General Carers Co-Dependency Information

[Nicolette]

Due to this topic coming up hand in hand with enabling behaviour and questions being asked I have started the ball rolling with some information...........

From Wikipedia

Codependency or Codependence describes a pattern of detrimental behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship, most commonly a relationship with an alcohol or drug abuser.[1] In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the addiction or pathological condition of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery. This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior, or by blunting negative consequences. These actions are described as enabling.

Codependence is not listed in the DSM IV, and critics have suggested that codependency as commonly defined is not a mental disorder.[2] Others describe codependency as a psychological disease.[3]

Symptoms

Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over their inability to improve their situation.

* tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own
* continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others
* anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation
* difficulty expressing feelings
* excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings
* undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others
* self-esteem dependent on approval by others
* tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others

I also found the following information from All About Life Challenges (allaboutlifechallenges.org)

Codependent people are often from households with members who are involved in destructive behaviors such as alcoholism or drug addiction. They may have family members or loved ones who are mentally ill or chronically sick. The co-dependent person may be a spouse, parent, or care giver. They have been faced with the unhealthy behavior of the family member, and in an attempt to deal with it, have themselves developed unhealthy habits and behavior patterns.

Are you happier or more gratified when you are doing for others than when you do for yourself? Do you feel guilty spending time, money, or resources on your own projects instead of devoting time to others' needs? Do you take on the problems and cares of others with vigor and become stressed if you cannot solve their problems? Are you annoyed and angry if people don't give you the thanks and accolades you secretly feel you deserve for all the good things you have done for them? If you answer "yes" to these questions, you may be in a codependent relationship.

People who are codependent, thrive on the weaknesses and needs of others. They take unrealistic responsibility for the actions of others, always feeling they can somehow manipulate the person or situation and bring about a positive change. A woman living with a physically or verbally abusive spouse may feel that if she can only be good enough and just do better maybe her husband will treat her differently. Her husband is not being held accountable for his negative behavior as the wife attempts to do better; therefore the situation is perpetuated and help is not sought.

Codependents may appear to, or even fool themselves into thinking that they are loving and kind and giving. However, they seek out or "enjoy" relationships with "victims" as these kinds of relationships help them to feel good about themselves. Their acts of kindness are a means of control and manipulation. They exert enormous amounts of energy trying to "help" the victim; if the victim gets better, it does not really meet their aim. They need to feel "needed" and useful thus enabling the victim to remain in their unhealthy situation. Most codependent people gain their sense of self worth from their relationship to the needy person or abusive relative. They feel magnanimous by lavishing all of their time and attention on the other person, never looking at or filling the hole in their personality.

Codependent people have difficulty saying no. They do and give even when it is irresponsible to do so. Do you have a child or loved-one who abuses drugs or alcohol and you realize that their request for funds is only going to be used towards financing their bad habit? Is it impossible for you to turn the person down because you just want to be kind and maybe your kindness will make them feel better? This is a common symptom of the perpetual cycle of codependency and enabling.

 

[Nicolette]

More Than Two People Involved In A Co-Dependent Relationship

While researching I also found this which is very interesting....

By Robert Burney

"We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional.

When someone "pushes your buttons," he/she is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy. She/he is gouging the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on top of those original wounds by our repeating behavior patterns."

"We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will 'push our buttons.'"

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


As long as we have not healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room - but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds. Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now. When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.

The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are trying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.

What is normal and natural in romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needy and clinging - which causes the other person to pull away - which causes the first person to cling more - which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves - which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again.

"Wait a minute!" you are probably saying if you read my last article in this series (codependent & counterdependent behaviors), "you said at the end of your last article, that both the codependent and counterdependent types of behavior were reactions to fear of abandonment."

That is true. The codependent type of behavior is an attempt to overcome the core belief that we are unworthy and unlovable by working real hard to earn love from another. The more a classic codependent feels they are being abandoned the harder they work.

The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.) So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)

Both types of behavior are dysfunctional and self defeating. Codependents are drawn to people who will abandon them (this abandonment does not have to be physical - it can be emotional so that the relationship continues but the codependent person has to settle for crumbs instead of truly getting their needs met.) Counterdependents let down their guard once every 5 years or so and let in someone who will perfectly betray and abandon them in order to prove that they were right in the first place to not open up to people.

It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood. A big part of this process is awakening to the reality that it is not our fault that our relationships haven't worked out. We were set up to fail to get our needs met in relationships by the unhealthy environments we grew up in, by the dysfunctional and dishonest definitions and role modeling that we experienced. We were powerless to do things any differently than we did them until we started to examine our patterns and discover the ways in which our childhood experiences have been running our lives.

One of the most important steps in learning what Love really is - in starting to Love ourselves in healthy ways - is to start working on forgiving ourselves for being little kids who were wounded by being raised by people who were wounded when they were little kids.

 

[SupportinVA]

Wow... After reading that it seems as though I am a codependant type of person. Once I have health insurance I fully intend on getting my own therapist to work on my issues. Is there anything I can do in the mean time? Are there other carers who feel the same? How do I help my GF without being codependant?

 

[Pam]

The childhood wounding part goes a little beyond the pail for me. Not everyone was wounded in their childhood. If you were, for sure it could be difficult to overcome that. But biologically, the vast majority of children and babies are genetically predisposed to survive by any means. Kittens raised by a dog will grow up to be typical cats. They will readily bond with whatever furry milk filled belly will have them. Dogs that will raise kittens are another thing entirely but I am just talking about babies and children here. We are also predisposed to successfully grow into adults under a very wide variety of parenting styles, from cuddly warm to strict, and will not be unduly negatively affected by it.

