if he would let me. But he is not in that place.

I love him unconditionally. But like I have read on so many posts here, sometimes love is not enough. I've also read that untreated PTSD is vastly different then treated PTSD in terms of long term relationships.

I'm very sad it has ripped him away from me. I will be here if he needs me. I just don't know at what capacity. I guess time will tell. I just know I still have hope in my heart. I'm strong, and am living my life for myself as best as I can in the meantime. I send him love and light Every night when I go to bed.

Thank you so much for the support and advice. This forum has truly been so eye opening and helpful. So much great support on here!!!

 

[Jozur]

I applaud you for your empathy. And obviously, your intentions are to see you both as happy and fulfilled as possible.

But if watching him "not get help" because he's chosen not to is, honestly, the "most painful thing you've ever endured"? Abort. This isn't a ride you're ready to cope with.

Empathy can be a bitch of a thing.

 

[Ihon]

I applaud you for your empathy. And obviously, your intentions are to see you both as happy and fulfilled as possible....

It is a bitch of a thing.
It's f*cking rough.

Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.
Are you a sufferer or supporter? It's good to get both sides of the coin. Even tho sometimes it hurts to hear some of the things I have been told....i feel it is making me stronger and will help me, either on this journey with him or not.

All of this has changed me. No turning back and turning a blind eye now...

 

[Jozur]

Sufferer. But I've got supporters. And some of them? Haven't coped with my recovery journey thus far. Like, spectacular crash and burn and explode not coped!

If he's okay? It's okay to just accept him as he is. Imperfect.

But if this is already too painful for you to be part of? (And that's actually completely okay). Then you're really not gonna handle it. You're not. Him not getting help is the most painful thing you've ever been through? Him getting help? Is harder than this.

 

[Ihon]

Sufferer. But I've got supporters. And some of them? Haven't coped with my recovery journey thus far. Like, spectacu...

Obviously it's new territory for me....all of it. I've gotten such solid advice, especially about the illness and taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Maybe it's not something i can cope with? I have no idea. Yes, it's been very painful. I know it gets worse before it gets better. A few weeks ago I knew nothing about this. I'm processing and seeing my own therapist.

But your right. Maybe Its just too much for me. All I know is, a year ago i was living with the love of my life and starting a new adventure. This wasn't even on my radar.
And now I have been thrust into this and am trying to land on my feet while learning all i can. It's the equalilant to being blindsided.

Taking one day at a time right now.

I know it effects everyone differently. And that choice to heal is his. I am here for him as much as I can be without being swallowed by it myself. I've just seen so many posts on this forum that if the sufferer is not in healing, chances are the relationship will not withstand much.

 

[Hosol]

. I've also read that untreated PTSD is vastly different then treated PTSD in terms of long term relationships.

CAN BE.....not IS!

I've been through treatment and while I've improved, relationships are still VERY VERY hard to handle. I'd say that other areas are vastly improved, but relationships are the last hold out.

In other words, treatment won't necessarily make relationships easier for him. Hopefully there will be some improvement, but it may not be a lot of improvement. (Sad to say.)