If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[ms spock]

Erik Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development I got stuck in Mistrust, Shame & Doubt, Guild, Role Confusion, Isolation and some Stagnation. I did do some okay stuff and some good stuff, but I was so dissociated, I had a feeling of being there/here. So I split up a bit, and I was dissociated, depersonalised and derealised. I kept getting used and abused, and manipulated, and treated so poorly. I didn't have a sense of being here in this now, or of existing in this time and space. So I had no sense of time, that things would past, I was just totally stuck in reexperiencing the traumas, over and over and over again. It was tricky to unpack.

 

[biaaw677]

Erik Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial...

Funny you should bring up Erik Erikson's work, during my own search for answers, I was reading a bit of one of his books yesterday. Came to the conclusion that maybe to explore what our authentic self is maybe we need the help of a Developmental Psychologist. Maybe this is your need too?

It is important that we recognise the limitations within a specific therapists qualifications, knowledge and training; you don't go to a cake shop when you need your car fixing, do you? My thinking is that as there are so few t's out there a with deep knowledge of CPTSD, we need to call on several t's who have relevant expertise in one area of our needs, and then we need to try ourselves to pull everything we learn from these various t's together. Ok, so we might have a few difficulties sifting through what really applies to us and what doesn't but what option is there when it is so hard to find a complex trauma t who can do the pulling together aspect for us?
https://www.psychologynoteshq.com/erikerikson/

 

[ms spock]

That is a really nuanced way of thinking @biaaw677. I am impressed that you can break it down like that, my problem is that my poor attachment is so strong on me I grasp for any type of support and then hold on, no matter who abusive those psychologists were to me. I like the way you break down the concepts and explain them. I will think of this today.

 

[ms spock]

If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma life is shit, and you have to keep going over the basics, and still not getting it, and it is worth it, but some days it really doesn't feel like it. There is such a multitude of issues that comes from this, it is almost too hard to explain. It sucks. The corrosive self doubt really sucks.

And it is like the training to be an Olympic Athlete you just have to work hard every day, and push, push, push, push yourself.

 

[ms spock]

I am reading "Daring Greatly How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love Parent and Lead" by Brene Brown.

I realise that I am an incredibly shy person, and I feel such immense shame. When I come into my body the shame is overwhelming, or the feelings of rape are really overwhelming, or the feelings of loneliess is really full on.

I find it hard not to dissociate. I have to feel my feelings in order to manage my life. I am highly avoidant about feeling feelings. I am scared of feeling. I am scared of being here.

I am an incredibly shy person, that I talk a lot to create a barrier, and eat to numb myself. I really am trying to stop that. I am trying to stop doing all the talking as a barrier, and the eating to numb myself. Anyway I want to drop the entertaining front. Which might not all be a front, but I have to not fill up the space so no one can hurt me or abuse me or shame me.

 

[ms spock]

I am practising more to be here. I am now building selves for all the different places that I have to/need to be. I am practising not to dissociate and/or comfort eat.

In order to manage being in the world, and I started to comfort eat and binge at a very young age.

I eat to numb myself.
I eat when I feel sad.
I eat when I am happy.
I eat when I am procrastinating.
I eat a lot when I am writing or doing a project, or doing a lot of work.
I eat when I finish something.
I eat when I am lonely.
I eat to not feel overwhelmed by people.
I really am trying to stop that.
I am trying to lessen doing all the talking as a barrier, and I am delaying the eating to numb myself.
I eat when I am bored.
I eat to reward myself.
I eat when I feel lonely and disconnected from the world.

Anyway I want to drop the my front/s. Which might not all be a front, but I have to not fill up the space, or numb myself so no one can hurt me or abuse me or shame me.

 

[mumstheword]

I just started using the ketones stuff and my eating compulsions are subsiding.

I too carry a huge amount of shame, eat for maladaptive reasons and can be very talky as a barrage and put up a front to hide my vulnerability.

Recognising it is half the battle.

Letting love in is also part of reordering a disordered being (that I am).
I think you are magnificent @Disco Dancing Queen . You are super smart, committed and incredibly honest and, I suspect, brave and determined.

