I feel like my issues are too complex to recover from

[Nessa7]

I feel like I don't even have a foundation to build a foundation on right now frankly. I've made all sorts of very manageable committments before, do breathing exercises for a couple minutes twice a day, do some stretches on an exercise ball once a day for a few minutes, do a few pushups a day, try to meditate for 10 minutes a day, super basic, easy, manageable and beneficial stuff if in a mindset even slightler calmer than mine. I also used to write down my feelings on a daily basis, sometimes write down my dreams. Without fail, every single time, I look at something that reminds me of what I was supposed to do, for example looking at the exercise ball or the journal, and realize I haven't done it for weeks, sometimes I avoid it, sometimes I straight up totally forget.

I would love to say something like "You know you're right, I will try this, 15 seconds 3 times a day, easy peasy", but I can't/won't do it, I've tried dozens of times with dozens of things, most of which were recommended to me directly by a professional, and I am never able to follow through with it. I have still never even attempted yoga, I was recommended yoga and given a dvd a long time ago, the closest I ever got to doing it was rolling out a mat and still not doing it. I just don't have control.

There are some things that people do to try to get over this issue. I put my stuff where I could not avoid seeing it. I sleep with my notebook. There are reminders throughout my living space. I have reminders hanging up on the inside of my closet and on a huge bullitin board. Other people need to ask someone else to hold them accountable. That's part of the idea behind DBT groups. I've participated in online challenges and enjoyed them.

 

[MyWillow]

You know...I really liked the insight of your last post @jameson . That’s pretty extraordinary for a young man.

I’m more than twice your age but I get the try, fail, try, fail stuff. I fall off the self-care wagon all the bloody time and yet I present to the world as a successful professional. It’s only now that my arse has been kicked to the kerb by a couple of random accidents that I’ve found myself in therapy. Not sure why “now” or why I’m there at all to be honest but I have finally figured out that failing is ok because I’m going to try one more time for every failure. The best thing I did was stumble on this forum when I was trying to understand my symptoms. This is one place that you will be validated for trying. Not necessarily succeeding. Not winning. But trying.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

There are some things that people do to try to get over this issue. I put my stuff where I could not avoid seeing it. I sleep with my notebook. There are reminders throughout my living space. I have reminders hanging up on the inside of my closet and on a huge bullitin board. Other people need to ask someone else to hold them accountable. That's part of the idea behind DBT groups. I've participated in online challenges and enjoyed them.

I put the most fun and most cathartic exercise literally hanging in plain site in my bedroom and I still couldn't do it. I have no aversion about boxing a punching bag, its fun, its valuable, its hard, its super easy too, you can literally just walk past it and punch it. Yet there's just something about chronic dissociation, I walk past it over and over again, but I feel like if I interact with it I will break the dissociation, and whatever I'm avoiding by dissociating will all hit me at once. The worse part is that its correct, when I feel that way, challenge my fear by just doing it anyway, everything that's normally being numbed out hits me and it feels horrible. Doesn't matter if its breathing deeply, punching a bag, walking outside, if I try to do anything besides what I normally feel like doing that happens. Often I cannot even commit to watching tv shows because that's not part of what I normally do, even though it is nearly identical to what I normally do and takes even less effort.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you talked to your protectors? Have you asked what they need? Have you asked what they want? Have you asked them to stand down? Have you assured them that SELF can handle the pain of the exiles?

 

[ninja]

Thanks for your patience and persistence here. I am learning from you.
I think love and kindness can take various forms. It doesn't mean getting closer to the monster and being gentle and kind with it necessarily. Sometimes it means putting some boundaries in place. Because no matter what constitutes the monster it does not get to take over you. I understand you feel like it already has a solid grip, but just as an out-of-control child can be helped to learn boundaries the monster can learn to respect you also. You can demand respect from it in a way that is not mean, just firm. If this resonates at all, what kinds of interactions help you to feel respected? Do you feel like you've given it boundaries? Would you like to give it some?

 

[ms spock]

I probably will, sucks big time always starting days off badly because I start every day waking up from a nightmare.

***nods*** I am in exactly the same situation at the moment. It does suck.

I would love to say something like "You know you're right, I will try this, 15 seconds 3 times a day, easy peasy", but I can't/won't do it, I've tried dozens of times with dozens of things, most of which were recommended to me directly by a professional, and I am never able to follow through with it.

