Relationship Have i messed up? or am i taking positive steps?!

[ByrnesT]

Well I don’t really know whether I’ve made a terrible mistake here or whether I’ve taken positive steps & to hell with the consequences.

For anyone who has read my posts will know I met my sufferer over 2.5 years ago. Her childhood trauma has been untreated (bar just a few sessions as a teenager that she refused to continue) & undiagnosed for basically her whole life. I joined this site seeking advice on cPTSD as she had come to me once suggesting she may have that but she still did nothing about it. Since coming on here & talking to a therapist for myself, I now suspect it may be something more like EUPD/BPD. It certainly sounds very plausible but ultimately I don’t know because she refuses to see anyone or do anything about it. She won’t even do couple’s therapy even tho she said she thought it could be a good idea. I’ve yet to understand this.

My sufferer broke up with me back in July for the last proper time (after a phenomenal amount of breaking up with me throughout the relationship). We have had a couple of brief moments since then of “trying again” but they have lasted literally a day or 2 at most before the world fell in for her again. But since July the arguments & fury against me hasn’t ever really stopped. So despite the relationship “ending” nearly 6 months ago I’ve never really felt out of it. Plus I’d been dumped so many times during the relationship it’s hard for it to ever really feel over.

I told her this time that unless she gets help now I have to walk away. That hasn’t worked even tho she still insists I’m the love of her life. I don’t say this lightly, but I’m brave enough now to admit that basically my sufferer has been abusing me for the majority of our relationship. I wanted to see the good & to help her but she takes no ownership of her behaviour & projects all her faults onto me. I still believe she can be better & she doesn’t want to be this way, but ultimately she just won’t do anything about it.

The last month I’ve admittedly got to a bit of a bad place with all this. It’s started to consume me & beat me down. I know I should walk away, I know this is not good for me, I know she’s not even trying to be better...but I still love her & want to believe in her & I want this to work. Hence why I joined this site & started therapy!

But again, she refuses to do anything. She’s been telling me I have to forget her. I’ll admit the last week or 2 any communication there has been I have not been at my best. I’m not nasty to her but I’m feeling quite bitter about things & so I’ve probably been a bit petulant at times. I hate to lower myself to that sort of level but I’m beyond frustrated. I invested a hell of a lot into her (& her children) & yet she would rather walk away from me than get help for a mental illness she herself (sometimes) admits she may have. She claims to have given me “everything” & tried so hard yet I see such little evidence. She’s telling me to forget her, yet she’s telling me she still loves me & always will. My head has been all over the place with this. It’s beaten me a little.

Obviously my friends & family want me to move on with my life. They don’t like seeing me so sad all the time, they are aware of some of her behaviour towards me (not all of it by any stretch!) & they know she doesn’t treat me well. They empathise with her troubled past but ultimately see what she’s doing to me. It’s not even that they’re taking sides against her, they just don’t want me to be miserable. And my logical brain knows they’re right, but I’m still emotionally drawn to her. I don’t want to let her go.

I’m also doing some self examining as to why it is I want to be in a relationship like this. Am I attracted to the turbulence (even tho I hate it!) or am I just too kind & looking for the good in her. I don’t have answers yet. But still I believe in her & think she can get to a much better place if she just accepted help.

So here’s where I don’t know how much I have messed up. Pretty much everyone has been telling me I need to leave her behind now. She’s not doing what she needs to do so I should save myself. I’ve been told this by many people on this very forum after they’ve read my story. I’ve had several friends telling me it’s time to move on. That I should meet someone who treats me nicely. To be honest, I know they’re right, but I’ve just no interest right now. I just don’t want anyone else. I either want to do real work with my sufferer with the outside help that is so desperately needed, or nothing. I’ve no interest in anyone else yet.

But, a few days ago, I cracked to a bit of peer pressure & created a profile on a dating app. I was nagged & nagged, it was free & it pretty much involved just putting a couple of photos up. So to get people off my case I thought fine, I’ll set it up, they’ll think I’m moving on, that’s that. Plus after 6 months apart the love of my life is literally telling me to forget her & that we can never be together, so maybe I should do this anyway. Maybe I’ll do this & by taking no interest I’ll accidentally find something good for myself. Or, I’ll put no effort into it & nothing will come of it. Either way, I don’t really care right now. I don’t think it would even be fair for me to date anyone else at the moment anyway cos my mind is so consumed by my sufferer. I think about her 24/7. But, yes, I did it.

