Sexual Assault Realizing rape was planned

[Deleted member 37474]

Of course she was. Every guy that knew which happened to be every guy thought she was open game. She g...

Why does this sting you? It makes sense to me. She wanted to feel like it wasn’t rape and that he loved her. Admitting to yourself that you were raped is very hard to accept. There are so many layers to those feelings.

 

[Hooper]

Why does this sting you? It makes sense to me. She wanted to feel like it wasn’t rape and that he lo...

Why would it not sting on an emotional level? Intellectually I get it. We've both had 4 significant relationships or 3 excluding each other. I never thought he would have been one but he was. I didn't know that until recently. There's more to it than just the rape. He raped her and cheated on her that same night. I can't imagine going back to that especially after he made it public. I'm just at a loss.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Why would it not sting on an emotional level? Intellectually I get it. We've both had 4 significant re...

I guess what I am getting at, is why does it sting you? It almost sounds as though you are upset with her for her decisions. I don’t get hurt by any decisions my husband made in his previous relationships. He isn’t hurt by my past, and I was raped. I mean, yeah, he feels bad for me and I haven’t shared too many details, but I feel like you are personalizing your wife’s experience. I even feel like you are hurt by her decision to be with him post rape. It isn’t safe or healthy but it makes perfect sense to me why she went back and I don’t hold it against her. Rape warps our thinking. She probably felt in doing that she was making the rape no longer exist. It had nothing to do with you. This is her past. You are her present.

 

[deeplyloved]

Yes...we stay...we go back... I thought I deserved it. I thought something in me made him do it. I thought he loved me and I so desperately needed to be loved.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

When I thought I was pregnant a month later, mine told me that if it were the case, he would marry me. He believes in family. In my mind, it somehow felt like he did love and care for me. It was like the months before when he was my friend. He was lying. It was really just a ploy to get me to sleep with him in his room so that his roommate could be a witness to “consensual” sex. And this was followed by harrassment from the roommate. It is really hard not to hate myself for this.

 

[deeplyloved]

He was a master manipulator, TexCat. It was not your fault.

 

[Hooper]

I guess what I am getting at, is why does it sting you? It almost sounds as though you are upset with her for her decisions.

When someone hurts the person you love most it stings. My anger is towards her rapist as well as her mother for allowing her 13 year old daughter date not just a 16 year old but a 16 year old that was in her same grade.

I don’t get hurt by any decisions my husband made in his previous relationships. He isn’t hurt by my past, and I was raped. I mean, yeah, he feels bad for me and I haven’t shared too many details, but I feel like you are personalizing your wife’s experience. I even feel like you are hurt by her decision to be with him post rape. It isn’t safe or healthy but it makes perfect sense to me why she went back and I don’t hold it against her.

There is a big difference between myself and your husband. I know the details of my wife's rape. It bothered me so bad I slept maybe 2-3 hours a day for several weeks. If I could go back in time I would do 2 things differently. I would never have asked what exactly happened and I would have never sought out her rapist's identity. Both of those were big mistakes. You may be right on personalizing it. I had a close call at 14 or so with a 50 year old man. I got away. She didn't nor could she. I can't comprehend raping someone or if I were going back to him especially if he cheated on me the same night. Whether that was a rape as well I don't know. Again I understand it but of all the ways to handle it this one is just tough but it is what she needed to do.

Rape warps our thinking.

So does the person you love most being raped.

She probably felt in doing that she was making the rape no longer exist. It had nothing to do with you. This is her past. You are her present.

You are correct that going back was an effort to make it no longer exist. It worked until it did not. I know it had nothing to do with me. I know it is her past and I am her present. I also know our past colors our present. She has told me as much the night I asked what "exactly" happened. If I could give any advice don't ever answer that question or ask it.

 

[deeplyloved]

I think you are right about knowing details, Hooper. I tell my husband the barest of the bare minimum. He is my protector and I know he struggles with any reminders of his limits in that capacity. He would do anything to fix everything for me. I’m struggling now with the decision whether to tell my husband about an additional early childhood assault... Only because it is affecting my reactions to a situation in our neighborhood and basically overloading my coping capacity. I honestly don’t feel like he needs to know and don’t think it would change anything. He already does his best to shield me from unnecessary stress. He’s already patient and gentle and kind.

