Sexual Assault Trying to understand my girlfriends past

[Jenga]

Hello. I had been very close to my girlfriend for 4 months before we first kissed. The day after we first kissed she has just told me that she went to a party, got drunk, and slept with her ex. We is 4 months since we first kissed and we were extreamly close before i found out about this- in love.

I was ready to break up with her, however she told me that she has no feelings for her ex, and that she did not enjoy sex with him, but she just 'let it happen'.

3 years ago my girlfriend was attacked and badly beaten. Previous to this she woke up at a party and somebody was having sex with her. After she was attacked she was indescribably low- she could not make decisions for herself or be in the world. Her was friends with this man who helped her through it, and helped her not be scared anymore- This is her ex.

She tells me the relationship was bad. When she was doing well, he was nice to her, and she associated her life being good with him accepting her. That night she bumped into him on the street and they went for a drink, he was being nice to her and she felt a slight pull back into her past. She agreed to go back to a party with him but is adamint that she had not planned to sleep with him or anything. At 4am she said she was going to go home and he told her not to walk home so late. She thought about it and decided to stay so she would not have to walk home. She lay in the bed with him and tells me that even at this point she did not want to have sex with him. Then she says 'it just happened, I let it happen, I was not raped, I did not enjoy it, I wanted it to be over'.

This has bothered me because I cannot understand it. Im sure you can see im trying very hard to understand it, but without her past- maybe I will never understand it. My initial fear was that she just felt like having sex and was happy to sleep with someone at a party for pleasure, whilst I was messaging her that night and she decided not to respond all that much. Then I was concerned that she had a connection with her ex, but she tells me this was more about her than it was about him.

Can anybody shed some light on this for me please? I know it may come accross selfish that I am doing this, but I need to understand it and I dont want to push her into talking about it as i know it hurts her so much.

Many thanks!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don't know how to answer this because I feel like she made really poor choices. I am sure you want to hear that there is some "trauma reason" that she cheated on you, and it is very possible that she does lack boundaries because she has a trauma bond to him and also no self respect after the rape. However, from my own personal experiences of having been raped, I feel that it is possible to be commited to the one you love. Choosing to have drinks alone with your x (bad choice), go to party with x (bad choice), not respond to boyfriends messages (red flag), sleep with x (red flag). Sorry.

 

[Jenga]

It appears as though I messed up my first paragraph.

We were only friends for 4 months, but we were close. We then kissed one night, and the night after, she slept with him. She did not love me then.

4 months after we first kissed (now), she has told me about it. I am aware we were not boyfriend/girlfriend at the time, but it hurts to think that she was so loose sexually when she could have just messaged me. I thought there was a strong connection between us after those 4 months of friendship, but it appears as though it ment little to her

 

[Deleted member 37474]

It appears as though I messed up my first paragraph.

We were only friends for 4 months, but we were clos...

Oh. That makes more sense. I became less caring about protecting my sexual self after having been raped. Not quite "hyper-sexual" but boundaries were harder to follow due to fear, or the "what's it even matter." That changed for me once I was in a safe committed relationship.

 

[LanaD]

Oh. That makes more sense. I became less caring about protecting my sexual self after having been rap...

After I was assaulted I, too, didn't care about who I slept with. In fact, I sought a few men to sleep with, which I later realized was a sort of self-punishment for "letting" myself be assaulted. Also, when a man I was interested in was nice to me I'd sabotage that connection by making out or sleeping with some sleaze bag.

That said, Jenga, it sounds like your girlfriend needs therapy before she can be in a healthy relationship.

 

[Friday]

... but she tells me this was more about her than it was about him.

Smart chick.

I used to do something similar fairly frequently... When someone would get too close? I would "find" myself in these situations that let me nuke the relationship guilt free... IF I wanted to.

First kiss = sleep with an ex? Absolutely.

And 9:10 after sleeping with the ex, I'd tank the new relationship. Not to get back with my ex. I just needed an out. An excuse. A reason to blow someone off whom I really liked, or knew I could like. The 10th time? I'd sack up and commit to trying this thing. I didn't want to be f*cking around, or f*cking off, I wanted... Them.

Ditto... First kiss = no way in hell were you exclusive, yet. 4 months in? You guys are probably getting pretty serious, and went exclusive at least a few months back. Right about now is when I would give THEM an out. Just like I would give myself an out, in the beginng... Before I risked feeling to much. A reason to dump me, guilt free, if they wanted to. So they weren't sticking around out of pity or for lack of better options... And before they REALLY loved me, but were still in lust/infatuation with me / knowing my best-ish self. In some way I would semi-deliberately hurt them -or piss them off- to the degree they could leave... If they wanted to. Not entirely unselfish, this. But mostly motivated by not wanting to hurt them. A little hurt now, to avoid a lot of hurt later? Right up my alley. Sharing something that would be completely out of bounds NOW, aka it would hurt, but fairly normal back when, aka I'm not having to f*ck them over in the present in order to push them away? Smack dab out of my play book.

IF someone stuck around after that? I'd consider them full players. They chose to stay, even knowing that I'm not whatever sexGoddess-Madonna-imaginary-wonderful thing they had built up in their minds. I'm just me.

At which point? Honeymoon was over. This was pretty much the tipping point to where I got f*cking real. All the time. See if they liked that. If so? I'd probably do a disappearing act for awhile. Just because people actually liking me for me tends to freak me the hell out... And I need time to process that shit. Rapidly followed by disappearing act, MarkII, where I processed the idea of losing them. (And often lost them because of that, but I'd already grieved their death, so it wasn't as bad as it could be, but a few times the lunatics stuck around). Which would lead to the next phase of push-pull with Friday :facepalm:

Know how I know all this? (About myself). Because I did this... A lot.

My patterns? Are about me. I know what they are. It's very very very rare that I divert from them. And I pay attention to them. So I know what's me, and what's not. <<< That piece? Took some serious time to recognize, then sort, then learn to deal with in a way that f*cked other people over the least.

What/Why is your girl doing what SHE does? No idea. As people with PTSD, we're all different. Our patterns are different. Why we do what we do, and how we do it is different. But the accepting personal responsibility for what she's doing? THAT took me to nearly being mostly recovered/sorted to manage. That's not a step most people get to without a lot of work on themselves. Still a lot of work to go, though.

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, I'd just let it go.

I never understand people who think there is some sort of commitment owed before there is an actual conversation. I mean you kissed her, and then she slept with someone else. Were you assuming there was some sort of unspoken commitment? (There wasn't.) I'd just let it go. She made some bad choices, end of story. It had nothing to do with you.