So just a few days later & tonight now my sufferer has found my profile. To be honest, I’m a little suspicious of how exactly she claims to have found me on there if she is not on there herself?? She says a friend told her, but only a small number of her friends would know a pic of me & they all have partners so wouldn’t be on a dating site!! I don’t know. I’m suspicious, but that’s by the by right now I guess.

The point is she has predictably lost it with me now. She has told me to never contact her again (far from the first time I’ve heard that) but this time it’s gone as far as if I contact her again she’ll contact the police accusing me of harassment!!!

I feel so confused & torn.

On the one hand, she dumped me 6 months ago for no good reason. It was probably over the 150th time of her dumping me & I would say that’s a conservative estimate. I have pleaded with her at times to get the help we need for our relationship to survive. I have told her I don’t want us to lose what we have. I have given her chance after chance after chance for over 2.5 years & never once has she really taken ownership over her behaviour which has been truly shocking & cruel at times. She has been an emotionally abusive partner to me who takes little responsibility & projects everything she does onto me. I’m exhausted, I’m beaten, I deserve a lot better.

But, on the other hand, I feel terrible now. I feel cheap. I feel like I’ve been caught being unfaithful even tho I know I’ve not been. I know she’s now going to be convincing herself that I have cheated on her in some way. That I’ve proved that she can trust no one, especially no man. I feel like I’ve really messed things up & lost her forever & that terrifies me.

But I would have never ever been unfaithful to her. I’d no reason to. I love her with all my heart & to me she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world despite everything that’s gone on.

I know I’ve handled this badly. I know I’ve made a bit of an ugly mess of things. But I don’t know how much I’ve actually done “wrong” either? I haven’t actually spoken to any women on that dating app, I just created it to put up a bit of a false image to people cos I’m embarrassed to tell them I still love this woman who ultimately doesn’t treat me very well. I thought if they thought I was moving on then they would stop quizzing me so much. I hide behind a laugh & a joke with most things but I was running out of comedy for my situation!

I’m so confused. I hate myself for creating this ugly mess & for knowing she’s hurting now...but also know my life has been an ugly mess for 2.5 years & I’ve been hurting through all of that & that absolutely was not of my own making.

She told me to forget about her but she sees I’m on a dating site & she has a meltdown. Is it cos she does in fact really love me & is just scared? Or is it just that she’s terrified of losing control of me?

Whatever it all is, I’m embarrassed that my life has become such a constant drama & a joke to others.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're broken up, right? What's the problem?

I don't see anything to feel guilty about. You bent over backwards for her, she keeps telling you to move on. You made a dating profile and she had a fit. Sounds like the houseguest situation you had before. You do what she says, then she changes her mind and punishes you for it.

She sounds like she enjoys raking you over the coals. She doesn't seem to do as much loving as she does punishing. Or she's like a petulant child with a toy she doesn't want, but she has a fit if another kid touches it

Honestly it sounds like she may be a very unstable presence in your life even once you decide you're done for good. Don't contact her again because she threatened cops, but don't be surprised if she comes back to rip you a new one again for something.

 

[Supervixn]

This relationship sounds like hell. You're trying to reconcile in your mind a situation so insane it can't ever really make sense... because you're not insane. I think you should stop harping on it and move past it. It not working out is no reflection of the caliber of man you are or arent. I'm glad you've gotten help. She wants to consume you and even outsiders are telling you it's time to move on. Why not take that advice? Dont let her rope you in again on any guilt trip or whatever it be. She's been insanely cruel to you with the intent to break you. Doesn't sound like PTSD to me now either.

 

[scout86]

This is going to sound kind of black & white, but it looks to me like you have 2 choices. Go on with the mess you've been dealing with, or walk away. She has other choices, but you can't make them for her.

You CAN take a time out from dating, you know. It might be good to take some time and look at the answers to some of those really good questions you asked about yourself.

As far as the dating site goes, you should probably let yourself off the hook for that one. First, because she ended the relationship and, second, because if she wasn't mad at you about that, she'd be mad about something else.

 

[Snowflakes]

I think the question here is do you continue living the drama of an ex-girlfriend who left you or do you start living your life?

Reminds me of my favorite line from “The Shawshank Redemption”: “Get busy living or get busy dying”

I think you’re in an emotional prison with this person. You need to break out of the shackles and get busy living.

Take care, my friend.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If you stay with her you'll probably be in trouble for something or another for the rest of your life.

You're a grown man, do you want to be in trouble?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My sufferer broke up with me back in July for the last proper time

This is reality for you, six months ago she broke up with you. I think she means it.

