Sexual Assault Realizing rape was planned

[Sideways]

I can’t get my head around it. And that shocks me, but I’m kind of okay with not being able to comprehend the level of depravity it takes to plan and prepare a sexual assault.

You’d think that being abused like that would make you understand pretty clearly that humans really can be that evil. But that still doesn’t compute for me. When I think about where a person must be in their head to plan something like that, I literally end up just confused about how that’s possible. How does a think that way?

But, that’s because I could never do it myself. I could never plan and carry out something like that for no other reason than it might be a good time. And the fact I don’t operate like that? That I can’t think that way? Is okay with me.

Somewhere in there, there is still space to get angry about it. That someone would go to those lengths. And I think if you can get to the point where you’re angry about being treated like that, then you should consider that feeling angry is an achievement. Anger is the appropriate response (but not always the first response!).

 

[Freida]

Hmmmm. Reading this thread makes me want to puke. I really thought it was just me. I'm a very long way from dealing with the planning part but it hurts just a little bit less to know I'm not alone.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don’t know about any of you, but back when I was in college, the term “shacking up” didn’t mean sex. It meant spend the night. Yes, sex could be part of the equation but many or I dare to say most times it was not. I was trying to explain to my first T that this is what I had hoped would happen. I liked and trusted him. 1.5 months before, he had helped me through a very raw break up on Valentine’s Day. I would run into him in his dorm while I would visit good friends of mine, quite a bit. He was funny, kind and friendly. The night he raped me, he offered to walk me home from a party. He even said the words that it isn’t “safe” to walk home alone. There was no indication to me at any time that he wanted sex. People say, “you had to have known that’s what he wanted?” Why? How? I had stayed in his room before, way past visiting hours, why would this have been any different? So... planned? Opportunity? I don’t know.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

Hmmmm. Reading this thread makes me want to puke. I really thought it was just me. I'm a very long way...

Yep-I’m with you with the wanting to puke. I’m sorry about what you’ve gone through and hope some day you can find peace about it all. I’m so glad I talk to my T on Monday. These revelations have only been realized in the last week or so and I’m really on edge. It’s almost like starting all over processing a whole different incident. I feel so sick. And why did it take over 30 years to realize this? My high school reunion is coming up this year and thought that I might go and confront him but I’m seriously rethinking that now.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I don’t know about any of you, but back when I was in college, the term “shacking up” didn’t me...

Ugh that is sickening to ponder. Did any of your mutual friends know you stayed the night? If so maybe he was waiting for a more isolated setting? It’s chilling that he said it isn’t safe to walk home. He was truthful about that. It’s so frustrating not having answers to these important questions.

 

[Freida]

And why did it take over 30 years to realize this?

According t my t it's because it took that long for me to wear myself out so completely that I could no longer distract myself. Ugh!

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I can’t get my head around it. And that shocks me, but I’m kind of okay with not being abl...

You're right about the anger being a positive step but I am too nauseated and revolted and horrified to be there just yet. Do they get off on planning it? I'm with you. I'm not in the head space and fortunately don't think that way and I'm okay with that too but I just for the life of me can't understand how a person would even want to do something like that. And for me it's been like processing a whole new trauma. Barf

 

[Hooper]

This happened to my wife. She was 13 and he was 16. How do you insure you can get a 13 year old out of the house late as well as intoxicated? You do it on New Year's Eve. It messes with my head every year knowing the date, his identity and his methodology. He even told everyone at school they had "consummated" their relationship. It infuriates me to no end and it didn't even happen to me. My wife doesn't believe it was planned but I'm certain of it. Sorry you had the same experience.

 

[Lilminks2]

This flare I am coming down off was caused intentionally, as the last 3 were as well. It was meant to get me out of the picture permanently. I too, could not even deal with it's effects to me let alone the idea that such cruelty existed. I literally could not wrap my brain around it because I could not think that a human being or a group of them could be so evil. Looking back on my life I realized it start as a child. When I finally left it allowed me to see it as it was meant to be. So, my response has always been "just leave." It worked in the pass and I left the situation, but that is not quite enough now. In order to truly get over this flare requires me to leave this city, county and state so I am moving in 2 weeks to another state. It does not stop the stalking or their desire to "destroy" me or "kill" me, but it does show me that I am able to move on with my life that "I" want and it stops the manipulations. I now believe that people, even families have and use their capacity to intentionally inflict cruelty ypon another. No family, problems solved. I too have been in a planned rape. It hurt then, but I don't even think about it now, because the relationship was so different. It was not by a trusted friend but a group of acquaintances. Time can heal but you have to do the work.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

This happened to my wife. She was 13 and he was 16. How do you insure you can get a 13 year old out of...

Oh no.. I’m so sorry she went through that and also that it affects you both. Geez, only 13... I can understand her thinking it wasn’t planned. It was easier to try and cope with what happened when I thought it was a misunderstanding that went horribly wrong instead of knowing you were looking at the face of intentional evil. It wasn’t until I started facing what happened and really connecting the dots that I saw it as clear as day. And maybe he didn’t set out to rape me as much as he was determined he was getting what he wanted that night. The question of my consent was never a consideration to him. I know for a fact it wasn’t.

Omg he told everyone at school that they “consummated” their relationship? Oh that’s awful. I bet she had to put up with a lot of BS at school for that as well. When my rapist laughed at me and told me in front of my class I was just mad because he f***ed me, I completely dissociated. I can’t get over her being only 13. I was 15 and could barely cope. I don’t remember most of that whole school year. Was she harassed all year because of that too? I’m sure she was, people being the creeps they can be in school.

Lots of hugs to you both!

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

This flare I am coming down off was caused intentionally, as the last 3 were as well. It was meant to get me out of...

OMG!!! This is horrible!! Is there no one who can help? It sounds like the police should be involved but maybe that’s only in an ideal world. I’m horrified for you!!! That’s so awful. It’s hard healing from the past when the situation is ongoing in the present. Your safety is of the utmost importance and I’m glad you are able to do what you can to maintain that. Lots of hugs!!!

 

[Hooper]

don’t remember most of that whole school year. Was she harassed all year because of that too? I’m sure she was, people being the creeps they can be in school.

Of course she was. Every guy that knew which happened to be every guy thought she was open game. She graduated a year early. The part I have trouble with emotionally is she continued the relationship in an effort to deny what happened. Intellectually I know this is common but it still stings. The biggest mistake I made was hunting down his identity. I know who he is and he has no clue who I am. I have a home for my hatred. I wish I did not do that. I'd rather he be an anonymous pos. Instead I know everything about him.