My T keeps telling me that my family knows (not my official diagnosis). She says that they know that mom is different, that I get edgey and sometimes disconnect. She actually encouraged me to tell them that I have an anxiety disorder, which is true. I heard my youngest tell my mom at Christmas, “yeah, mom does that, she hides back there, every day.” (Alone time in bedroom mid day). My husband knows that I have ptsd, and is currently frustrated about the time and expense of therapy and my p-doc.
So faking it for me with family includes a different label, “anxiety disorder.” And it helps explain my need for alone time of noise reduction in the house.
However... at work, faking it includes grounding my way through wooden doors. Not using the restroom during passing periods when kids are everywhere in the hallways coming from all directions. Making up a story to a kid that noticed my hand was shaking really bad because the empty hallway had mysteriously just morphed into my dorm building hallway and I had to walk through it to get into the Music wing.
This is stuff I manage on a daily basis. I stop by the ocean twice a week, to breathe. I walk my dog every day, to breathe. I tried to add tv back in and quickly learned that the shows that interest me are too risky and unpredictable. Self care, my T reminds me about it every week.
Despite all of my daily challenges at work, I can also hyper focus on what I do. It can essentially give me a break from my mental illness. Also, playing and teaching an instrument involves long tones which is the perfect grounding exercise. Hell, any part of playing an instrument is grounding. And in that regard, despite the negative voices in my head telling me that people hate me and I am not good enough, I tend to be very successful in what I do.
@EveHarrington in case you are concerned about my ptsd status, I had three separate mental health professionals (a PhD psychologist, a trauma/emdr therapist and psychiatrist) diagnose me with late onset PTSD. I filled out three different questionnaires. The one that was very specific for ptsd scores me in the military range which is required to be a higher number due to their training. Civilians were labeled at a 40, (military 50) my score was a 58.
My functioning has been improving as I have conquered some things through emdr and learning techniques and grounding from people on this site and my T. Plus I read books that give greatly supportive ideas. I have only been “blessed” with one pretty bad episode that knocked out my ability to function for a few days. That is why my therapist sent me to the p-doc.
Eve, I sincerely hope that this helps with your concerns.