But since July the arguments & fury against me hasn’t ever really stopped. So despite the relationship “ending” nearly 6 months ago I’ve never really felt out of it.

I think that you are being in denial right now about what is really going on for the last six months with her. She made a choice and you are refusing to accept and respect it so you have issues yourself here.

I told her this time that unless she gets help now I have to walk away.

It is kind of a moot point because she has broken up with you and is leaving you behind and she has been moving on without you. You are not going to black mail her nor are you going to be able to manipulate her into your way of thinking.

I still love her & want to believe in her & I want this to work. Hence why I joined this site & started therapy!

You did not get involved to really work on yourself but to try to convince her. If you had entered for yourself to figure out why you are feeling so bad and messed up I think it would be different for you altogether. You seem to be trying to prove a point with her thus you are engaging in a real power struggle with her and playing mental head games with both yourself and her.

She’s been telling me I have to forget her.

Self explanatory, you are not respecting her boundary and foisting your will upon her and I really think that you need to take a really hard look at this action of yours right now.

She’s telling me to forget her, yet she’s telling me she still loves me & always will

Listening to the words while ignoring her actions will lead to serious distortions of reality for you. This is where you are headed.

I don’t want to let her go.

It is all about what you want isn't it? You are not listening to her nor are you respecting her.

I just don’t want anyone else.

You are refusing to accept reality as it really is. I understand your feelings and wants and desires yet you do not pay attention to what she has been saying for the last six months.

I cracked to a bit of peer pressure & created a profile on a dating app.

You were being dishonest to shut them up and pretend that you agreed to this. You are responsible for this choice to do that and you need to be responsible and call it your choice. We all make mistakes in life but you are now dealing with the consequences of not knowing any better way to get them off of your back.

You have had so many people here laying the truth down for you but I am beginning to see her side too now. She does not want to be in relationship with you anymore and yet you keep ignoring her demands and it will only self destruct and blow up in your face.

Plus after 6 months apart the love of my life is literally telling me to forget her & that we can never be together,

Yes listen to her and start to believe her and start working on why you refuse to let go and are willing to blame her for rejecting you.

She has told me to never contact her
again

So why are you not doing this? Do you realize what kind of corner that you have painted yourself into? She could get advice from someone telling her to file a restraining order on you or worse. She said she would call the police and tell them that you are harrassing her. Are you?

She told me to forget about her but she sees I’m on a dating site & she has a meltdown.

Because she has listened to your words and your own actions are opposite of what you have been saying. Do you see your own hypocrisy in all of this yet? I am sorry to be harsh but I believe there are two sides to a story and the real truth is somewhere in the middle.

Your own words condemn you now. You do need real help and are worth dealing with what is called trauma bonds to her. There is a really good book called the Betrayal bond by Patrick Carnes. It talks about the betrayal bonds and the trauma bonds and perhaps this is why you cannot get her out of your mind and are so obsessed with getting her back right now.

Everyone has been telling you what to do and that is you are being abused and used and yet you ignore everyone because of your obsession with getting her back. I am being blunt and honest with you but yes you have been messing up and I can understand her alot more now. You have not listened to her at all because it is all about what you want and dude you have already driven her away. Where is the cut off point for you? Where is this going right now for you and for her?

Please think long and hard about what I have said and really consider getting that book. I am glad that you are in therapy but does your therapist know you are there to prove a point to your girl and change for her.

If you were being honest it would not be such a mess right now. But you have been doing alot of wrong , dishonest things.

Thank you for telling the truth. I may be off in some things but I highly doubt it. You need to examine what all you have been doing to try to manipulate her back.

Love wants the best for another person that they claim to love. Had you respected her original choice I really think that things would be so much better between you. You have not been honest about yourself until today so there is hope for you still. Good luck.

 

[Supervixn]

At this point I wouldnt doubt her showing up at this forum just to berate you.

:/

 

[Justmehere]

You have taken a marvelous step forward in your life by starting that dating profile. Good on you for doing that.

You haven’t messed up any future chances with her. It’s absolutely unreasonable for her to expect you to not date even though you have broken up. Breaking up means now you BOTH can see other people. Her jealously is not love.

You can not ruin what wasn’t there.

Keep moving forward. :hug:

And leave her alone, stop messaging her, respect that bright and clear boundary, block her on all apps and sites — and ignore her if she messages you. She isn’t worth the jail time.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should look into codependency.