Basically, in the animal kingdom, offspring really don't care a whole lot who raises them as long as somebody does, and they don't care how good they are at it, as long as it is within reason. They are wired to survive. Parents are more willing to raise just their own offspring. They are wired to perpetuate their own genes. This is not a bad or good thing. It is a natural thing.

I know of people who because of their childhood trauma alone or because of their tender personality and childhood trauma combined, do not do well as adults. I also know of folks who have experienced similar trauma but apparently were robust against it.

So I don't think it is true that "everyone walks around wounded from childhood". However those that are certainly need compassion.

 

[Nicolette]

If you were, for sure it could be difficult to overcome that. But biologically, the vast majority of children and babies are genetically predisposed to survive by any means.

This touched a raw nerve for me as there is a big difference between surviving and living life!

 

[Deleted member 541]

I too wasn't thrilled with that statement either. But, I guess if you haven't gone through abuse, neglect, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, then you really don't understand on the level that we do.....

Childhood trauma completely alters you, your way of life, your soul, your adulthood, it robs you of a lot!!!!!!

 

[Nicolette]

We are also predisposed to successfully grow into adults under a very wide variety of parenting styles, from cuddly warm to strict, and will not be unduly negatively affected by it.

While I agree that Robert Burney may have over generalised that "all" children carry childhood issues I don't agree with your comment above either. My sister is suicidal due to what happened to her in her childhood which led her on a path of self loathing and destruction as an adult. There is a big difference between cuddly and strict parenting styles and downright abusive. Members on this forum have PTSD due to what their parents have done to them under the umbrella of parenting.

As a member of the animal kingdom as you put it - given the choice again, would I care who brought me up - hell yes!!!!! And as for within reason - who defines that?!

I went through similar abuse to my sister yet I am not suicidal but do I carry around the wounding which is reflected in some of my life choices. There are things which happen in every day life that 'trigger' what happened to me as a child. Without that childhood parenting I would not have the reactions I do. The difference between my sister and I; she just overloaded before I did and perhaps I am mentally stronger (robust) or was it that I got out of that environment and she didn't?! That also means that, while the outside world doesn't see everything, I do suffer in ways that I can hide so not all is what it always seems. :rolleyes:

Pam IMHO you are also generalising. I personally find that I am having a bad reaction to what you have written based on my own experiences.

 

[Pam]

My sister, by the way, would react exactly as you have. She is the one seriously affected by her childhood experiences. I seem to have not been, yet we are only 1 year and two months apart. She is globally affected by the early trauma of our childhood. To her, it feels like everyone should be equally affected by what she experienced and she gets emotional when she considers that maybe not everyone would be affected to the same degree. It somehow makes her feel at least partly at fault, or less normal, or that I am thinking the trauma was not that bad, since I am not globally affected. That said, I am left to wonder why she was and is so affected, and I was and am not. Might there be predisposing factors? Would these factors be only in a minority of people?

 

[anthony]

I have removed four posts from this thread. Please keep the thread on topic and please respect one another's opinions as opinions.

 

[Shoka]

Since this topic is about resources regarding Codependency and as a recovering Codependent, I would like to offer the following books as an excellent source of guidance on the topic of Codependency:

Melody Beattie's Books:
"Codependent No More", and "Beyond Codependency"
Also she has 'daily reflection' books which are part of the Hazeldon Series entitled "The Language of Letting Go".

I can't speak for other countries, but in the USA, there are 12-Step "Coda" meetings that people can attend if they feel they may have codependency issues for any reason. Simply google "Coda" and you should be able to find meetings in your area.
As the group says, the only requirement to attend the meeting is the desire to have healthy relationships. In my experience, these meetings are well run, and people's anonimity are always a priority.

I have posted these resources because they have helped me tremendously in my life. They may or may not be valuable to the next person, but I would be remiss not to share the resources.

Shoka

 

[Farine]

Vulnerability is required and my life took a harsh turn last week. IT should have been fun. Going as a parent on my daughter's field trip sounded lovely. They were going to the Los Angeles Observatory to see the planetarium and do a lot of 'science stuff'. I used to work in a planetarium for ten years as a show operator. I was looking forward to seeing what a big city planetarium looked like compared to what I remembered. The codependency part for me was after I got back home. I was /am triggered by the experience. I needed help from my daughter. This really set off alarm bells in me because I KNOW that I need to manage my emotions, my emotional state myself. it's a good thing that my inlaws wanted to have the girls for the weekend so I can have some time to figure out what I am going to do before they return.

Codependency for me is outsourcing self-care. It's also accepting inappropriate 'self-care' requests from others. Managing emotional states tops the list. I am very good at it. Doesn't mean that I should walk around as the human lightning rod. There was this interesting conversation that I had with a friend. We were eating junk food. In this case, chilli hot dogs. Conversationally, he turned to me and said, "We're most likely chopping two days off of our life span with those hotdogs.' I thought about that and some of my stress habits. I didn't want to eat another chilli hotdog for a long time. And if I could just have some kind of measurement for the damage I do to my inner working parts by absorbing negativity from others, I probably could separate myself easier from some of these awful habits!In the meantime, I'm going to take the opportunity to be good to myself while I figure out what I've learned from being so affected by the planetarium. God bless ya in your journeys towards wholeness!

 

[hopelives]

After reading this I too am co dependent on my husband. I spent 3 hours trying to convince him to get help on the weekend. Now he says I have pushed him over the edge. I know I shouldn't have nagged or tried. But really what are you to do when you love someone and they just wont change. I dont feel like I can breathe if he isn't with me. It is pretty obvious that he doesn't not care for me or love me the same and he regrets being married to me he said last night.

What do you do to stop being co dependent?