Feeling depressed and overwhelmed past memories

[Pronolo]

I badly need to tell my therapist the full story about what happened to me. I am terrified though that she will say it doesn't justify my mental health issues because the person who did it was a kid too.. she knows enough to know what it is and has jumped between its abuse and its not classed as abuse because they were the same age which is so confusing.
i do need to talk about what i was forced to do though. its weighing on me so much. Not just this one but i have a multiple traumas and extremely distressing experiences also.
it all feels so overwhelming because i dont think there is ever going to be enough time in the world to talk through them all, and the ways they have affected me.
Especially the main trauma. The idea of getting up the courage to say the words of what happened, then tell the story, and then calm down enough to leave her office, without self harming later, or being so out of it i walk in front of cars and nearly get run over... its just terrifying.
I am so distressed at the moment and I am in a depressive episode also. I feel at a loss here. I feel so alone and I feel so afraid to reach out, even to my therapist who is lovely and competent, because of having been accused of attention seeking and lying in the past and having my trauma dismissed as "experiementing". Its just too much

 

[Ehuwog]

I am terrified though that she will say it doesn't justify my mental health issues because the person who did it was a kid too..

There is so much abuse on this forum it’s easy to start thinking that PTSD has to come from abuse, or be a deliberate crime (ie be done by an adult). It doesn’t. Setting aside all the car accidents, house fires, natural disasters, and acts of war for a moment;

If a 3yo stabs you with a knife? No court in the world is going to convict them of assault with a deadly weapon. They’ve still stabbed you with a knife. All the consequences for you are still there.

Same if another child sexually assaults you.

It can be a little wacky when a trauma is committed by someone who cannot -by any reasonable means- be held responsible for it. Young children are a good example. They honestly don’t know any better, and can’t be expected to. But how about the lady who had a heart attack whilst driving and caused a multi-car collision? Or the parent who slips in the kitchen getting boiling water all over themselves and their kid? Tragedies happen. Accidents happen. Just because the person who caused it had no malicious intent doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. People died, lost people they loved, lives were ruined, injuries sustained, List goes on. Nor does it mean that the people hurt by them won’t be angry with them (and then feel bad for feeling angry, or not, and then angry at everyone who isn’t angry with them like they are)... it often gets MORE confusing and difficult when there “isn’t” (is / isnt / is too / is not) someone to blame, not less.

Can you imagine someone saying “The building didn’t mean to hurt you, so that it fell on you & trapped you for a week shouldn’t bother you.” To an earthquake victim? I’m sure some idiot probably has sometime, somewhere. But let’s work off the assumption your therapist isn’t an idiot, yeah?

Especially the main trauma. The idea of getting up the courage to say the words of what happened, then tell the story, and then calm down enough to leave her office, without self harming later, or being so out of it i walk in front of cars and nearly get run over... its just terrifying.

Maybe work on that, in therapy? Describe what you’re afraid of happening so that you can work out plans of how to go about doing so without those things happening?

 

[Pronolo]

@ Ehuwog Yeah that makes a lot of sense. My therapist isn't an idiot and is very kind and compassionate. You are right there. I was thinking of asking her for a once off double session to make telling about this particular trauma safe.