I fell for a codependent and it totally f*cked up my life. We aren’t cute little puppy dogs with a broken leg just begging to be fixed. At the end of the day it is up to ME and it is MY decision on how I heal. None of us need to be rescued or forced into healing because it’s what someone else wants.

That is, his past major relationships were ALL codependent. I had none as the thought of a rescuer made me BARF and I dumped them.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Well I don’t really know whether I’ve made a terrible mistake here or whether I’ve taken positive...

Please try not to feel too bad; I’ve been in somewhat of the same boat. My ex broke it off with me a month ago for no valid reason. Like you, I’ve read just move on and I e also read that ptsd causss certain behaviors, so I just don’t know what the hell to do either. I’ve apologies for something I did to my ex and he said he forgives me and all is well, he needs more time and he’s not ready to see me or speak to me. It’s hard not to take any of the behavior personally. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

 

[ByrnesT]

Thanks everyone as always.

I will to what other people have said when I have a little more time. But I’m sorry @Rain you have really got the wrong end of the stick of this whole situation. That’s not denial I can promise you. You have read this all wrong.

Now I have made mistakes in maybe slipping into this codependent situation possibly, I’m looking into that. Yes I want her to get help, I’ve never tried to force her tho. I’ve just recently tried to set it as a boundary but I’m new to it & not very good at it maybe. Maybe I haven’t always got it right when she’s told me to “never contact me again” yes. Only, she has said that every few days since I’ve known her & never actually meant it or acted on it herself. She is always back in touch or doesn’t even go anywhere in the first place. So yes I get why that’s a breaking of a boundary in many eyes, & that’s fine, but I get told it every other day only for her to keep coming back so it’s hard to always take it as real. But actuslly I have stopped contacting her on many many many occasions when she has said that, only for her to come back to pull me back in again within a few days. She uses abandoning me as a threat, not as her way to escape my clutches. Maybe I’m guilty of trying to save her yes, but it’s not so she can be to my standards. I might have been misguided & handled things poorly at times, but intent was only ever good cos this woman is drowning & I don’t want her to. I wouldn’t want anyone to.

But if you think she actually left me 6 months ago & I’ve just refused to let her go that is so very very mistaken sorry. She never actually went anywhere. Unfortunately you’ve painted me in such a light that I feel like whatever I say you’re going to be able to use my words back on me to show me as in denial now.

Believe it or not, I do appreciate you being honest cos that’s what I’m here for. And I have taken on certain truths that people have explained back to me about myself which is not always easy but I take it in & digest it. But I’m sorry, this is not refusing to think on myself, it’s just you’ve really misunderstood the entire situation. And this is not suddenly my honest account, everything I’ve ever written in this forum has been honest.

I’m genuinely afraid to speak now because as I say, the way you’ve portrayed me really boxes me into a corner. Every word I now say will only confirm me as an arrogant guy refusing to let her go, refusing to accept, living in denial, the answers are all there, etc. Only it really is not the truth. The truth is far more that she has been using me like a cat playing with a mouse for as long as I’ve known her. She has easily left me over 150 times in 2.5 years, the reason they never stuck is because she always came back & I always tried to pass this behaviour off as an illness & forgave someone who doesn’t actually see what she does as wrong. The only reason this break up has been 6 months is because I started to enforce more boundaries on what I was willing to take anymore. It is absolutely not 6 months because she’s been trying to escape & I haven’t let her go. And if you knew the situation better, you’d understand why it’s almost laughable that I have to explain that to anyone. She has come back on a few occasions during this 6 month period & I allowed her back in despite myself, only to be treated the exact same ways all over again. The difference was this time when I saw no efforts to change, I tried to enforce my boundaries. Not very well handled boundaries probably, but I tried.

I was actually with a friend the other day who is a psychologist. She lives away but she is aware of much that has happened & she’s known me me for 25 years & has met my (ex) partner. Believe me she would not pull any punches if she needed to tell me something. In fact, because she was only talking to me as a friend & not professionally she was maybe a little more forthcoming than she would have been if I was in her office for an appointment. I won’t go into too much detail but she told me I was being toyed with, that my sufferer is never going to break that control of me off. And believe me, knowing me as a person & everything I described to her about the relationship, her only concern was that I was allowing myself to be treated this way, not that I was the way you have described me here.

As I’ve said, whatever I say now, I think you will only see it through the eyes of “she clearly left you & you’re not letting her go - stalker alert!”. Once you’re looking through those lenses, very hard to see what I can say or do to convince you otherwise. But I promise you very sincerely you have taken this situation entirely the wrong way.