Is closure all that important?

[Justmehere]

Mine has said in an email that it was understandable that I was feeling these things and has said it makes sense given my trauma that blah blah blah whatever I said.

Ok, so she is trying...

I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm just not getting it.

I think this might be where you need to start. What are your goals for therapy? You don't have to know how to get there, but it might help you find the right folks to achieve your goals if you can identify your goals for going to therapy.

And maybe therapists don't actually help with feelings and just watch you fall apart and laugh later but I wanted more.

That's an interesting interpretation of what is happening that you have stated a few times. Do you really think therapists do that?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Ok, so she is trying...

I think this might be where you need to start. What are your goals for ther...

I've brought in several lists of goals. I didn't know how to get there and that's exactly what I went to therapy for. My t never told me how to achieve them. I suppose it's my job to figure it all out on my own? So I've been trying. Like better connections with people and procrastination and perfectionism among many, many others. So I talk about my struggles and things I learn through books, forums, fb groups, podcasts and interactions with people. So I learn more and more what works and what helps a bit but nothing has really gotten me to my goal. But there are more books and more podcasts. I wish that's what therapy was! That's what I thought it was. You go in with problems and they tell you how to go about fixing it. But they just stare at you.

Likely she has other things to do besides laughing. But I do believe she doesn't give a $hit. Maybe she did in the beginning but lately it's been apparent to me she wants me gone but don't know if that's instinct or bull$hit.

 

[EveHarrington]

My impression is that this therapist isn't very good and you just can't see that.

She TOLD you that ending treatment wouldn't affect her?

Ok so maybe it won't but it's a total douche bag move to say this to someone. NOT COOL!

And she can't handle anger? She's in the wrong damn profession and needs to quit like yesterday. It's not your job to hide yourself true and VALID feelings in order to make her feel ok.

 

[Sideways]

Some therapists subscribe to the freudian thing where they sit there and let you talk and try not to superimpose their own slant on whatever you need to say. So, the attitude might be (for her) that how she's feeling shouldn't be relevant- it's your feelings that you're there to work through.

When you look for a new T, maybe try and find someone that is going to be more hands on and direct things a bit more actively.

Closure, to me? Isn't important. And for me? I actually need my T to sit there and just let me get it out a lot of the time. I've had a T that got emotional, and it was pretty durn catastrophic for both of us! Different strokes for different folks, you know?

There's a few mixed messages in what you seem to be saying: she doesn't get involved, but she does if you get angry. You want her to get emotional about you going, but you're not sure you can be bothered with closure...

Ts come in a lot of different shapes and sizes, which is good, because it means there's one out there that will be right for you. If this one isn't? That's okay. Take what's helpful, leave the rest, move on if it's just not working:)

 

[UnicornSightings]

My impression is that this therapist isn't very good and you just can't see that.

She TOLD you...

Yeah, she said it didn't affect her, that it's different for therapists.

The first time I ever told her I didn't agree with something she said, and I did it in the most respectful way I could muster, she said I hurt her feelings. Been afraid ever since to disagree although I have. Those times resulted in me only saying a fraction of what I wanted to say so she wouldn't be hurt and she would just say she disagreed or she'd get an attitude (her facial expression would change and she would give clipped responses the rest of the session, tone changed a bit). The next session she'd be happy as ever. It was very confusing. I really wish I would've learned some conflict resolution skills. I said that a few times and she didn't reply.

Some therapists subscribe to the freudian thing where they sit there and let you talk and try no...

She's technically a dbt therapist. But she will change her approach for different people. So maybe she was doing what she thought was best.

When I'm open and vulnerable (which took me so long to get to) she doesn't say anything. At all. When I get angry she shuts me down and disagrees and her demeanor changes. She doesn't like being challenged even a little bit.

