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Relationship Rollercoaster

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Bee

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Advice needed please!!
I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can, I met a guy a year ago, who never hid the fact he had PTSD due to a number of reasons but the main one being he was hit head on while on a bike, he had to learn to walk and talk again and said weeks after this he felt like he had no emotions and just didn’t care, this was 5 yrs ago,
His behaviour cost him he s marriage to which he ended up attempting his own life and being sectioned.
I was uneducated about what PTSD really is and from meeting him in the January till the end of May I hadn’t noticed anything until we was meant to be attending a wedding, he ignored my calls and I contacted his mum out of concern, who was worried about this, she contacted the hospital and that’s where he was, he had gone by himself, turns out he hadn’t attended work for the last few days and the worry of attending a wedding had brought on a suicide attempt. He was sectioned again and I stood by him, he stayed with me after being discharged, things was fine for a few weeks until he went to his “dark place” as he called it again and left to stay at his mums house while she was on holiday. I went to visit him and he said he didn’t feel he was in a place for a relationship and that he had to go back to square one, which although upset me I knew it was best for him, I was prepared to walk away, but he contacted me a few days later and said, I cannot walk away I’m crazy about you, yet again we was ok-ish until a few weeks before Christmas, he went back to his mums and cut contract for a few days, said he was having his Christmas wobble now, which I do understand, then four nights in a row he said he was coming to see me then had a excuse that he couldn’t, just before Christmas I discovered I was pregnant, it was hard keeping this to myself but I knew he was down, his son was due to visit and I didn’t want to add any pressure on him, a week later I suffered a miscarriage, fast forward 3 weeks and I’d still heard nothing from him so I returned his belongings, my plan was to leave them on his mums backdoor, didn’t go to plan as he was in the garden. He asked me if I was ok like nothing had ever happened, I told him about the miscarriage and he actually asked me if I was making it up, my god that hurt me, he then said sorry right away, he knows I’d never do anything like that. But yet again when on to say he isn’t in a place for a relationship, that he’s been doing everything that people expected from him, that hurt to, but as I was leaving he said there was things he needed to say but he needed to digest our conversation first, that was a few days ago, I text him today to ask if he had, had time to do this , I felt the response I got deflated me “ not really feeling great tbh”

Things really don’t add up, in the last year I’ve been with him I’ve never met his son, instead of staying at my 3 bed house they stayed at his mums 1 bed bungalow, ???
How can anyone say their feeling great after being told their partner has lost a child??
Although he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship etc, he had put in text leading up to Christmas that he was sorry he was down and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me it’s just he couldn’t seem to get out the dark place, he missed me, was looking forward to seeing me.
Am I just completely wasting my time with this guy ???
 
Advice needed please!!
I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can, I met a guy a year ago, who never hid th...
Greetings @Bee

Your story is so heart-rendering. Like yourself, my story sounds pretty much the same, however, no pregnancy. I’m so sorry to read this and hear of your plight which sounds so traumatic at this time. I’ve known my ex for about eight years and we were always friends, however, we decided to start dating last December 2016, and it started out extremely nice. Around mid August, I lost my job, and a week later, I lost him. He went to get solace from his ex which completely destroyed my confidence. In September he asked me to assist him with filing a TPO against his ex and he wanted me to go to court with him, which I did (didn’t go well at all). Since then, he’s needed me for several different things he had to do between October and November, so I helped as much as I could, only for him to go into complete isolation from me right before Thanksgiving. We’ve had very little contact since then and it’s been extremely hard to not contact him at all. I’ve sent a few emails and text messages here and there and he’s replied once or twice basically telling me he needs more time and can’t speak to or see me now. That’s all i have to go on for now.

I hope you can find the light at the end of the tunnel as I’m trying to do. I want to stand by and wait for him in case he is able to come out of that dark place, however, I’m also interested in my own well-being at this time. I love my ex with all my heart and I really hate ptsd for interrupting our beautiful friendship and relationship. Remember, ptsd causes symptoms of which we can’t explain; if I didn’t get that before, I get it now. My ex may be out there galavanting from one bed to another, using drugs, drinking, etc., and I now understand why; the lack of proper coping techniques. That’s why therapy is so very important for them. Again, I wish you the very best in your situation.
 
Thank you for your reply, I take some comfort knowing I’m not in this situation alone, I am trying to get on with day to day things as best as I can and luckily have a excellent support network in my friends but it’s hard trying to explain about PTSD when they just don’t get it.
Best wishes for you B.J
 
He's literally fighting for his life right now. I wouldn't expect him to have any energy left to spare on you. This can be the case longterm with PTSD. It can be very hard to deal with as a partner - especially when you go through a crisis like a miscarriage and he STILL doesn't have any energy to spare on you. Only you can decide whether you can cope with supporting him and getting very little - if any - support back.

