General What are they thinking?

[Freida]

@Warrior Chicken believe it or not this is a huge improvement for me. I used to have a go bag filled and ready to go at all times. It had everything -- money, credit cards, clothes, resume, job applications, you name it. Now I'm down to just "planning" How sad is it that this counts as a win?
:eek:

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Definitely counts as a win. But you can still have a go bag, you’ve just learned that you can modify the load list cuz you don’t need all that stuff. Some days I think we both feel we need all those things in the go bag though, it gets that bad sometimes.

I’m trying hard to understand that my supporter can have his own go bag, he can carry different things, and with both our go bags we survive longer. It’s a concept I’m struggling to understand right now, and that’s probably gonna get worse as the end of the month approaches. This is when I push everyone away because it’s my burden to carry, not theirs, and it just doesn’t compute that people would want to help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

^^ My vet made a go bag for me and I appreciated the gesture. That's downright romantic for him! I think once he started making the bag he logistically saw how the teamwork aspect of it could all work... who could carry what, etc. Once he got his hands physically on my bag he did better with the concept. Of course he still has an individual bag just in case.

He got the big brownie points when he made one for each of my kids from a previous relationship.

 

[Freida]

This is when I push everyone away because it’s my burden to carry, not theirs, and it just doesn’t compute that people would want to help.

Wow! You took the words right out of my mouth!

He got the big brownie points when he made one for each of my kids from a previous relationship

Yes he does!!

 

[Freida]

Ok supporters here's one for you - another blow by blow of my ptsd nonsense brain!

I just got massively triggered by something I read on here a bit ago - to the point that I couldn't stop shaking and crying. Hit me kind of upside the head. A year ago (oh who am I kidding - 6 months ago) I would have bolted out of the house and gone for a drive. But I have learned this doesn't work. Poor hubby knows there is nothing he can do so he kind of keeps my distance for the first 10 or 15 minutes. why? Because there is a good chance I will take it out on him -- some how my trigger becomes his problem and we are going to fight (distraction).

If he gives me a bit of time then he can come sit next to me and ask if I'm ok. But even after all these years he doesn't get very close to me. Close enough to hold my hand - -- from another chair. It took me about 30 minutes and then a xanex to calm down and in that whole time he barely spoke to me other than to ask if he could get me anything. But it was ok - because he was in the background. Not asking questions, not bugging me about what was wrong, not to try to "fix" anything. And he knew he couldn't because in a trigger like that I lose my words. I seriously can't speak about what is bothering me because I don't know how to feel or to verbalize it. I finally chilled out and then we could talk about how I felt or what I needed. NOT about what set me off because I don't discuss that with him ever and he knows better than to ask. then we are OK again.

I think if pushed me to try to talk I would bail Not because I was mad at him -- but because I needed to be in my head trying to sort it out......and i cant do that with noise in my head from the outside..

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Wow @Freida I know how much work it’s taken for both you and him to get to that point. You give me hope that we can make it too.
It’s not easy. I’m currently in the “you’re better off without me” stage and wanting to SPRINT and he’s not even here. Only see him on weekends cuz of work and this...

Question for sufferers: How do you explain to someone you love that when things are bad and you’re triggered you need space and being affectionate is impossible.

Question for supporters: how would you want to hear the above conveyed to you?

I also lose my words and have trouble explaining what I feel. The wall goes up and I try hard to not let anyone see that anything is wrong. So I direct the conversation back to you or to something other than me if I’m still on earth and not dissociating.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Question for sufferers: How do you explain to someone you love that when things are bad and you’re triggered you need space and being affectionate is impossible.

I have been in this situation before. I have said I am not up to that at this time, I have said I do not feel or want to do this. When I first went to therapy and learned about the incest with my dad, my husband thought what I needed was a romantic getaway to Catalina Island. Talk about mixed signals. That was the last thing I wanted but in the interests of the marriage I went along to keep the peace. Not the best option for either of us at the time either.

I struggle with things like this. But eventually we were able to come to a happy medium with each other. I still feel bad about the romantic getaway though.

 

[Hojay]

@Freida Even though I’m one of the feistier supporters on here, i want to say that I understand. We understand. I’m sure your partner does too. We wouldn’t still be here if we didn’t get it on some level, and all we can hope for is that our partners are doing the best they can. What you described above sounds just like it and your partner seems to see that as well. Thank you for letting us in on what goes on with you in those moments. As a supporter these kinds of posts are worth their weight in gold.

@Warrior Chicken I’m going to try and answer your question by breaking it down into three pillars I have found to make all the difference: tone, timing, temporarity.

When my SO needs space the tone in which he expresses that is crucial. What you want is to avoid giving your partner the feeling that it’s their fault or has anything to do with them, even when a fight with them triggered the need for space. So tone of voice is important. Yelling, screaming, hissy fitting will only convolute an already difficult situation and make it less likely your partner will leave you alone. “I love you, this really isn’t about anything you did or said, I hear what you are telling me. I have to take some time to minimize my input and hear myself again” can go a long way.

Timing is important in that it’s best to communicate a need for space before things have started escalating with your partner. I know it’s difficult to presage those episodes but it’s best to avoid parting in a fighting manner. I wish my SO would tell me he’s not up for talking that day, rather than have me try and trigger him in he process.

By temporarity I mean that’s it’s important to communicate that the need for space is temporary. I know it’s difficult to say how long one may need space, but giving your partner a sense of how long they are supposed to back off will make it easier for both of you to use the space constructively. Hope that helps in some way.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

How do you explain to someone you love that when things are bad and you’re triggered you need space and being affectionate is impossible.

Question for supporters: how would you want to hear the above conveyed to you?

I tried to be super supportive to my husband and say just the right thing and it always backfired on me. My last T and current T have told me the same thing. Just say it, especially to a guy. So much for diplomacy. ;) I always thought that making it sound nicer might work better for delivery. Hah. Not so. My husband prefers directness. It's why he married me. As he likes to say, "Don't butter me up. Lay it on me like it is."

 

[SamRuck]

Question for sufferers: How do you explain to someone you love that when things are bad and you’re triggered you need space and being affectionate is impossible.

I wonder if the real problem isn't 'affection' per se, but the kind of affection. When my wife and I first got into this, I thought sex was the answer and cure for ALL ills. However, I had to learn that for my wife, sex wasn't what she needed. She needed non-smothering affection, the kind a parent would give to a hurting child, and that did help her calm down. And once I learned that, it really helped her with her ptsd stuff.

 

[Sandstone]

Just an example of how irrational ptsd can make you --- even when you know that you are being irrational.

and none of it seemed irrational to my PTSD brain. I followed along with the logic until you pointed out it was twisted.

Thanks for this thread - useful for me as sufferer too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

As a supporter, just tell me, even if it's not so polite at the moment. Or work out a signal or something for it ahead of time. The biggest problem for me is sitting around wondering WTF kind of train it was that just ran me over.

Not knowing what's going on is the problem.