Relationship Rollercoaster

[Bee]

Your right, some of the comments I’ve received I’ve found very cold, as I feel I’ve supported this guy with no expectation in return.
I’ve given 100% , and he can’t or won’t follow the counciling/hospital appointments , or advice
Yes I do deserve better!!!

 

[Hojay]

I can feel your anger here, and it's 100 percent justified for what you're experiencing. I had a conversation on here a while back about how dealing with or learning more about our partner's PTSD can leave you feeling duped. That feeling is real. Then, with time, you can slowly starting figuring out that "intention" matters. In other words, the anger and duped-feeling I experienced came from a place of somehow thinking my SO deliberately hurt me in this way, withheld information, or knowingly manipulated be for his own gain. It quickly dawned on me that I was holding him up to my standard of what normal, healthy behavior within a relationship should be. I had been holding on to that standard with such determination (despite knowing what PTSD does to a person!,) I think it started to morph more into denial about his mental illness. Once I dropped the denial and firmly, confidently said out loud "He has a mental illness," the anger became more manageable. As did my outlook for our relationship. To this day I'm trying to answer the questions "Can I live with XYZ? Or not." It takes time and experiences, a lot of honesty, disappointment, sometimes rays of hope, a lot of self examination, and realism. We didn't ask to be in this, but likewise, nobody is asking us to be in this. And our partner's "not wanting to let us go" doesn't count. Sometimes they're in just as much denial as we are. This is hard as hell, I know. You're not alone.

 

[Buttercup]

Great post @Hojay and exactly what I have learned myself recently.

 

[grimalkin]

My journey for the last year has been a lot of "What do *I* want in a relationship?" I've been attempting to wrap my head around the idea that I'm allowed to have wants, desires, and needs, and that it doesn't make me a bad person to have them, or even to *gasp!* pursue those wants, desires, and needs. That it's ok for me to need support from my spouse after the death of my father (and to be so very angry at my spouse for deciding he was done being married, right when I needed him the most). And that, regardless of the reason behind my spouse's behavior, I can demand better, and walk away when he's not living up to his end of the bargain of marriage.

Where am I going with all this? Basically, it's taken me a year of hard work, self-reflection, therapy, and general crap to get it through my head, and really live and believe, that the only person I can control is myself. And that it doesn't matter one whit what the other person *says* they want to be (happy, healthy, and/or with me by their side)....it matters what they are DOING to get there. No amount of my crying, begging, pleading, or bargaining is going to heal my ex. Only he can heal himself. Just like only I can heal myself. It doesn't matter that he promised me anything.

Some advice sounds harsh - it's coming from places of experience. Hell, I still don't know what to do - I feel like I'm enabling him still because he still has me in his life, and doesn't have to do a thing to keep me there, because my expectations for him have become so low. But, I also have pretty low expectations from people to begin with (yet something else I'm working on! I think it goes along with I'm allowed to have wants, desires, and needs).

But I do know that, no really, we, as supporters, really do have to decide, sometimes hour to hour, what we want, desire, and need, and what we are willing to do (or not do) to have them met, and what we are willing to tolerate from our sufferers. It really is all up to each of us. And all we can offer someone else in the same shoes? Advice and flat out saying "It may not get better. You have to decide if you can live with this, as it is, or if you need more. If you need more, you may need to move on."

 

[Hojay]

Amen @grimalkin. And hats off to you for going through all that. I'm sure it's still hard at times, but man, it must feel good to "feel" yourself again, huh?

 

[grimalkin]

Amen @grimalkin. And hats off to you for going through all that. I'm sure it's still hard at times, but man, it must feel good to "feel" yourself again, huh?

Yes, yes it does. At first I felt guilty at feeling a bit relieved.

