Getting worse again, what to do?

[Deleted member 27340]

I'm on a decline, and I don't want to get as bad as the last low where I was severely agoraphobic, isolated for 2 months, could only sleep after the sun came up again, constantly dissociated, had flashbacks probably 50% of the time, a fair amount of delusions and daily hallucinations. That was November and December last year.

I've been drinking for almost a week straight, tried to not drink yesterday and ended up just being so stressed and angry about something that I punched the wall until it was bloody and I had a ping-pong ball sized swollen part on my middle finger's knuckle, cut myself again and then wound up drinking more. I haven't had a drink yet today, and I only have a third left of the last vodka bottle anyway, and I have some expenses this week that make it so that I probably won't afford alcohol this week (I get paid weekly). I also smoked some stuff I'm not exactly sure what was last week, and ended up banging my bestfriend's f*ckbuddy.

I'm basically a zombie. I can't get anything done. I have to clean the apartment in an hour and a half right when I'm done typing this post, because my sister is visiting. I talk very little, usually I'm chatty. My housemate seems concerned with me.

I'm not sure what to do, I know I should get my shit together, but I have no idea how, because I'm back at the point where I'm either drunk or walking around like a dissociated zombie. Or, alternatively, freaking out and punching the f*ck out of something or throwing stuff around.

I don't really have anyone to turn to. My child service caseworker would only tell me to talk to my psychologist, but the child psychiatry is useless and doesn't take anyone seriously and they have never helped me, even when I've been desperate enough to beg them to listen to me despite how much they've let me down. Friends of mine in the same system have said it gets better once you move up to adult psychiatry, but I don't turn 18 until next summer.

I feel like I'm out of options and that I'm not actually seen by anyone in the system, I'm just a bunch of papers. And there's a limit to how much friends can do but listen and validate. Any ideas?

 

[Lössnus]

Honestly, one thing that works extreamly good for me is video games.
Given it a try?

And do note, it's not a long term solution, it's pretty much the definition of a short term solution.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Honestly, one thing that works extreamly good for me is video games.
Given it a try?

And do note, it...

I've never gamed much, really. I also think there's a limit to how heavy games my laptop could handle. I have some games on Steam (Postal 2 and Plague Inc and a couple other strategy games), but I open Steam maybe...3-5 times a year?
I mean, alcohol isn't exactly a long term solution either.

 

[Friday]

If you're beating the crap out of walls, you've got a ton of physical energy that needs an outlet. Ideally a healthy one, yeah. Been to the climbing gym lately? Can be around people but interacting in a very limited way, gets you out of the house, and burns off a ton of stress with physical activity.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

If you're beating the crap out of walls, you've got a ton of physical energy that needs an outlet. Ideal...

I mean, the wall definitely had it coming :p
I got completely out of rock climbing when I moved away from my father May 2015. I might go on Monday, it depends. They got a new gym so they no longer have the thing where you can get a key card and access the gym whenever, so I have to go during drop-in hours and I think the club is very active now. I just hope that my hand is better if I do go climbing on Monday, right now I can't even really clench it into a fist.

 

[Friday]

I mean, the wall definitely had it coming :p.

<grin> Heavy Bag & Boxing Gloves. Really. Even the few seconds it takes to strap the suckers on helps to insert control over temper. I've broken my hand on faaaar too many walls. The longer bags, like for kickboxing, are great, because it lets you get legs & knees & feet into it (both when you've f*cked up your hand, and when it just needs to be a full body workout on the fly). And the awesome thing about heavy bags? They're right there, in your home. And if you don't take the 15 seconds to strap on your gear, you'll still damage yourself into aaaaargh! I'm such an idiot. Gloves gloves gloves! Because if you don't use them? You won't be able to work out your aggression when you want to.

But if you can get back into a regular sport you love? It will help bleed off some of the stress that's building until it explodes. Bag at home for regular practice &/or emergencies. Regular sport for bleeding off stress.

 

[Lössnus]

aaaaargh! I'm such an idiot. Gloves gloves gloves!

Phf, never.. never.. happened to me.. I.. I don't know.. what you're talking about..

Something that helps me a lot that is more on the physical side is actually longboarding.
Don't know if where you live allows that however, roads have to be quite good for it to be enjoyable.

Riding your longboard in the middle of the night is such a freedom.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

How solid does whatever you use to fasten a punching bag in have to be? And are those things pricey?

My town doesn't really seem longboard friendly. Us Norwegians, you know, we don't like building and maintaining roads when we can spend our time shopping alcohol, cigs and snus over in Sweden instead :hilarious:

 

[Lössnus]

SNUS?! Did I hear snus?! :playful:

 

[Deleted member 27340]

You heard snus!! I assume you like it, judging by your name?

 

[DharmaGirl]

How about horses? Not punching them, but riding them, or having equine therapy?

 

[Lössnus]

You heard snus!! I assume you like it, judging by your name?

Sitter med en fet grov lös i munnen just nu!
And moderators, I'm truly sorry but there's seriously no way to say that in english.
"Sitting with a fat thick lose in the mouth right now!"