How to ask them to stay

[Derek Des]

Hey guys,
I'm new here. Iraq veteran. Marine Corps 5 years. 2 deployments.
Struggled emotionally since my first tour in 2004. 2 failed marriages and on the verge of 3rd failed serious relationship.
Recently seen the VA to seek help. However, the damage has been done in my current relationship. I haven't even made it to the mental health department of the VA. I've only been seen by the social worker who is supposed bridge the gap while waiting for mental health to see me in two weeks.
My immediate struggle is finding the answer to this question: should I let her go?
It's been chaotic and destructive and it is taking a bad toll on her. She understands what I am going through. However, when I'm "triggered" it doesn't help if she understands or not. The damage is done and it affects her. She is scared of this relationship despite her deep love for me. I don't believe it is the end. I have faith in myself but I do slip up. How do I ask someone to continue to endure this? I love her with all I have. The triggers, the episodes, the pain, are tearing us apart. Her father wants her to leave immediately. I don't blame him. I just have these feelings that if I can beat this and overcome these struggles that I can be what she always saw in me. But, how do I ask her to stay knowing that only time will tell when the change in my mind has stuck well enough that these triggers and pain will be memories.
Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi welcome to you.

But, how do I ask her to stay knowing that only time will tell when the change in my mind has stuck well enough that these triggers and pain will be memories.

The thing is, I'm not sure they ever can be, entirely? But you can get much much better at recognizing them, managing them, and reducing the fall out (hopefully).

I think taking responsibilty for ourselves and not letting ourselves have excuses and working hard at one thing at a time can be helpful. And not taking our anger or emotions out on others.

I know, it sounds like a know-it-all :rolleyes: , but I sure don't mean it that way.

Others will have helpful advice. Lots of good people and info here and veterans.

 

[Derek Des]

Junebug,

That's the cruel side to these illnesses. You can be aware of these things and battle like hell to overcome them. Which I am doing, everyday. It often feels like russian roulette though. When is a trigger going to slip in? When is my guard going to drop?

I am a firm believer that once the human experience has been stretched it cannot regain its former shape. My focus is to channel that energy into productive behavior. The day in question was going so well. I was getting things done. Being proactive on every front. And then the trigger takes me by surprise. It quickly turns on you as you get sucked down the darknesses. It's like your watching yourself. Aware but uncontrollable.

It sucks.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes.

And hard to not beat yourself up about it after, or express what you are afraid might repeat/ promise not to without the control. Just for me, anyway. But truly, there can be much help and it can get much better.

Did you ask her what she wants to happen? And or conditions/ deal breakers for her?

Best wishes to you both.

 

[Tinyflame]

When is a trigger going to slip in? When is my guard going to drop?.. It quickly turns on you as you get sucked down the darknesses. It's like your watching yourself. Aware but uncontrollable.

You can find a way throiugh this, I believe. To be able to discriminate what to do about it just a wee bit sooner.. Practise, too.

 

[Derek Des]

Eh, It isn't so much about deal breakers is it is about her feeling secure and safe. Also, it is important she doesn't develop a form of PTSD. I realize that my behavior has been traumatic for her. So, it's a question of if can she take it and can I change before it is too late. We have been together for 5 years and I have only recently sought help within the last 3 months. I fear she may jump ship right before the storm passes. I truly believe I am on the right path, but this journey is rough when you feel you are waling on egg shells afraid of the next slip up

 

[Friday]

But, how do I ask her to stay knowing that only time will tell when the change in my mind has stuck well enough that these triggers and pain will be memories.

You just do. Straight up. No making her decisions for her, in pushing her away OR pushing her to stay. You lay it out, what you want, & let her decide what she's going to do. Sometimes? Ya just gotta stick your neck out.

Practical shit : If you're explosive like I was? Losing control means not just letting The Beast off of it's damn leash, but WTF is the leash??? Wake of destruction? Losing your bearing just the tip of the iceberg? You've gotta clear your back blast. Meaning ask her to stay AND go to her dad's... For awhile. Get yourself squared away, then regroup. Doesn't mean you can't see her, can't talk to her. Does get her outta harms way while you learn to sort this shit. Protects what you love best.

It's harder/easier when they're gone. Harder because when you're holding on by your fingertips, only managing self control at all because they're there? f*ck it, and going off the Rez entirely becomes... Not unavoidable, but far too easy to do. Easier, because you're not pouring all of your energy into cleaning up messes after the fact, but slowing shit down & learning how not to make the mess to begin with.

To that piece >>> The PTSD Cup Explanation

SemperFi

 

[Derek Des]

Appreciate those words Friday. I hear every word. Todays about dusting myself off.
"When life hits you, you gotta get up and say you hit like b***h!"

 

[LuckiLee]

@Derek Des, glad you found us. I have a feeling I'm gonna learn alot from you. My relationship mirrors yours.

