SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I haven't been able to admit this to anyone even on here, because I like to put a better outlook on problems and keep trying. But here it is: because of being in denial I have put myself in very unfavorable work position. It's been a tough year, and I give myself props for doing what my best was at the time, but I've gotten myself here, and I feel guilty too, and I'm struggling.
2.5 years ago- or about- I had spent a year being so anxious I could barely work or go out. I go myself in therapy and in a year, things were finally back to normal. Ever since university, for 6 years all I've done and well made living with, was freelancing, primarily VA work. It was always plenty of work and enough to pay my bills, except for that one year.
Anyway, this year in may, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my partner after we began, and ever since I struggled to regain control of my work and life. Suddenly I had less consistent work and more bills, suddenly new clients didn't come so easily, I was setting up new place, and all that...I had to stop therapy for lack of funds. Issues kept piling up, and there was more than once when I barely worked, barely paid bills on time, and barely got out of bed. I was trying to keep it together in front of anyone who wasn't in this forum. For myself too. And here I am, behind on rent again. My client being away until New Year, again. Surrounded by people that don't believe in depression, but barely managing to work out of bed.
I'm trying though. I asked few friends for help(small help but it's a start-I'm trying to handle the closest payments), I'm trying to establish routine of applying for jobs daily, I am trying to read on dbt, occasionally meditate, break tasks into smaller things. I am trying to do tasks for my online store, even though right now it feels anything with too small of an effect doesn't even make a dent in the situation. My spirits are really low. I am trying to keep with the bit by bit idea, hoping one day it gets better, but it's hard. Especially around New Year when I suddenly got so clear overview of how depressed I was in the summer(practically suicidal-that I shared with some friends, there was no way to push through otherwise), and how slowly things are pushing forward. It's like every effort is a drop in a bucket and I'm yet to figure out if that bucket has a hole in the bottom or not. Everything is hard, getting up, eating, not eating, trying, not trying. I know it took time to get here and it will take time to dig myself out of it, I know somehow such situations pass anyway however bad or panicked I feel, but it's awful.
I'm making a battle plan, though- for handling things now, for building better future. But it's hard, it is. I don't know if I need more support or advice, but both are appreciated. I have lists of things to help with the present and the future, and I keep expanding them. Everything feels so hopeless, helpless, like 5 days will screw up something I build for 5 years, like I don't have the time to get better...but I have to keep trying, what else can I do?
Oh...and for the next 10 days I have almost no income. I have some, it's basically awfully paid side gig, pays almost nothing, but it's something. I'm also trying to figure out whether to pawn my old tablet(if they accept it) just to put some pressure off the current situation to focus on the future new clients I need to find. After 3rd of January things will get easier, but sadly a lot of things can't be put off until then, so I need to handle them....Sorry this is so long, so much is on my mind, and I'm trying, I'm really trying to keep moving forwards somehow...
Oh, and forgot to mention, each small task for the side work makes me really nervous and shaky. Job interviews too. So I am doing as many as I can handle and learning how to push the anxiety.
2.5 years ago- or about- I had spent a year being so anxious I could barely work or go out. I go myself in therapy and in a year, things were finally back to normal. Ever since university, for 6 years all I've done and well made living with, was freelancing, primarily VA work. It was always plenty of work and enough to pay my bills, except for that one year.
Anyway, this year in may, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my partner after we began, and ever since I struggled to regain control of my work and life. Suddenly I had less consistent work and more bills, suddenly new clients didn't come so easily, I was setting up new place, and all that...I had to stop therapy for lack of funds. Issues kept piling up, and there was more than once when I barely worked, barely paid bills on time, and barely got out of bed. I was trying to keep it together in front of anyone who wasn't in this forum. For myself too. And here I am, behind on rent again. My client being away until New Year, again. Surrounded by people that don't believe in depression, but barely managing to work out of bed.
I'm trying though. I asked few friends for help(small help but it's a start-I'm trying to handle the closest payments), I'm trying to establish routine of applying for jobs daily, I am trying to read on dbt, occasionally meditate, break tasks into smaller things. I am trying to do tasks for my online store, even though right now it feels anything with too small of an effect doesn't even make a dent in the situation. My spirits are really low. I am trying to keep with the bit by bit idea, hoping one day it gets better, but it's hard. Especially around New Year when I suddenly got so clear overview of how depressed I was in the summer(practically suicidal-that I shared with some friends, there was no way to push through otherwise), and how slowly things are pushing forward. It's like every effort is a drop in a bucket and I'm yet to figure out if that bucket has a hole in the bottom or not. Everything is hard, getting up, eating, not eating, trying, not trying. I know it took time to get here and it will take time to dig myself out of it, I know somehow such situations pass anyway however bad or panicked I feel, but it's awful.
I'm making a battle plan, though- for handling things now, for building better future. But it's hard, it is. I don't know if I need more support or advice, but both are appreciated. I have lists of things to help with the present and the future, and I keep expanding them. Everything feels so hopeless, helpless, like 5 days will screw up something I build for 5 years, like I don't have the time to get better...but I have to keep trying, what else can I do?
Oh...and for the next 10 days I have almost no income. I have some, it's basically awfully paid side gig, pays almost nothing, but it's something. I'm also trying to figure out whether to pawn my old tablet(if they accept it) just to put some pressure off the current situation to focus on the future new clients I need to find. After 3rd of January things will get easier, but sadly a lot of things can't be put off until then, so I need to handle them....Sorry this is so long, so much is on my mind, and I'm trying, I'm really trying to keep moving forwards somehow...
Oh, and forgot to mention, each small task for the side work makes me really nervous and shaky. Job interviews too. So I am doing as many as I can handle and learning how to push the anxiety.
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