As time passes, the relief is getting to be stronger, and the guilt is going away. Now if I could just figure out how to....well I don't want to cut the cord. Or do I? Ugh! :cautious:

 

[Hojay]

@grimalkin oh yes, relief! I think you know it has run its course when you feel some relief after a while. Nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you've just come out of the proverbial fog. Who says you have to sever all ties? I think these relationships are so complicated, it's a step by step kind of business. Depending on how enmeshed you guys were (I think I remember you mentioning financial and housing ties somewhere?) it's probably a lot about weighing complete freedom against a sense of responsibility for someone on a purely human level. Of course, that has its limits too. I'm inclined to believe it boils down to a question of personal integrity--which option (keeping ties or severing them) will allow you most to keep it intact?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I understand the rollercoaster just as much as anyone else; however, what do you do after getting off of the ride and you still have the initial feelings you had for your current/former partner? I’ve discovered the relief of not having the ups and downs as before because we’re currently not speaking or seeing each other, but my feelings remain the same as before. I know he’s not healthy enough for me to try and maintain a relationship with, but I do still love him. So, although the rollercoaster is something I never want to experience again, I don’t have a clue as to how I should handle the aftermath. I welcome any replies from all supporters and sufferers.

 

[Buttercup]

@B.J. I think that is a good question to anyone who has lost a relationship with someone they love and with someone they perhaps don't want to lose. It is a very hard thing to deal with! It takes time, of course. Number one is acceptance, I think. Acceptance that the relationship is over and that person is no longer in your life in that capacity.

One thing i have done when I have been broken up with or pushed out and away, is to accept that it is over. And it made me feel better to tell myself that it's over even if that only means that version of that relationship is over, so that if we reconnected, I was not going back to the relationship as it once was.

But acceptance is key and it hurts and it is not easy. I know from one of your previous posts that you have some guilt as well. So I think forgiving yourself would be the first step. After that, you can move to forgiving him. Forgiveness and acceptance.

And i am repeating myself, but I highly recommend meditation. I can't tell you how much that has helped me in so many areas.

 

[Sighs]

some of the comments I’ve received I’ve found very cold, as I feel I’ve supported this guy with no expectation in return.
I’ve given 100% , and he can’t or won’t follow the counciling/hospital appointments , or advice

No one is questioning your support or your level of commitment. But clearly you did have an expectation in return - even if it was only that he would follow the advice of his treating health professional and TRY to "get better".

Our comments are cold because we face the harsh reality daily - that no amount of love, support or commitment can cure PTSD. That is the cold hard truth.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t expect anything from him I NEVER HAVE

Wrong.

From day one a relationship is full of expectations. Like it or not, that’s just life.

If you weren’t expecting anything you wouldn’t be frantically posting on a ptsd website about the state of this relationship.

 

[Sweetpea76]

From day one a relationship is full of expectations. Like it or not, that’s just life

This is true. It's human nature. Everybody has expectations when they start a relationship. If they didnt have good expectations they wouldn't enter into the relationship in the first place.

@Bee I would challenge your thinking a little. Bear with me.

Expecting a "normal" emotional response or a traditional relationship progression is an expectation. I think that is a strong expectation you have.

that he’s been doing everything that people expected from him, that hurt to,

You said he was hurting you because "he thinks he's doing everything that people expect", but clearly you think not. For example, he didn't comfort you when you told him you had a miscarriage. He is not being vulnerable with you by letting you meet his son. These are things that you expect.

When your partner has a handicap and you choose to be in a relationship with them, you have to change your expectations. Consider this... my vet is physically disabled from combat as well. I can't get irritated or upset with him because I always have to carry in the groceries by myself. Would expecting your partner to help in any other circumstance be reasonable? Hell yeah, they better help. However, my partner can't do it. His injuries prevent it.

A symptom of PTSD is emotional numbing. He's not going to react to emotions the same way you'd expect him to.

Something else I just noticed...

not really feeling great tbh”

How can anyone say their feeling great after being told their partner has lost a child??

Could this be a miscommunication? There is a difference between "not really... feeling great!" And "not (really) feeling great".