And yeah! I want her to be affected! We have been seeing each other for more than 2 years!! Do I mean nothing to her? Apparently since that's basically what she said. And it's not that I can't be bothered with closure, like I said, I'm committed to hard things but it's just so hurtful. Not helpful, hurtful. And I'm wondering if the reward is worth the price of pain. I mean, whether I say goodbye or not, she's still leaving.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

She's technically a dbt therapist. But she will change her approach for different people. So m...

If it's hurtful to say goodbye then don't. You don't owe her anything. remember you are the client, the boss, the gatekeeper, the one in charge. Email her a goodbye and let her know that it was too hurtful for you to come in.

 

[Justmehere]

When you go into see a therapist, they should be able to outline for you what therapies and tools they will use to try to help you reach your goals and help you fix your problems, or learn to live with them better. Even a psychodynamic therapist who leans towards being a blank slate should still have a plan.

For example, if you went into a therapist with a goal of reducing perfectionism, improving relationships, etc, a therapist should be able to say after a few sessions that they can try to help you achieve that goal by using exposure therapy, CBT, DBT etc... It might take a few sessions for them to assess, and the tools they use might change, but there should be a clear path of treatment your therapist is able to outline fairly early on, and is able to return to that and make adjustments. I ask every therapist I have seen, what should I work on this week. If they repeatedly don't give me homework, I find a different therapist. Not all therapists do this - some see therapy in a more meandering way. That's not because they don't care --- there are much easier jobs with better pay than mental health field. But I've seen a few that I left because they couldn't outline a plan forward and how therapy would help me. I went a found the ones that could outline that plan.

A DBT therapist should especially be giving you homework, diary cards, worksheets, coaching you through skills to use.... if she's not, she's a horrible DBT therapist.

Use your anger to fuel you to go find those therapists in your area that can be much more practical and responsive. It might help you to find a path forward that feels more hopeful, and that might help you gain a better sense of closure with this therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is she a "wounded healer" perhaps?

 

[deeplyloved]

I'm so sorry she said that to you. Ouch! I think I would feel really hurt if my therapist said it wouldn't affect her at all to stop seeing me. Even though it's a professional relationship, not a personal one, I believe healing requires being cared for and held in positive regard. And when I tell my therapist she has missed the mark, she apologizes! It is not wrong for you to address conflict with your therapist. It's painful, but not wrong. I'm sorry you have been made to feel it is not ok for you to express anger or disappointment.

 

[Scarlet13]

It sounds like she is a tricky therapist to be attached to. You may find success with a T who is more about the trauma processing and who from day one can tell you how he/she manages attachments.

Also, there is a reason she is going on a sabbatical and this may effect how she is handling you. She has her own issues. It is time to practice radical acceptance. I would go see her one more time for a non angry closure but for more of a radical acceptance closure.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It sounds like she is a tricky therapist to be attached to. You may find success with a T who is more...

I have that book. I should read it. Thank you for your words. I put an email out to a therapist who is also a life coach. Weird combo and it's a guy but maybe I need something radically different (see what I did there?! ;) )

I'm so sorry she said that to you. Ouch! I think I would feel really hurt if my therapist said it w...

Omg thank you for the kindness!!!! Yes, it's been difficult and I so appreciate the sentiment. I will grieve and move on.

Is she a "wounded healer" perhaps?

Aren't they all?

When you go into see a therapist, they should be able to outline for you what therapies and tools th...

Thank you for the advice and the info on what's normal. I really appreciate it. I'll move on. I think I'll meet with a few therapists and see who I click with.

If it's hurtful to say goodbye then don't. You don't owe her anything. remember you are the client, the bos...

I'm not allowed to email. I can't email important things but it's ok for her to email she's leaving even though she was gonna see me 4 days later. I brought that up and she didn't even flinch. Didn't see for a second how hypocritical she was being. I won't email because she has forbade it. So I either show or don't. I'm leaning on not.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh shiesh. That is a pretty crap way to handle email and termination... probably tied with whatever reason she is going on sabbatical. Still, it's terribly unprofessional. Can you can and cancel via phone?