Relationship What to do and how to handle this?

[Someonelikeme]

So as I said in other post my wife and I are still officially married, but we have not lived together for 18 months. If you want details of my marriage you can read other posts. There is no point in reposting all the details again.

so since Wednesday of this week it had been 8 days since we went to marriage counseling together. Last session I went alone per Marriage counselors request. At our last session together my wife told me she does not feel safe with me. This is the first time this has come up. Also when I dropped her off she told me to not text or call her. Also last time we were in marriage counseling I asked her why have you not asked me lately to drive you to different appointments? She replied I don't feel safe with you.
For 8 days I did not text or call her. So I find out on Wednesday that my 93 year old Grandmother that lives in Florida was Throwing up so she went to the Hospital and the hospital diagnosed my Grandmother with pneumonia, plus they said her blood pressure was low and they put a ballon in her to lower her Blood pressure.......... She has been in the hospital for 2 days.
Soon as I got a text from my Aunt in Florida I texted my wife since I thought she would want to know this. A while later I got a text from my wife am I ok? Since Wednesday she has texted me a few times asking for updates. Also today she called me for a few minutes. She comment that my Grandmother being in the hospital was very hard for her and she said something like inspide of what's going on between me and you I still love your grandmother so much. I ask do you love me? She replied I love you so much. On top of this she texted me Wednesday if I was willing to drive her to her social workers appointment next Wednesday? I said yes.

Few questions:

Did I do wrong by texting her? Not from a PTSD point of few, but because she originally asked me not to call or text her.

Is this a push/pull thing?

What should I do now? I have not talked to her since maybe 8am this morning and it's 3pm now. My plan is to let her take the lead unless I have any new updates.

Was it wrong that I said yes to her asking me if I could drive her to her social workers appointment next week?

A non related question. Is it possible someone with PTSD sincerely still has a loves attachment to you,but no longer has a emotional attachment to you?

 

[Hojay]

Skipping over some of the details (except for your grandmother, I’m very sorry to hear she is suffering,) let me ask you something else: do YOU feel safe with her at the moment?

I don’t think you were wrong texting her (she seems close with your grandmother,) but do feel into your intentions for doing so. Was it really to inform her of the events or was it a good enough excuse to contact her again, knowing the response would be amicable? I’m not saying this to imply you did something wrong. It’s just good to be aware of the traps we set for ourselves that may disappoint us in the long run.

This question is about boundaries, what you will and will not tolerate in terms of reciprocation or lack thereof.

The question should not be if she feels safe enough with you again to drive her to appointments. It’s whether you feel safe enough to put yourself in that position after what she has disclosed about her trust and feelings.

This boundary business is a dance, but it’s not a manipulation. Us supporters have a lot of minute legwork to do in terms of where we draw lines and how to feel out specific situations as above.

Giving them space and respecting their boundaries and limits is key. But we shouldn’t forget we need to have some too or else our self respect, dignity, and sense of self can go out the window fast.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I personally don't think it was wrong texting her about your grandmother. I believe there are moments in life such as emergency situations that change the situation. I would have done the same thing.

I also don't believe you were wrong in saying yes to her request of driving her to her Wednesday appt. She asked. If YOU had asked her, I would say you crossed the line BUT she asked you. But now you have to back off and wait until Tuesday night or Wenesday morning to see if she texts you about her appt. If she doesn't I would send a quick text like "do you still need me to drive you to your appt?" And that's it. Nothing more nothing less.

The answer to your 3rd question is yes. When my husband is in an avoidance withdrawal stage (usually a sever one), he tells me he loves me more than anyone in the world but he can't feel it. He feels absolutely nothing for anyone. He KNOWS he loves but he can't feel it. I know for you and I we don't get that or understand that and you will have to ask a sufferer that goes through that to explain it but it does happen. It's just what their brain does to survive the trauma they are going through.

Take this time to work on you. To get your mental and emotional strength back. To get you confidence back. It will help her.

 

[Someonelikeme]

Skipping over some of the details (except for your grandmother, I’m very sorry to hear she is suffering...

I don't feel safe or unsafe with my wife right now. The problem is I never set mysel boundaries with her. I truly only texted her to let her know, but did hope for a text.