Relationship How to approach?

[Hojay]

Two weeks ago I caught my sufferer trying to delete a message on his phone from another woman (long story, I wasn't snooping.) He has sworn up and down it was just a stupid split second decision because he was afraid I'd misconstrue her getting in touch with him (I've had some issues with trust out of my own history. Not an excuse though.) He tried to answer my questions, apologized, but it took all but 10 minutes for him to get severely triggered (according to him, about all the stuff he HAS been trying to keep in and hide, i.e. abuse in the past and recent) and that's been that.

A week after (minimal communication,) I wrote him a long email stating that I need an honest and prolonged conversation about the nature of his involvement with this woman. I'm open to believing that it was just a stupid split second decision to hide an otherwise harmless conversation, but I can't pull that trust out of thin air right now. I said all this with a lot of love and care. He thanked me and promised to respond. I wasn't expecting an answer immediately.

Since then, he's been reeling in and out of panic attacks, flashbacks, isolation, and hopelessness. He said he's been trying to reply, but keeps needing to stop and focus on his flashbacks. Last night it somehow got to a point where he was hysterically screaming at me on the phone that he can't trust anyone and he's just terrible for me and hurting me and he will never open up to anyone ever again. Not in his right mind, of course. "Stable" he doesn't believe this.

Aware that I'm not going to get any sort of answer out of him until he's calmed down, I've been giving him space and trying not to take the bait to escalate this. I'm trying so hard to keep my boundaries (i.e. needing to have a conversation about trust,) but he's been so out of control mentally, we're just getting further and further away from what it is I need from him. I know I need to be my first priority. I'm trying hard to stay sane, hold onto myself, and take care of myself. But it's so hard to find a right path when my SO is obviously suffering immensely and is ready to blow everything up out of self-hate and fear, while I'm sitting here wondering who that other woman was and why he deleted that message.

This is confusing, I'm sorry. It's more complex than "he cheated on you, get out." There's no proof of cheating, just a lot of doubt right now.

I'm not seeing my options right now. What are my options?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always wonder when sufferers freak out when being questioned about shady behavior... are they triggered because it's digging up a trust issue? Or are they stressed out because they got caught being shady? That's the dilemma.

The trust thing is an odd little conundrum. Is he having the issue with you not trusting him, or him not trusting you? He's technically the one who isn't being trusted now... unless he is somehow flipping it that he can't trust you because you accuse him of cheating?

Idk... I was married to a cheater before so I tend to be on BS patrol when it's not always fair to be looking out for BS.

 

[Hojay]

I was married to a cheater before so I tend to be on BS patrol when it's not always fair to be looking out for BS

My problem exactly. I've been lied to and cheated on to a degree I can't even begin to explain, so yea, I've been on high alert ever since. I have trust issues and I'm aware I may have gone overboard at times voicing those. So, you know, even though it's not right in any case, a part of me understands his impulse reasoning to want to avoid conflict by deleting a message he knew I'd have trust issues about. (If the message was harmless that is.) I've been working with a therapist on these issues and I've made good progress. But this situation is such a strange gray zone, my tools are giving out a little.

are they triggered because it's digging up a trust issue? Or are they stressed out because they got caught being shady?

The million dollar question, yes. According to him he gets triggered by not being believed. It brings up memories of trying to "tell the truth" in childhood and people not believing him. So if he says something and I remain on the fence, he's triggered. In this case, I demanded to see his phone (yeah, I was triggered too.) He let me see it for a short while, then took it away from me, saying there ARE things he doesn't want me to see relating to a court case he is going through right now, the details of which have retraumatized him. I mean, all this is plausible. And how horrific would it be for him if I ended this because I didn't believe him while he told the honest truth.

Is he having the issue with you not trusting him, or him not trusting you?

This is where it gets complicated. Both. It triggers him that I may not believe him. But also the other way around. I think he does have issues trusting me. He's admitted to hiding things about what's happened to him in the past and recently. He has a hard time trusting anyone to be able to handle that information. The deleting of the message was also a sign of him not trusting me. If the conversation was harmless, he did not trust me to believe him, which is partially my fault, but also not okay in my eyes.

 

[shimmerz]

According to him he gets triggered by not being believed.

I totally get this. From my experience this could absolutely be a huge trigger.

But then again, he may just not like getting caught lying either.

I often wonder about people who know about complex triggers and spew them out. I mean, really, most of my triggers took years to find the logic too. Just an aside....

 

[Hojay]

Yes, it could just be that he dislikes being caught lying. But that would presupposed that his subsequent episode is one great con and the most believable stage show I’ve ever seen. If his reaction is just a way to manipulate me away from asking more questions, wow...

As to your aside, it’s been a process of about 2 1/2 years to a point where he’s been able to somewhat articulate what triggers him in these situations. I had no explanation before, so the pieces are slowly starting to come together.

But the question remains, is he really triggered by not being believed, or when he’s caught in a lie. It’s so hard to figure out, him being as unstable as he is right now.

 

[Hojay]

I have to add that the mere fact of questioning whether he’s really triggered by not being believed is another act of not believing him. I can’t win here.

 

[EveHarrington]

*raises hand*

I get hella triggered by not being believed and false accusations. It’s happened to me since I was a young child.

It’s definitely a proceed with caution and choose your approach wisely kind of area.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you for chiming in @EveHarrington. I can actually see that being very triggering. False accusations and not being believed it stressful for anyone, not to mention when that's been an aspect of traumatic experiences.

It puts me in a real bind though. Essentially this means I can't question or second guess my sufferer on anything he does. Not even when he's actually done something quite suspicious (maybe harmful, maybe not.) I don't know anyone who just straight up comes out with the truth when they've effed up. Usually it takes a round or two of grilling (in my experience.) My sufferer's condition means I just have to trust whatever answer he throws at me, not second guess, and not ever bring it up again? How do I best proceed with caution while also making sure I'm not being naive?

 

[EveHarrington]

I apologize if that’s the impression that I gave.... I guess I mean that it’s not a good idea to throw down accusations without knowing or having any evidence. Questioning is ok, but I advise being tactful. This is not an easy thing in the least! Try to leave out any accusatory tones. Maybe approach it as more of... “I get scared when I think of you texting other women because I don’t want to lose you”.... something very gentle that doesn’t accuse him and tries to open up the avenues of communication. (Sorry if my example wasn’t the best!)

 

[Hojay]

Oh no, you didn’t give off the wrong impression! Your input is super helpful. I have tried it the calm and collected way, speaking in non aggressive “I statements” but it always, eventually gets to a point where he feels like I don’t believe him, and off he goes.

It’s taken a lot for me to not just see this as the sign of lying it usually would be. It seems like there’s no easy way to solve this other than, “no hard evidence, no discussion.” In this situation it’s been hard though, because I do have evidence of “something,” just that it could be any number of things. What I do know is that “hiding” anything in that way is not ok. But talking about hiding things itself is a trigger for him, and on and on we go...

 

[Supervixn]

Fishy

 

[A concerned spouse]

Sometimes you aren't going to get the answer no matter how hard you try and that's when you look deep inside and trust your gut!