I suppose my experience being an addict (alcohol) has left me feeling isolated....even on this forum. I have posted my experiences on the introduction thread and nobody replied. I guess I have nothing of any importance to share. (my pity party...there..."huff")
I am 51 years old and was raised in a violent, alcoholic household. My brother died in 2008 at age 38 from his addiction. Mine didn't "show up" until I was aged 32/33 when I moved from Utah to Chicago and married a man from Milwaukee. There literally IS a bar on every corner in Chicago and I think I drank at most of them on the North side (I lived there for 17 years before moving to AZ a year ago). When I started to get black out drunk, I was told by my husband to go get help or he would leave me, (he was more of a binge drinker). I went to an inpatient facility for 2 weeks in 2009 where I was drugged with Seroquel. I was like a drooling zombie. I was back to drinking within 3 weeks after I left. I had my first gran mal (now called generalized clonic tonic) seizure 2 months after I left rehab and had a seizure every single month for almost 2 and a half years. I was still drinking, of course, and would not take the pheno barbital I was given for the seizures, (only took it spottily when I wasn't drinking so much....dumb, I know...but it is that alcoholic brain). I still have the seizures if I do not take medication for them, though I get more focal ones. (the epilepsy, it is assumed, is caused by the multiple concussions I have suffered from over the years....mostly in my childhood from severe beatings......)
I am writing because it seems like I am alone in my addiction. I have been reading as much as I can about PTSD from childhood trauma and the literature states that it is VERY common for people with this diagnosis to become substance abusers. I am about a week from when I was discharged from inpatient rehab and I feel as if I am a deer in the headlights of a fast approaching semi truck. I have read a bunch of literature, go to AA every day....am working the 12 steps as best I can......but I am still isolating in my home. As a result of my violent arrest at the end of October, I am now terrified if I see a police car or truck. There was a knock on my door yesterday and I had an anxiety attack because I was convinced it was the police. It was two old ladies with bibles coming to the door, (I saw them leave from the peep hole I finally got the nerve to look through.)
As I wrote already, I have called 5 different therapists in my area and NOT ONE will see me. One had the kindness to tell me she just wasn't trained enough in childhood trauma to deal with the PTSD AND the addiction.
I can never ever drink again, but sadly...suicidal thoughts are popping into my head again. I feel so isolated...especially since my husband I moved to a very isolated part of Arizona and I have NO friends. My son and daughter (I used to have a very good relationship with her) are in an incestuous relationship and since my son hates me, he doesn't allow my daughter to chat with me.
At any rate....this is how I feel right now.
sigh
I am 51 years old and was raised in a violent, alcoholic household. My brother died in 2008 at age 38 from his addiction. Mine didn't "show up" until I was aged 32/33 when I moved from Utah to Chicago and married a man from Milwaukee. There literally IS a bar on every corner in Chicago and I think I drank at most of them on the North side (I lived there for 17 years before moving to AZ a year ago). When I started to get black out drunk, I was told by my husband to go get help or he would leave me, (he was more of a binge drinker). I went to an inpatient facility for 2 weeks in 2009 where I was drugged with Seroquel. I was like a drooling zombie. I was back to drinking within 3 weeks after I left. I had my first gran mal (now called generalized clonic tonic) seizure 2 months after I left rehab and had a seizure every single month for almost 2 and a half years. I was still drinking, of course, and would not take the pheno barbital I was given for the seizures, (only took it spottily when I wasn't drinking so much....dumb, I know...but it is that alcoholic brain). I still have the seizures if I do not take medication for them, though I get more focal ones. (the epilepsy, it is assumed, is caused by the multiple concussions I have suffered from over the years....mostly in my childhood from severe beatings......)
I am writing because it seems like I am alone in my addiction. I have been reading as much as I can about PTSD from childhood trauma and the literature states that it is VERY common for people with this diagnosis to become substance abusers. I am about a week from when I was discharged from inpatient rehab and I feel as if I am a deer in the headlights of a fast approaching semi truck. I have read a bunch of literature, go to AA every day....am working the 12 steps as best I can......but I am still isolating in my home. As a result of my violent arrest at the end of October, I am now terrified if I see a police car or truck. There was a knock on my door yesterday and I had an anxiety attack because I was convinced it was the police. It was two old ladies with bibles coming to the door, (I saw them leave from the peep hole I finally got the nerve to look through.)
As I wrote already, I have called 5 different therapists in my area and NOT ONE will see me. One had the kindness to tell me she just wasn't trained enough in childhood trauma to deal with the PTSD AND the addiction.
I can never ever drink again, but sadly...suicidal thoughts are popping into my head again. I feel so isolated...especially since my husband I moved to a very isolated part of Arizona and I have NO friends. My son and daughter (I used to have a very good relationship with her) are in an incestuous relationship and since my son hates me, he doesn't allow my daughter to chat with me.
At any rate....this is how I feel right now.
sigh
