I don't know how to "do" relationships

[Freida]

Still struggling with what is a normal relationship problem and what is an abort, abort, abort! problem.

How about this...?? Write down 5 things that are absolute deal breakers for you. Things you simply will not tolerate in your life. Then write down 5 things that you want in your life that another person could provide. Take those 10 things and look at your relationship. Which parts of your relationship are on which list?

 

[Worried Girlfriend]

It's been very interesting to read all these comments.
It gave me a whole new prospective on PTSD relationships.
I am on the other side tho........ Loving someone with PTSD.

Good luck!!
XXXXX

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I don't have a set of succinct rules to follow that make the whole relationship scene easier, but I did have a friend recommend a book called The Five Love Languages that really opened my eyes and heart to how differently we each communicate our love.

Here's a 5 minute animated video summary:
The 5 Love Languages in 5 Minutes - Gary Chapman ► Animated Book Summary

It also helped me realize if we can't translate and innerstand our own "love language" style, we have even less of a chance translating and healthily or fully receiving that of another.

I've been with what feels to me as being quite an extraordinary, kind, loving, and generous man for the last 15 years, yet I've felt the notion to run like hell multiple times as a result of old emotions taking over my thought processes rather than an actual red alert moment of needing to abort the relationship for my own well-being. I'm so f'n glad I didn't listen to those notions.

I love what @deeplyloved shared as it rings so true with how me and the hubby manage to co-exist together, but that in no way means it's all "easy" nor did it come naturally, so to speak.....it requires conscious daily effort:
My husband drives me crazy and annoys me...and makes me laugh and challenges me and takes amazing care of me. We annoy one another and adore one another. It’s both. We never intentionally hurt one another. We always work things out and repair mistakes. I do believe love heals and there are people who can love every broken and bothersome part of us.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm sorry, I have not read any further replies (but I do appreciate them).

I'm in a bit of a freak out mode as we talked this morning and he said that he is not comfortable around me right now.

I am staying with him until the 19th.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid it's.... I'm just f*cking afraid. Of course my mind is spiraling. Of course I want people in my life, I want relationships. But I don't know if I can handle the heartache given how my mind and body react to stress. (I want to throw up.)

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington I'm so sorry....:(

 

[EveHarrington]

I met him for lunch and things were a little bit better. I could tell he was still a bit distant. He had therapy right after lunch and he said it went well. Right now I want to kiss his therapist, because whatever happened in that session was enough to put his mind at ease. I know my mind was catastrophising a bit, but part of why he loves me is that he has never felt as comfortable around anyone else....ever. He's the kind of guy who won't ever talk with anyone on the phone for more than 5 minutes, but with me, we have days where we are easily on the phone for 5+ hours. So when he dropped the "I don't feel comfortable around you" thing on me, I was REALLY worried. As in "f*ck, this could break us" worried.

Things seem to be ok now. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. It doesn't help that I have lots of family drama going on and ptsd symptoms spiking left and right!

 

[Buttercup]

Eve, from everything I have read from you about this guy he sounds like a dream. And i know you know that and really like, if not love, him. Do what you can to not push him away. You have your fears for sure, just pull down deep and do what you can. I'm rooting for you!

 

[Freida]

Things seem to be ok now. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

yep - and that's all you can do in any relationship. But I'm happy to hear its going well!

 

[EveHarrington]

My biggest lingering relationship problem I have is the way my husband eats cereal. I found this out wh...

Please let me know where I said I wanted to keep this relationship light/non-serious. This is not the truth. I will edit it out. (I can't find it.)

No expectations? What is the point of even having a relationship if I can't even expect the basics like honesty and for someone to simply give a damn about me? I might as well be alone. I can count on myself.

How about this...?? Write down 5 things that are absolute deal breakers for you. Things you simply wi...

I feel selfish wanting or expecting anything from anyone. I can't even ask for the simplest, most basic things in life.

I don't have a set of succinct rules to follow that make the whole relationship scene easier,...

We did this on day 5-ish. Or about then. We know each other's love languages. We also know each other's personality type and differ by only one letter. (I'm an S while he is an N.)

 

[Freida]

I feel selfish wanting or expecting anything from anyone.

Isn't that one of the criterias for ptsd? Feeling you aren't worthy of love?I

Try this. It's ass backwards psychology but it some times works to get me out of my own way when I'm debating the risks of letting people in. Take yourself out of the picture and look at him

Does he deserve to be discounted? Has he done something that means he should be kicked to the curb? Is there something wrong with him that he isn't worthy of offering you love....even if you think you dont deserve it? is it fair to him when say you can't count on him without ever giving him a chance?

 

[EveHarrington]

Isn't that one of the criterias for ptsd? Feeling you aren't worthy of love?I

Try this. It's ass back...

I don't understand how I'm discounting him? To me it feels more like I'm saving him from a life of hell. How can I love somebody yet drag them into this? He hasn't done anything to deserve being kicked to the curb. There is nothing wrong with him. I just can't handle it when someone is uncomfortable around me.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Please let me know where I said I wanted to keep this relationship light/non-serious. This is not...

I think I misinterpreted what you were saying in your first post.

About expectations. We all have them. The relationships that breakdown are due to "unmet" expectations. For example, I expect not to be abused in a relationship. If I am abused, it is an "unmet" expectation, therefore that relationship won't work out.