My husband pushed me

[Suhifo]

Ugh.

My husband suffers from combat ptsd, tbi, and lived a life of abuse since he was a child. I, myself, have severe anxiety and although never was abused - I grew up in a home where yelling and screaming was a regular thing... and because of that, I HATE confrontation. But my husband gets incredibly angry sometimes. Honestly, he’s a bully when we fight - and the therapist just says it’s because of the ptsd and how his brain reacts, etc. Ok - I get that. And really, I’ve put up with a lot of screaming, I’ve put up with him walking out on our toddler and myself multiple times (usually for two nights or something). And earlier this month, when he asked for a break - I gave it to him... fun fact: the one thing I told him when we first met was that if he ever walked out the door during an argument, we would be done. But because I am trying to be supportive while he works through shit, I have let it happen. After this last break (which ended up lasting 4 days), we came back together and he said he’d never leave again.

We talked and everything has been amazing since then.

Until today. We got in a spat about the dog and out of no where it escalated. Next thing I know, he has me backed into a wall, SCREAMING IN MY FACE, then he grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved/pushed me into the wall on the other side of the room. I was just in shock and walked away.... he continued to scream. He had an appointment with his therapist scheduled for like an hour later - so that’s where he is now.

But I just don’t know what to do. Do I forgive him? Do I just assume it was a one time thing? Or should I be worried that it is going to continue to escalate? Because he’s never put his hands on me before.

 

[anonymous]

It may escalate, what a jerk he is for doing that, that's out of order. My ex shoved me to the ground ten years ago and I should have left her (we're both female, but my god she is strong) then, things only got worse over the years. I am free from her now thank god.

I would look into domestic abuse stuff if I were you, see if any of it fits.

 

[Nogot]

Pushing someone else into a wall is domestic violence. Someone’s aggressive and behavior being fueled by PTSD is not an excuse for the behavior. Period. Forgiveness may be something you choose to do, but healthy forgiveness doesn’t pretend physical assault didn’t happen.

If I were you, and I’m not, but if I was, I’d request he move out. Today. Perhaps he could go stay wherever he was staying for that month that just ended 4 days ago. If he refuses, I’d get professional advice on possibly taking your toddler and staying elsewhere. He is clearly unable to control his anger at this time and safety precautions need to be taken.

Then I’d speak to a counselor of your own. Just for you, to get help navigating the next steps.

 

[Eje]

Opps I misread, the month break lasted 4 days? Not ended 4 days ago? Either way, it’s time to get space.

 

[Oget]

You’re being abused.

 

[Owimet]

It will almost definitely escalate. I agree with Nogot, read about domestic violence and see what resonates. His PTSD and TBI, might fuel his behavior but he is still ultimately responsible. There is a difference between being supportive and being abused. You have to take care of yourself in a relationship, not just your husband

 

[Ahe]

I am wondering what advice you would give to me if you and I were friends and I told you my husband did that.

Would it make a difference to you if I explained it away by saying he has PTSD?

 

[Nonowa]

He needs to keep his damn hands to himself. There is never a reason good enough to put your hands on somebody in anger. He needs to check that shit or you need to go.

I'm with a combat vet with PTSD and TBI as well. There is no excuse for physical abuse. You have to decide if you want to leave or not.

... fun fact: the one thing I told him when we first met was that if he ever walked out the door during an argument, we would be done

^^ If you stay you need to drop this. Lashing out and aggressiveness are pretty common with Combat PTSD. They're trained to fight in fight/flight situations and that shit is embedded in there deep. He NEEDS to walk away during an argument. If not, YOU need to walk away. It's a security thing. If you fight back it's going to escalate and escalate fast. My vet has never laid a hand on me, but I still wouldn't go toe to toe with him in an argument just in case. That's for my safety.

 

[Wisot]

My ex was a combat vet with PTSD and TBI, as well. Over the years, it escalated to biting, shoving, choking, and hair pulling. But honestly, what stuck with me even more than the physical abuse was the "bullying" -- the verbal/emotional sh*t. It's a total mind f*ck trying to toe the line between being a PTSD supporter and being a doormat. In my own situation, my inability to set and enforce proper boundaries made me a doormat, which is not at all what he needed in a partner. Looking back, I think I may have done more harm than good in regards to enabling his bad behavior. He needed someone that could completely disengage until he was regulated again (despite whatever names he was calling me or threats he was making), which I had a hard time doing. Regardless, I realize now that the relationship was abusive, and that ultimately, it was his choice to do and say those things.

It's not a question of when it escalates, because it already has. You used to argue verbally, now an argument has gotten physical. It's already escalated.

 

[Onupag]

I've been where you are. Slammed into a wall by my vet.

So here's my question for you: will your broken jaw hurt any less because he has PTSD? Will your family grieve you any less as they bury you because he has PTSD?

Put your toddler first and get out now. This is genuinely your life on the line.

 

[Suhifo]

Thank you all for your responses. I actually stupidly forgave him. We talked a lot, he apologized, etc. And again, everything was great until tonight when a Christmas Eve dinner caused an anxiety attack which led him to try and commit suicide. I walked in on him attempting to hang himself - and during the struggle of trying to stop him, he repeatedly threw me to the ground, to the ground, onto the corner of a sharp table. I’ve got bruises, cuts, knots, etc. He told me he would kill me in order to kill himself and I don’t know why, but at that moment I said that was fine and stood my ground. I was NOT going to let him kill him self with our toddler AND HIS TWO DAUGHTERS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE upstairs. After struggling for 45 minutes, I finally ran upstairs to get my phone to call 911. Then he took off in his truck and threatened to kill himself that way. Luckily, our sheriffs department actually went looking for him and found him. I received a knock on the door and it was a police officer giving me my husband’s keys and letting me know they were taking him to the hospital.

Tonight was scary, and my body aches - why do I still want to be with this guy?! Like what the hell is wrong with me?

I know there’s never an excuse for abuse - but I suffer from really bad anxiety myself. When I’m not medicated - I literally have zero control over myself when I’m having an attack. And currently, he’s not medicated....

 

[Mufo]

I know there’s never an excuse for abuse -

Personally, I wouldn't class that as abuse. I'd class it as a fight.

Congratulations on winning it.

My condolences on having to.