Honestly
@freebird ...before I underwent 16 grueling E.M.D.R. Therapy sessions this year...I "white-knuckled" it...meaning I was constantly being triggered and flashing back into my trauma history. I was extremely suicidal....and had made numerous plans to check out of here.
Truthfully, I held on to the hope of so many others (who'd gone before me in here and have lived) by walking through and continuing to walk through my and they...well...their own nightmares and trauma histories/memories.
And also I desperately clung to their belief that I could remain here and walk through my trauma history...and I continued to choose not to kill my self and hang on by sleeping an awful lot and the drug ClonazePAM helped me for a while until I could undergo E.M.D.R. Therapy.
I'd much earlier (prior to finding this forum) cut my self all up...and I ate copious amounts of food...I did ANYTHING I could do to numb out...and to try and remain here...and to not kill my self...and most of my "coping" skills were very unhealthy for my mind, body, and soul until E.M.D.R. Therapy.
However, post EMDR Therapy, I was then (and am continuing to do so) able to learn much healthier coping skills...these unhealthier ones (cutting, over-eating, drinking, smoking, toking, sexing, etc.) although they kept me here and numbed out, I'm definitely not recommending any of them...accept perhaps the ClonzePAM. For I nearly self-destructed on these very unhealthy "coping" skills.
This forum and it's members helped me tremendously and I read so many of their posts/threads in here and I boned-up on as much information regarding PTSD that I could. And I also found a trauma therapist...and I began to talk about the dark secrets of my past and about the perps/pervs who'd harmed me.
And I started a trauma diary in here and I started trying to get honest about what the perps/pervs did
TO me that caused me to almost self-destruct. And I had to look at what I'd done after perps/pervs harmed me...i.e. and begin the arduous task of forgiving my self for harming my self...and others. I had to get deadly serious and honest about my trauma history.
Now I know to sleep when I'm tired...eat when I'm hungry...and to do deep-breathing exercises to relax...I listen to beautiful music to calm me when I am overly-stressed.
And I started to physically and emotionally break ties and cut my self off from anyone and anything that post EMDR Therapy continued to cause me deep emotional agony and needless intense suffering.
And I had to try and rid my self of the intense guilt and shame from self-destructive things I did and the family members did, in other words getting a handle on my food issues, drug issues, and looking at my family dynamics and deal with my dependent/co-dependent familial relationships, etc.
I have very stringent boundaries now...and practice self-care and self-nurturing now. I am learning how to love my self for the very first time in my life.