Just be honest with her. And share what you can. Learn about this sh*t together. I hope she's doing her research too. One thing I wish my guy would do is when he feels the pressure building to tell me. He releases his emotions with words. I would loooooove it if he released it on a project. Exercise. Fishing. Eating. Sex. ;) etc.

@Friday is right. Just ask your girl if she's up for it. You've been together five years. I'm guessing she's seen what PTSD can do.

Good luck with everything. And welcome home!!

 

[Derek Des]

@leehalf The struggle is recognizing the pressure building up. Sometimes is can be a trigger. Which isn't a slow build up of stress. I have discovered through self examination that I am triggered by "attacks". Makes sense since all this was started by literal attacks. Mortars, rockets, and bombs, oh my! When I feel attacked by say a supervisor or spouse, it is essentially to my mind the same as having my life threatened by military means. Here comes the reaction: Survive! Attack! Respond! Fire and Move! It is difficult but I feel if someone is going to be committed to being in a relationship with this, they have to realize they have a responsibility to minimize triggers, especially during the time of healing and coping. We all have our agendas and it's hard to be unselfish all the time. There must be balance in any healthy relationship. Find a mutually understanding means of minimizing triggers without bottling your own feelings.
Combat related PTSD is the fear of losing your life or ant least not being in control of preserving it. That's the biggest struggle for me is a sense of control. Well, sorry to me, but life is very uncontrollable. Can't control the weather, the traffic, my fiancee's mood, etc... It is the person with PTSD's responsibility to keep their cup "clean". Do work. Handle your s**t. Don't procrastinate. Control and eliminate stresses that can be controlled and eliminated. Those that can't you must adapt to. Let bad stress be good stress. It's not life threatening. Repeat thaat! The sun will still rise. Approach stress as a challenge. Approach it confidently. And build confidence by the small decision every day to get things done. Be productive at work, check. Make money, pay bills, have fun, check. Love your kids, check. Love your spouse, check. Wash dishes, check. Fold clothes, check. Set aside quality time for your loved ones, check. CHECK YOUR MENTAL STATE AND HOLD YOUR THOUGHTS ACCOUNTABLE!!!! It is a lot but no one promised us a rose garden. If you've been handed s**t, turn into fertilizer and grow your own rose garden!

 

[Sighs]

Hi and welcome. Well done for recognising there is a problem and reaching out for help.

As the daughter of a combat vet and the partner of a combat vet, I want to challenge some of your thinking. I'm hoping that you will recognise this as constructive and helpful rather than an attack.

they have a responsibility to minimize triggers

This ^^^ is a huge problem. I'm not suggesting your loved ones should wander around banging doors and jumping out at you from the shadows but as soon as you make YOUR triggers someone else's responsibility there are going to be problems. Something as innocent as my posture can trigger my partner. No-one can eliminate all triggers. Trying to will exhaust your partner.

The trigger is not actually the problem in your relationship. It's how you react to the trigger. You haven't said what you actually do when triggered. Do you physically lash out? If so, then you need to make arrangements so that she is not physically at risk. If that means living apart while you work on things then that is what has to happen.

Please talk to your fellow veterans here or elsewhere. @Friday is a wealth of information.

Feel free to visit us over in the supporter section if you think that will be helpful. Also happy to talk to you by private message if you would like.

 

[Derek Des]

It's just my personal belief there are times when we all compromise for one another. Spouse had a bad day at work, maybe not the best time to approach them about how they forgot to do something. Pick your battles is all I mean. No my episodes just result in horrible mood swings, inability to communicate, inability to focus, avoidance of responsibilities and an internal anger. Which is a complete 180 from my personality under normal circumstances. I'm lively and energetic with a compassionate heart. That's me 9/10. But the tenth time is the destructive part. It creates inconsistencies within the relationship. I WANT to be able to and used to be able in the past to listen to my significant others' problems or handle stressful situations appropriately. It is very disheartening to her when I cannot provide comfort because I'm too far down the rabbit hole to help her. And it is frustrating for me as well. I know my potential. It is limited by my experiences. I know what needs to be done. It's the doing it and being consistent while providing my spouse the security and comfort she deserves simultaneously.

I posted this thread because I was in a cold lonely place and don't have many others to turn to. My family has always shunned me for my decision to enter the military and do not respect the experiences I went through. I've isolated myself socially as many people with this condition do.

I know I am on the right path. It is just the steps to get there that can be difficult at times. Can't remember his name but a motivational speaker once said the key to happiness is knowing that whatever you are experiencing today has the potential to turn you into what you were meant to become. I'm hurt, i'm angry, my life isn't what it probably could have been because of my experiences, however, just maybe, everything happened the way it was exactly supposed to so I can become the best version of me. I have to believe that.