Can cognitive distortions lead to coping through self diagnosis?

[NaeNae75]

So, my S/O and I both have PTSD.

Generally I manage to keep mine fairly under control and function fairly "normal" in day to day life. Occasionally when faced with a confrontation or too much stress, I go into "fight mode" For my S/O, under the same circumstances, he goes into "flight mode" and isolation.

So right now he's in isolation mode.

This is something that happens pretty regularly, so I'm used to it, but I'm confused about a couple of things. He has this tendency to not see anything for what it is and is very prone, (as are many of us - me included) of being susceptible to Cognitive distortions.

So, whereas I see a lot of this for what it is, skewed perceptions, he keeps wanting to self diagnosis himself with other non-PTSD things. This time he told my daughter that because he feels the need to help people sometimes so that he can play the victim/martyr, that he is co-dependent.

Well, to be codependent, doesn't the other person, i.e. me need to have some sort of under-functioning behavior or addiction? I don't know why, but him self diagnosing with this makes me feel that somehow he's looking for a "diagnosis" that can blame me, instead of seeing that what he is experiencing is classic PTSD stuff.....something he actually HAS been diagnosed with.

He's very symptomatic right now, and under a ton of stress, so it makes sense his PTSD is at play here. He set up an appointment with his T (through the VA) but she couldn't get him in for a few weeks. So he's trying to find groups, especially 12 step type groups to help him cope in the meantime. (He has diagnosed him self as a "sex addict" in the past and going through the program brought him some relief).

He truly does have addiction issues at times, cigarettes for sure, alcohol a lot of the time, his supposed sex addiction (of which I have never seen many symptoms of), caffeine, and sleeping pills.

So now he's trying to say he's codependent and is going to a CODA meeting next Saturday while his son is at his mother's.

I guess my question is does anyone else try to find other things "wrong" with them to soothe themselves? I'm not sure if going to these meetings and not seeing things for what they are sometimes is going to help or hurt. He says he's having dark thoughts because of feeling like everything is bad, and it's all his fault...but then says it's all my fault. He's a bit out of control, so I hope that this doesn't make things worse somehow.

I guess part of what hurts me is that when he says he wants to do things to have things to hold against me has somehow now become my fault (codependency) instead of him seeing he's just having cognitive distortions.

Does anyone else do this? Has it been helpful for you, or has it set you back? I just don't think self-diagnosis is very healthy when you're prone to tunnel vision per se.

 

[FragileGlass]

When the brain goes irrational there is usually a sense of relief in having an explanation or a locigial reason for the behaviour.

Does he have OCD or other compulsive behaviours? There seems to be desire to find rational or logical order. Something can't remain unexplained for him and there needs to be a reason for his behaviour it seems.

 

[NaeNae75]

He hasn't really exhibited any OCD or compulsive behaviors (that's me, lol) We've been together almost 8 years, so I'm sure I would have noticed any of that by now.
I don't know if having PTSD feels shameful to him, maybe? He had a hard time at first acknowledging his diagnosis. When one of his closest military buddies talked to him about it, it seemed easier for him to accept...but I think he still doesn't really accept it or finds it as "bad" somehow.
It's funny that he will research the crap out of stuff to self diagnose himself, but for something he does have (PTSD) he won't research or read up about it hardly at all. It's somewhat unusual behavior for him compared to most things. For whatever reason, he admits he has it (and is receiving disability through the VA for it) and even has a medical retirement from the military after 24 years of service, but will not see it in relation to our family life.
I'm not sure if he's trying to separate himself from it in his home life, like he tried to keep his military life away from his family life before as well...or what.
All I know is that this has become status quo. Him avoiding what he has and finding treatment for it, but searching for other answers instead. It's baffling.

 

[FragileGlass]

My apologies for the questions!

Is there something specific from his overseas deployment or is it just his overall time and service.

He is finding rationale in denial. It appears in order for him to accept the PTSD he has to face the consequences of something he was a part of or admit that he was part of it. He is avoiding it as much as he can.

I work in an environment that is prone to operational stress. While yes there are some specific events that affected me, the job overall currently is compounding additional damage due to the daily stress that any one or all events from my past can be triggered from only one current event. I go through denial phases frequently but don't try to rationalize with alternate diagnosis.

 

[Justmehere]

Diagnosing himself as codependent is not the same as diagnosing himself with a major mental health problem. I see no harm in it generally. It's not good to be co-dependent and it's not your fault either (even if he believes it is.)

Someone can be co-dependent and in co-dependent behaviors and respond co-dependently to relationship even if the other person has no addictions. Someone can be codependent in how they approach relationships even if all those around them are 100 percent healthy and have zero problems themselves.

I think it's great he's going to a CODA meeting. CODA, al-anon, and other similar 12 step programs are not at all about blaming or even focusing or talking about others. They are all about taking responsibility for your own actions and behaviors and how you respond to the world around you. They are focused on what the person is doing in their own life.

If he's blaming you for his co-dependency... uh, yeah, uh a twisted kind of way, that's actually kinda a little co-dependent (and screwy) to do. He's putting all his happiness and well being on you. Recovering from co-dependency will mean he starts taking responsibility for his own happiness and well being and boundaries and etc. and stops blaming you for his choices.

Based on what you have described in the past, you have actually done a lot to try to help him, and maybe he's recognizing it's time for him to help himself.

