Terrible therapy session

[Scarlet13]

Also, I have gained insight on my ocd intrusive thoughts. I get triggered by my little girl when I am helping her change. I was struck by how little she is, how vulnerable and trusting she is. She admires me and copies me.
It would be so easy to hurt her. I think this is so stressful on like a primitive level and my brain is just emitting fear thought bubbles in response to this position as a mother.
It is like when my son was a new born I can remember thinking clearly in a sleep deprived haze, "What if I just put him in the microwave?" (I was then horrified at myself).
My husband says every one gets these knee jerk inappropriate thoughts to varying degrees. He says its like how a person might be looking at a view over a cliff and then think, "jump!" and not even be suicidal.
The brain is weird.

 

[Muttly]

I think you are doing a lot of mind reading. You don't know what message your therapist was trying to give you. You don't know that your therapist think there's a possibility you could do that. As far as that one goes, you have her assurance she doesn't think you would do anything. You don't even know that your therapist has never had to deal with that sort of question herself.

You are also, it seems, black/white thinking. Your swinging from your therapist is either good at trauma therapy or bad. You can either trust her or you can't. One of the great, and rotten, things about working with a therapist over a long period of time is you get to work through them making mistakes. You get to deal with the uncomfortable feelings and fear and find out that in healthy relationships, you both talk through mistakes and gain better understanding of each other. For example, your therapist now knows something new about you. Several people have commented that the technique she used with you is good practice for obsessive thoughts. Now she knows that what she did, while it might be good for many, is *not* good for you.

I am wondering if all this anger at your therapist might really, underneath it all, be anger at something else? Part of trusting our therapists, means they become a safe target for anger, unlike past abusers.

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, thanks for the insights on my negative thought patterns/cognitive distortions. I honestly did not think I do black/white thinking but you are right, I am doing that. I don't know if there is any anger under currents here for something else.

 

[Cyberluddite]

Well, it just really felt like she thought I would really do it because the thoughts were so vivid, a...

What you are experiencing -- the emotional turmoil, the flashbacks, the pain, and the sense of betrayal -- is (in a difficult way) normal in the early stages of PTSD recovery. Your T isn't trying to convince you to harm your daughter, she's acknowledging what was done to you... and that you have the power to break the cycle. To recognize that you are stronger than your fears.

Secondary trauma is possible, where a survivor of child abuse is unintentionally triggered by their own child. Spouses and caregivers of veterans are at-risk of this as well, not just mothers and fathers. You are not crazy. You are not alone. And the fact that the very idea makes you physically ill is a good sign -- it means you're succeeding in walking away from what does not serve your highest needs.

It's a painful walk, and every step seems longer than the first. Sometimes the best healing comes from the words we hear ourselves speak, in response to the hardest questions we don't want to be asked. We cannot understand what we do not recognize, and we cannot defeat what we do not understand. Acknowledging our fears is the first step, and the hardest one, because we force ourselves to stop looking outside for guidance and start looking within. I understand that you trust your T, but in reality your T is asking you to trust yourself first.

When you've got nothing left to work with, that's when you can defeat almost any challenges you face in life. This is that time for you, @Scarlet13 . This is your moment to show your fears that they hold no power over you, that while your past is a part of you... you are not your past. Your T is acknowledging this, all of this, and that you needed to hear your own strength spoken by your own choice.

Your fears are afraid of you. Let that sink in for a moment: when the bogeyman starts checking under his bed every night, you're doing it right.

 

[Scarlet13]

What you are experiencing -- the emotional turmoil, the flashbacks, the pain, and the sense of bet...

Hi, thanks for your insights. I do not have any real urges or signs that I will be a child molester. But for some reason, my brain wants me to think about doing this, it is kind of like self torture that is automatic. These types of thoughts can get really surreal. So they are not really grounded in reality. Like I might ruminate and obsess over getting fired and my thoughts are not surreal with this but more realistic. So in the more real scenes in my brain a "worse case scenario/problem solving" technique works great.
But my molestation thoughts are thoughts of horror, pieces of nightmares, surreal and impossible that my brains knows will not actually happen and so feeds me these sick realities on purpose to torture me.
I don't really understand it.
So, this is why her, "What if this really happened, well you would get help." was truly awful because she basically solidified the night mare. It is of no comfort that I know that child molesters get help. If I did that I would kill myself.
This forum has helped me at least see that she was doing an acceptable technique and that I can hopefully repair this and work through it.
I did some research on child molesters (yep, triggering) and it helped draw the line between me and them. A mother who molests her own daughter has a severe personality disorder and might either minimize her acts or think there is no harm/shame in it at all.

 

[barefoot]

I still think that she was trying to give me the message that if I suddenly became a child molester then I would survive because I could get help.

I know how easy it is to get sucked into mind-reading, especially with a therapist, but you really don’t know what message she was trying to give you. FWIW - and I know I’m just mind-reading too here, so that’s probably really unhelpful! - I would suspect that it is more likely that her intention wasn’t to reassure you that if you were a child molester, you could get help, but to challenge your thinking/rumination/fears to reassure you that you are not capable of molesting a child. And, even though this has been very distressing for you, she seems to have succeeded on that front:

I agree with others this strategy has worked to clarify I am not a molester.

I am just trying to use good self care until I see her.

Great idea!

The brain is weird.

Yep, isn’t it just!

I hope your next session goes well and that you can work this through with her. I also agree with @Muttly - I too wonder whether the intense anger you feel towards your therapist at the moment is because anger about someone/something else has been triggered. Be really honest with her about how you’ve felt since last session, how you feel that your trust in her has been dented and about how angry you feel. And just see where that takes you when you’re back in the space with her. Wishing you the best for your session.

 

[Scarlet13]

I know how easy it is to get sucked into mind-reading, especially with a therapist, but you really don...

Yes, I am going to do that. I have been feeling a lot of rage and not sleeping well. I hate waiting to see her.

 

[Cyberluddite]

Hi, thanks for your insights. I do not have any real urges or signs that I will be a child molester....

Exactly. As long as you are aware of what's going on inside your head, you're doing just fine. :)

 

[Scarlet13]

So I just saw my T and we talked about all of this. She said that when it comes to OCD like intrusive thoughts that it can be helpful to really face your fears and so we looked at them. We talked about the pressures with being a teacher and a mother, how it effects me in terms of making me hypervigilent.
She said it was good to know that this technique got such a strong reaction and that it is good feedback for her. This very caring response made me cry and then I just love her.
I talked a lot about this forum and how much help I got. She was talking about my cognitive distortions and I was like, yep someone pointed that out to me here. Everybody was so helpful telling me to not get so angry at my T and perhaps my anger has deeper roots.
It does, I have had bad therapy in the past and I am just trying to protect myself.
She asked how can I use Wise Mind to respond to hypervigilence.
I don't know, that is another thread.

 

[Sideways]

Just, wow! I understood why you were angry, but to have emotions that were sooo strong, and be able to still go back to your T, have a level conversation about it, and come back reinvigorated and with a stronger relationship? That’s pretty much the perfect outcome. I’m so glad for you that you’be had an experience like that:)

 

[deeplyloved]

I'm amazed and inspired that you went back and talked to her! How wonderful to hear it went well.

 

[Muttly]

I am so happy to hear it went well. You must have done a great job expressing yourself and were definitely brave.