My worry is just that, in neighborhood discussions and meetings about this situation, I could see myself getting triggered and upset and accidentally blurting it out. I know he would be hurt to have me share something with other people without being able to share it with him. I mean besides my therapist and our pastor, of course.

I think knowing about it would hurt him. Knowing I’ve never before felt safe talking about it would be confusing for him. I did tell him, on a day when I felt particularly upset and triggered, I “had a run in with a pack of neighborhood boys when I was little.” So maybe that is enough and I can trust myself to either avoid or control outbursts with other people. He knows about my other abusers and the general scope. But there’s just no need for him to have to carry the details of any of it around.

I would be upset if he was ruminating about any of it though...because that would limit his capacity to be present with me. I need him now in the present. I need his love and support now in the present. He’s not responsible for the violence I experienced before I met him. That cannot be undone. What we can each do now is build a healing, loving, gentle marriage together.

I hope you can find peace with your hurt and anger. Your feelings are not wrong. It’s clear you love your wife. I’m sure she chose you as her life partner for very good reasons. Remember that love heals like nothing else can. Try to channel your anger and hurt into giving your wife all the love she deserves now, in the present. Have you read any of Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk’s research on trauma? Or about Reverend Rebecca Stevens work with women survivors of trafficking. Perhaps they might inspire you with practical ideas of how powerfully healing your love for your wife can be...you can surround her with beauty and tenderness and safety.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I think you are right about knowing details, Hooper. I tell my husband the barest of the bare minim...

I agree with Hooper and deeplyloved about sharing minimal details. I made the mistake last night of mentioning a particularly unsavory detail of my rape. I had just had a 2-hour session with my T so I guess I was feeling talkative when I got home. Well, I thought I already had told him that part. He's a very stoic person and hasn't outwardly reacted much to any of this, although he is still supportive. But when he heard this part he told me how horrible he thought it was. Then he surprised me by getting "revengy", saying how he needs to pay, etc.. and then started thinking of ways to get even. I wasn't expecting that and although I appreciated the support (and on one level enjoyed hearing these revenge plots), I immediately felt I had made a mistake by saying anything about that. It's hard though. He's my best friend but I don't want to put him through any more of this crap. I think because he's usually so stoic and calm I just didn't think he'd have that much of a reaction. I just didn't think at all really. :( So yeah, I definitely agree with you there. The fewer details the better.

Deeplyloved, great advice about channeling all the anger and hurt into love. Love is the best. Just a hug from him calms me right down. :)

 

[Hooper]

In my case my wife is the stoic one. She went with minimal details in the beginning but even that was distressing because at the time it was an 8-9 year old wound. The night I asked for details was a normal night for just about any married couple. I wanted to have sex and she did not. I wasn't happy about it and she asked what was wrong so I told her I want to/you don't and I'm not going to be like the pos that raped you. She clarified that I wasn't which was when I made the mistake about asking for details. I get so sick of hearing about rape not being about sex. It's about power. You can not separate the sexual component to rape or by definition it is not rape. Power may have a part but to say it has nothing to do with sex is a crock. It is very difficult to have a higher sex drive than your spouse especially if sexual abuse is involved. I wish I could turn it off like a switch but I can not. I can take no for an answer but I can't not want to have sex. There's some self loathing mixed in with it that wouldn't be were her history different. As for revenge I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd prefer justice but I've said it before there is no justice when it comes to rape. Barely 1/2% of the accused do time. I'd like to think the world is turning a corner with the current movement of outing predators but I doubt any will do time. They have too much money and power. The crazy part is you need neither to get away with it. I'm afraid the current movement will be nothing more than a fad.

 

[hymnless]

In my case my wife is the stoic one. She went with minimal details in the beginning but even that was d...

I think it's important in this situation to not only divide out sex and power but also sex and rape. This is something that I've struggled a lot to understand. While the initial purpose behind the rape was likely sexual gratification, the actual gratification that he got was through power. Also your wife wasn't having sex with him- she was being raped by him. So yes, mechanically those things look the same but they don't feel or mean the same thing to either person. I know it's really difficult to separate those things out, but that's made it a little easier for me to understand.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I think it's important in this situation to not only divide out sex and power but also sex and rape....

I agree. I actually think that the worst parts of my experience have very little to do with the physical component of what happened.