I'd see this as a good sign that he's trying to make some healthy changes even if he's not there yet.

Every person on planet earth has cognitive distortions from time to time. He no doubt struggles with all or nothing thinking and probably some blame shifting. You probably do see things more accurately than he does, especially with how high his symptoms are. That being said, be careful of assuming you always see it as it is. Everyone has biases and filters - no one person is truly objective about everything. I think you know that, but just throwing it out there as a reminder. :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Imho these are diversionary tactics, which I believe many if not most or all of us go through at some point. The tactics just manifest in different ways.

 

[NaeNae75]

My apologies for the questions!

Is there something specific from his overseas deployment or is i...

No apologies necessary! I asked, so I have zero problems with answering. In fact, I find it helpful to keep my mind as open as possible.

His PTSD is actually a culmination of many things over his military history, as well as from a past abusive relationship. Very recently, he also opened up to me about something that he was involved with as a child, and I don't think it sits well with him either. Honestly, there is a lot of stuff he won't bring up with me. I don't know if he think he's protecting me, or if it's that he doesn't want to face it.

Either way, I don't expect him to. But every time he does bring something up, I definitely handle the situation with decorum and love. He has admitted as such to me as well. I would never make him feel guilty for anything he has endured...he does that enough for the whole world already.

Thank you for your insight...it's an interesting perspective, and helpful.

Diagnosing himself as codependent is not the same as diagnosing himself with a major mental health p...

As always....very helpful! Thank you for this reply, it makes a lot of sense. I agree that almost everyone has distorted cognition from time to time...including me for sure! But I'm not as prone to the black/white nature that everything is ALWAYS anything. He really has a hard time not always blaming me then shifting to EVERYTHING is his fault, etc. I like to think we are both to blame for the bad and equally contribute to the good.
Honestly, most of the time our relationship is fairly symbiotic and loving. But when he gets into this "darkness", it consumes him, and I've had to learn to be careful not to let it consume me too. Because I'm too close to the situation, I know I don't see things completely in perspective.

This is why having you say something like, yep....a good thing even if it's not coming from the right place, is healthy for me to hear and admit to myself. I was just worried about him twisting it into another warped mindset...but hopefully the people there will help prevent him from doing so. But I still wish he would face the problems he should know are facts...not run away from it. But that's up to him to figure out really...

Imho these are diversionary tactics, which I believe many if not most or all of us go through at...

That makes a lot of sense, too. I really do think he's avoiding...but he's going to have to figure that out too. It's like I used to tell myself, you can try to run away from it, but everywhere you go...there you are... It did take a long time for me to realize that, and I've got almost 20 years on my diagnosis...so I forget sometimes that he hasn't...that really even though the signs were there, he wasn't officially diagnosed until about 2 years ago...yikes....how did I forget that?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I had a hard time with my diagnosis. I didn't want to have a mental health diagnosis, let alone several of them. It took me a long time to reconcile the fact I was still a worthwhile person even though I wasn't working. I am also a flight/freeze person. I take an hour a day and go in my room to work on art stuff or just read. It helps in the long run. It is hard to be a functioning human, and then a high-functioning human, which is less than a functioning human, then a non-functioning human. It is hard stuff. I also think it would be good for him to go to the meetings since it will give him a place he needs to be (accountability) and will learn more about personal responsibility, thus taking any blame if there is any, off others. I think you are really helpful towards him, since you've made many helpful posts here. My niece's name is Naenae, but I don't get to see her anymore because of my divorce.

Gosh, I forgot what I really wanted to post. This getting old is not for sissies. I used to have a friend who would read about things and have them. All the time. I don't know why she needed to have a diagnosis, but she did. When she found out I had PTSD, she told me I didn't have a mental illness, but then she got PTSD. She tried to trigger me all the time so I let go. I knew her for years - 40 - and she was an horribly abusive person that I didn't recognize until therapy. So others do it, but her nastiness was her own. Oh and every medical student and nursing student has whatever they are studying that week, lol.

 

[NaeNae75]

I had a hard time with my diagnosis. I didn't want to have a mental health diagnosis, let alone seve...

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It really sucks. It's so hard to get a handle on things.
Being more of a "fight" myself, I've learned it's a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I go to far. I'm much better ast it now, especially after years of T, meditating, and lots of reflecting.
But I have a lot of drive. Well until I don't... when I don't I've been known to collapse in a pile of confused exhaustion.
Thank you so much for saying some of my posts are helpful. That's what's so great about this site. Letting us share in a safe space really allows us to help others as we're helping ourselves. It makes me grateful for both sides.
I try to be as open minded as possible in our interactions, but I'm still only human...I can be a first class a-hole once in a while too.
I hope you find some of the answers you're liking for too.... and you are not your diagnosis.... you're so much more than that.

Gosh, I forgot what I really wanted to post. This getting old is not for sissies. I used to have a f...

Lol! So true isn't it? Literally everything in this reply! This you, makes a ton of sense

 

[The Albatross]

Can cognitive distortions lead to coping through self diagnosis? Um perhaps but far better to do the work and be more effective working to eliminate distortions and deal with the diagnosis's at hand unless or until something else reveals itself. But I will admit I haven't yet read the opening post. Just the title is the reason for my response so far.