Childhood How do i let myself remember?

[Memories]

I keep having the same body memory every day. I keep feeling it happening to me and getting horrible headaches every day. I know exactly what happened. I remember how old I was and where I lived and the person who do it. I just don’t have the picture memory. I remember events that have to do with this and they explain what happened to me. Also the things that bother me since I was a child explain everything. Does anyone know any tips on remembering repressed memories? Or do you know any advice on how to stop body memories or make them happen less often? I’ve been having them non stop for months, and I can’t deal with it anymore. Also, I have no money to see a therapist or psychiatrist, so that’s out of the question. Someone please give me advice. I’m desperate for advice and have no one to talk to

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Some survivors of childhood abuse have no picture memories of what happened. They have the body memories and other symptoms and missing time and that's it. Sometimes I wish that was true for me. Some of my pictures have been frightening and unsettling. Not having pictures doesn't make what happened to you any less real and true.

They are no tips for remembering repressed memories. I found mine came after certain events in my life. One such event was moving away from my family of origin. It signaled to me that I was safer. The other event was my mother dying. She was a narcissist and super controlling about every aspect of my childhood and wanted to keep family secrets.

My body memories were most prevalent when I had many alters, parts of me, who held different portions of the memory. As soon as I dealt with a memory the body memories would dissipate. Integration of my many alters also helped with the body memories.

Another aspect of remembering is feeling safe and having support. I know some survivors have healed without therapy yet most need someone they can put their trust in, someone who will believe them no matter how weird their memories are, and someone who will be there when they're going through tough times. On this forum we can do some of that, but—and it's a big but—we're not therapists. We're fellow survivors working through our own memories and PTSD.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's generally not a good idea to try and force memories out as this can cause destabilization. Your mind will release memories over time, oftentimes when it sees fit, ie you are in a safe place.

 

[Rumors]

There are books that can help explain and possibly make some sense of these things. The Body Keeps the Score is one that I think would help. Another, and just guessing at what is going on with you, is The Courage to Heal... Hang in there!

 

[Deleted member 8714]

The Body Keeps the Score...and...The Courage to Heal

I highly recommend those two books. I read extensively and researched my abuse to understand what happened to me.

 

[mindys1550]

I have lots of body memories but no picture memories. My therapist would tell me that if I was emotionally able to remember then I would but it never happened. That either means I am not ready to remember or that I was so little that the feelings exist more than picture memories. I finally realized remembering doesn't really matter because I am sure that I was sexually abused and not being able to see it does not make it less real. I still get body memories but not so often and they are easier to deal with. You are probably trying so hard that even if you wanted to see it, you couldn't but it is real with or without pictures.

 

[Guest]

Thanks to everyone for replying to my post

 

[Livingston]

I keep having the same body memory every day. I keep feeling it happening to me and getting horrible headaches every...

I don't know how to remember either. I am not even sure if I want to remember. I was very, very young....maybe 3. My memories are flashes of sound , what was said to me. I have flashes that are like pictures or photos, but no movies. It scares me, but I don't think remembering more would actually be any better. I don't know. It has been worse lately, so much worse. No one knows. I've never told a single soul...until right now. I don't think I could find the words.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I repressed all of my sexual abuse except for when I was a teenager and took those memories with me into EMDR and no longer haunted and tormented by those memories.

When memories are repressed they are repressed for a reason. I never want to have those memories. My sister has the memories and my heart goes out to her for the way the memories torment her still.

It is a safety thing.

 

[Skier Anonymous]

I suppressed my sexual abuse for 17 years and as a pro big mountain skier, I ended up talking it al out on myself, resulting in five surgeries and the loss of a skiing career that I worked all my life for. Not that all PTSD are out there bouncing themselves off mountains, but I do think there is something to be said for the personal cost of repressing. I suppressed my trauma for a long time like you have, I didn't want anyone on Earth knowing what happened to me, and I won't say it was necessarily healthy for me to do that but I'm glad I did everything I could to keep anyone from hurting from that experience. I will say tho, if you're like me at all, there comes a time when you need to be your strongest and admit that you have an experience, or experiences, holding you back and you get sick of it holding you back. Then you become the person you want to be by facing the experience, accepting it, and moving forward with positivity and love. Always stay safe and don't ever be afraid to ask for help, help is always there!