I am not suggesting 15 seconds because that is something that I think is easy. I found 15 seconds excruciating. If you can't do 15 seconds then do 10 or 5 or 2 seconds. Nothing about this is easy peasy. Until I read your posts I didn't realise how stuck I was again, so thanks so much for your honesty. I really feel for you, and I might not have anything to suggest of value for you at this time. You are posting in this thread, so you are still trying. Go you! That is impressive. Those Catch 22s are <insert swear words here>. And if you can't do anything right now then it is hang on time. Hang on until you can do a few seconds each day. Not much help I know. And to be in the shit place that you are in, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I think that you are extremely unwell to the point that you really do need hospitalisation.

I think you are in a high level of denial about how dysfunctional you are, but when I was like that I wouldn't listen to anyone.

I didn't trust anyone, or myself either. The corrosive self doubt is a hard one.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

Have you talked to your protectors? Have you asked what they need? Have you asked what they want? Have you asked them to stand down? Have you assured them that SELF can handle the pain of the exiles?

They all basically want the same thing, love and safety. None of them can trust. A combination of the fact that every time they trusted externally they were hurt, and the fact that every time they've trusted me-internally-they've been hurt, means that I cannot give them what they need. I can't assure them that I can handle it, I can't. I can assure them that it would be easier to deal with if we worked together, and that we can relieve the burden, but that doesn't change very much.

Thanks for your patience and persistence here. I am learning from you.
I think love and kindness can take various forms. It doesn't mean getting closer to the monster and being gentle and kind with it necessarily. Sometimes it means putting some boundaries in place. Because no matter what constitutes the monster it does not get to take over you. I understand you feel like it already has a solid grip, but just as an out-of-control child can be helped to learn boundaries the monster can learn to respect you also. You can demand respect from it in a way that is not mean, just firm. If this resonates at all, what kinds of interactions help you to feel respected? Do you feel like you've given it boundaries? Would you like to give it some?

I think that you are extremely unwell to the point that you really do need hospitalisation.

I don't agree and I don't see the value. I cannot hold a job and I can't do much in general, but the freedom is still there for me, I in theory can still do what I want I just don't generally. I still see friends and talk to people, I just don't do much. I don't think there's any advantage for me to be in that kind of environment.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

Thanks for your patience and persistence here. I am learning from you.
I think love and kindness can...

That part of me has learned to be extremely manipulative and tactical, often to the point where I'll do very subtle manipulative things without even consciously being aware of it on a very regular basis. In that sense I do set boundaries, if I catch that the reason I'm doing something is some clever manipulative strategy that my "monster" protective part is trying to use to get something it wants, I will usually stop myself from doing it, to avoid doing too much damage to my external life. When it comes to me, alone, living out my day to day life, he has full control, I can't really set boundaries or stop him at all unless I'm interacting with people.

 

[mumstheword]

You have a lot of self awareness. Way more than I did at your age.
I'm in a much milder freeze mode than you at the moment but I'm in one too. They do utterly suck.
I've found a good hospital to go to, finally.
Waiting for an admission.
I relate to your fear and aversion of psych hospitals and psych meds.
I used pot for years and other such ethnobotanicals. But have never been able to commit to psych meds either.
Have you read Pete Walkers book C-ptsd from surviving all to thriving?
I'm reading it now, he really knows what he's talking about.

I've done a lot of crying, singing, cardio, mindfulness courses and classes, some primal screaming at times, TRE, yoga classes; home yoga I'm not so good at, similar issues to yourself and I'm so much better than I've ever been but struggling with freeze/hide mode (abusive neighbor emotional flashback trigger).

I think you need some more relational support. You're spending a lot of time zoning out by yourself.

Different kinds of Art therapy have been very effective for me it started with drama and theatre, then dancing, music making with others, vocals, percussion, drumming, drawing. Drumming is very good. Even start by listening, maybe get something percussive. Try it, it puts you in an altered state, a healthy one. Chanting or toning can help too. When I was psychotic and petrified-paranoid I sang a lot so's not to listen to the terrifying voices in my head. Sometimes you have to ignore the voices. Some of them are full of shit.
Just because you're thinkin' it, doesn't make it so.
I've had a shit tonne of excruciating crap and symptoms but I made a choice that I wasn't going to opt out because I'm too f*cking considerate to others.
I've done a lot of thinking of others and doing for others when I felt like I was a lost cause, it helped. Extreme self focus can suck balls when symptoms are really bad.
Please keep coming back here and communicating. We do get it, it's really, really awful. I just resorted to a bit of pot after 7 years without as I just needed a break from symptoms and mine aren't even as bad as yours coz of the years and years of doing lots of stuff, but still, it gets to you when there's no let up for ages and it's worse and worse.