We are shining the light of consciousness into our dark places, that alone starts to shift things.
You are not doing this by yourself. I struggling with some very similar issues and I am inspired by your candour. You are helping me recognise myself in your articulation of your struggles.
Thank you! You are helping me , by voicing this, more than you could know.

 

[ms spock]

That is very kind of you to say so @mumstheword that is why I write it all down, so maybe one person gets a bit of validation and a few sign posts along the way. I don't want what I have lived through, and learnt to be wasted. I want it there for other people, particularly the next generation.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I had several traumatic events throughout my life, the worst occurring around the age of 8 years old. Growing up I had a skewed view of what was normal, I was an only child and we moved too often for me to get close to anyone. It wasn't until I got older, high school years, that I discovered how messed up my life really was. When requesting therapy I was told to simply 'not think about it' and that it was 'all in my head'. I tried so hard to physically forget all of my memories that I ended up with details that I can now never forget. During this time I was pretty emotionally numb, I mostly only felt anger, and I was often verbally abused in which I would just dissociate so that I would only see me going through it instead of being in the thick of it.

But then I turned 18. I fell in love for the first time, I talked about my past, I opened up, and suddenly I became an unbearable mess. I felt emotions I had never felt before, and to this day (now 28), I still don't completely understand all of the emotions I feel. I experienced triggers, break downs, flashbacks, and nightmares. I couldn't dissociate myself out of situations anymore, and instead I began to drown in them. I got my heart broken for the first time and my symptoms got worse. I didn't think I could get better, and before long I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went from emotionally numb to an emotional disaster. I met my (now) husband and having his support was the only thing made feel like a normal person. I can't emphasize enough how substantial a support system is to recovery, and yes my support system was one person, and it took a really long time to let that person in, but it helped. With his help my point of view changed and I progressively seeked to learn more about myself. I am still learning about myself, but now I know who I am, and I like who I am, but things are still hard. They will always be hard. It will always be an uphill battle. I am in a very different place than I was then, and the hard work that it took for me to get where I am today lets me know that I am strong.

 

[ms spock]

I met my (now) husband and having his support was the only thing made feel like a normal person. I can't emphasize enough how substantial a support system is to recovery, and yes my support system was one person, and it took a really long time to let that person in, but it helped. With his help my point of view changed and I progressively seeked to learn more about myself. I am still learning about myself, but now I know who I am, and I like who I am, but things are still hard. They will always be hard. It will always be an uphill battle. I am in a very different place than I was then, and the hard work that it took for me to get where I am today lets me know that I am strong.

I am glad that you have support.

I accept that things will always be hard, it is what it is.

Great reframing on all the you did all this hard work, and that means you are strong, and you can keep up doing all the hard work, because you have already demonstrated to yourself that you can do the hard work. That is useful for me to reread today. Thanks.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah when you don't have the basics, it is challenging.

How can one person put so much time and energy in and make so little progress?

Like seriously I have been working my arse off, and I am struggling just to make it through this now.

I am really tired, and worn to a frazz.

 

[Finchlet2]

Hi Im very worn today been finding it hard to share but ignoring my physiological confusion is manifesting itself I physiological symptoms. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this thread because it helps explain shit that's been going down the last few years and hell yeah I do think trauma beginning in cognitive years., I experienced my first exorcism at five and had non consenting gang sex at seven.( they had been building up to it for six months) + time trauma continues for+ institutionalisation cos child having sex with four(number five was an in constant) goes mute what a f*cking crazy girl) +further trauma due to lifestyle after(sleeping on streets with no prior knowledge or experience of outside world after having spent ages 8-15 in the looney bin) +still not having the concept that anything that happened to me wasn't because I was the devil child so determined to earn my oxygen and for no one else to hurt like the worst pain ever-that's what I thought at the time so left UK swore to never come back set up project with no concept of safety got pregnant which still confuses me cos the put the ends of snooker cue x stick inside me after. I'm gonna have to stop there for now cos it's getting to intense but 28 is about to happen and I'm trying so hard now to find my way. There's so much more to say but tears to heavy and I should be studying lost screaming inside