I would have a very long think about what you need and want from a relationship. Don't stay with him hoping it will get better. Evaluate it as it is right now. Are you going to be ok with it if it NEVER gets any better?
 
He's literally fighting for his life right now. I wouldn't expect him to have any energy left to spare o...
I don’t expect anything from him I NEVER HAVE, that’s the point I have ALWAYS supported him, but for the first time in a Year I needed to vent MY thoughts
 
He told you he's not ready for a relationship. I'd take him at his word. And my guess is you haven't met his son for the same reason....He's not ready for a relationship.

He just got out of the hospital for a suicide attempt. The last thing he needs is to worry about how he let you down or that he's hurting your feelings.

I'd let him work on his recovery and leave him be for now. Research PTSD and PTSD relationships. The supporters section has valuable information and check out the PTSD stress cup. It's a very helpful piece of information.

Relationships are stress. Even good stress is still stress.

Good luck!
 
Hi @Bee... I'm sorry your having to deal with this behaviour....

I honestly feel your guy needs more help.. Therapy... Work on himself...

I can feel that of course he wants to be with you... But is too afaird, scared to let you see him at certain points.
I have PTSD and totally understand the need to get away for a few weeks.. When everything gets on top of me... When I'm stressed.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying what he has done to you is right and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage....

It's up to him to change his behaviour or communicate better to you what he is feeling. I honestly dont know if things will change.

It always good for your own sanity to read up on ptsd and of course we all will help as much as we can. Take care..
 
He told you he's not ready for a relationship. I'd take him at his word. And my guess is you haven't me...
Agreed he did say he wasn’t ready and I was prepared to walk away if it’s what was best for him but he decided he couldn’t let go, I also have a son , I thought it was a little unfair he met mine, he pushed for that but I didn’t meet his, all I’m saying is, what he , think, wants, and does is misleading
 
Hi @Bee... I'm sorry your having to deal with this behaviour....

I honestly feel your...
I have researched and researched on PTSD and trust me I’ve learnt a few things along the way, him to communicate more is all I wanted, we did go to counciling once, he asked me to go and even sit in on it, he did so well in that session but then decided things wasn’t going quick enough for him and never went back, what I find hard to understand is if you have all the support there around you, why not use it?
 
I have researched and researched on PTSD and trust me I’ve learnt a few things along the way, him to comm...

I don't know but one thing I've been thinking about is his suicide attempts... Maybe right now his needs to sort all of that first... And then have a relationship. You've done a hell of alot for him......... Anyone would want that kind of support for themselves..... It's really up to you...
 
This is going to sound cruel, but it's honest. I think maybe you feel like some of the advice you're getting is cold, but it's from people who have been in relationships for YEARS with PTSD sufferers and know what the rollercoaster is like.

He can't even handle his own emotions right now, so he definitely can't handle dealing with yours. It's not that he doesn't want to... it's that he cannot. Just. Plain. Cannot. That is going to happen when somebody has PTSD.

This isn't like any relationship you've ever had before. Your partner has a mental illness. He is unwell. Sometimes he is not going to be able to participate in a relationship even if he loves you. Sometimes he will not be able to "pull his weight" as a partner. Somethings he will not be able to do at all. He may never be able to deal with your sadness, grief, anger, or other emotions. That's just the reality of the situation.

That's why when you ask if you're wasting your time, the advice is to reevaluate what your needs are in a relationship. You cannot control anything but yourself in this world, so the advice is to look at your own actions. It is more than acceptable to have your own needs, and to decide that in order to be happy they have to be met. You do not have to be a martyr for love. Love isn't going to fix anything in a situation like this. PTSD is not curable. He's always going to have it. So when people ask you to think about what you need, it's with this in mind. He may never be able to emotionally support you. Are you going to be able to function in a relationship like that? Some people have personalities that are compatible with that and some people do not. Even if you're pretty comfortable with it, you're still going to be hurt at times. Can you not take things personally? Some personalities are more sensitive than others. It is important to be honest with yourself.

For a lot of supporters there is a learning curve. It sounds from your description he has hidden the worst of it from you when he is symptomatic. I know you've been together for a year, but it is still very new if you've only been cognizant of his symptoms since May. We all go through a honeymoon phase in the beginning before we start to see the PTSD at work. It takes time to get the hang of it, and just when you do it all changes again.
 
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