I'm truly feeling for you @jameson

 

[EveHarrington]

They all basically want the same thing, love and safety. None of them can trust. A combination of the f...

Are you sure?

SELF by definition isn’t going to hurt a protector or an exile. It sounds like you have another protector in the way that is doing you damage.

If as you say, you are untrustworthy, then no wonder your system is in chaos. It’s your job to become trustworthy and calm the system so that SELF is at the wheel.

 

[Ms Priss]

I hesitated to respond to this thread because I feel very much like the poster.

First let me say this as it is my truth. I am very happy for those who are able to take medications that help them and have the resources to find good mental health help, I just wish there could be a better understanding that is not the case for everyone here.

When I was 19 yrs. old back when mental health was in the dark ages, my mother had me committed to a state psychiatric hospital...back then anyone could have you committed for any reason...her reason was she hated me, and it was an easy way to get rid of me...has taken me forever to come to terms with that reality. I have only recently (am 66 yrs. old) started to try to process the pain of that...my mother just throwing me away; am not making much headway with it.

At any rate I would like to talk some about what it was like in those places at that time...I blocked a lot of it out and really no one ever wanted to know anyway. To me it would compare to a Russian gulag. We were all there...the totally insane, the criminally insane, and the rest of us. I think it would be safe to say if you were not sick and damaged when you went in, you would be when you came out. We had no voice. Basically were warehoused, drugged, treated like animals, transported by underground tunnels. The treatment of the day was shock treatments...it was a production line. People were lined up on metal carts and shocked...I would say I had somewhere around 60 of them. To the point I did not have any ability to think anymore. A lot of those people had already been there for decades, but then when they closed those places down they were released. I was released after 2 yrs. My mother would not let me come home so I was sent to a city I knew nothing about. I would like to say things went well. But the way I coped(??!!) was to use alcohol as a means of escape. I gave that up when I was 36, but I have never recovered really.

What is amazing to me is how many times I returned to the mental health system when times got tough with not much better results.
The medications were disaster for me and trauma was never brought up...just labels and more labels and drugs and more drugs.

I have a distaste for that system so much and do not trust the drugs. To me it is like going back to an abusive partner. I know the system has improved greatly in that now trauma is being recognized and treated. In fact I have been seeing a trauma counselor but we are getting nowhere because I am too afraid.

I have the most violent/hostile inner critic(controller). It is unrelentless. It is like if I think a good thought about me it has a virulent response like it is a cardinal sin. I have been trying very hard to be kind, gentle and compassionate with me and trying to do what appears would help in healing, but it is such a war that a lot of the time I cannot do it. I have become a virtual recluse and am maintaining but not really functioning. So on the days I cannot do the self-care, I figure if I do not do anything destructive that is a good day. But I get the point you bring up about doing self-care when your system responds with violence. They say just to keep doing it that sooner or later it will stick.

You are young, and I believe with everything that you can turn this around. I do not know about me...I have lived this so long most of the time it feels like a losing battle...but I will keep trying...although any more it is a pretty half-hearted try.

 

[Abstract]

What about starting a thread specifically about this difficulty you are dealing with with internal conflict. No one here thinks this is it for you. You don't have to believe things can change. Just take one thing and start discussing it and you don't know where that could lead.

I also think it may be wise thinking/considering just the meds for nightmares. Believe me I understand resistance to meds. I did that for a long time and I am still not keen on them. Am not on any psych meds now. Also terrified of anything that feels sedating. However, I have come to accept that a certain amount of sleep is absolutely essential for functionality. I went a year with 1 hour a night on average and I won't let myself do that again if I can help it. If you can sleep a little better then the overwhelm may lessen just enough for you to make progress with the rest. Nothing is lost from discussing this with a psychiatrist. Why not just go and see what you think thereafter.

You could post separate threads on these two points if you wanted to. Just break it down and start discussing these things. Don't write yourself off.