I don't know what to do for the best - final sessions & transference

[Emotional girl]

I live in the UK and have been seeing my T for nearly 9 months which on the NHS is quite a long time as usually it is normanlly 3-4 months but because of the nature of my childhood I think my T wanted to help me for longer.

I have a really close relationship with my T but I also have a problem with transference/love and attachment towards him which he is aware of and we have discussed in the past. I am realistic to know that nothing will ever happen between us but at the same time it still doesn't stop me from having feelings for him.

We are coming to the end of our sessions and I am finding it hard to deal with.A few weeks ago we decided we will cut down my sessions so I get used to not seeing him as much and preparing me for my final session.Well this is the first week coming up that I won't see him and to be honest I am really struggling and feel so low.I just miss him and I really do not know how I am going to cope when we finally finish.

This is not the first time I have felt like this in therapy ,10 years ago nearly to the precise time I had exactly the same thing and feelings for another male therapist and I got so distressed about the end of my relationship with him that I planned my suicide and had to have a crisis team visit me.That T never talked me through endings and that is why I struggled so much with the end of our sessions.

My current T is aware of the situation of what happened 10 years ago and he has told me that he wants this ending with him to be a good one and he wants me to be able to look back on our relationship as a positive experience and I want that as well.

However I am so scared that history is going to repeat itself and I am going to feel suicidal again when my last session comes around.

In my eyes I have two choices when it comes to my therapy I either finish on the date that he has set for me or ring up and cancel the rest of my sessions and never see him again.Both have risks for different reasons and to be honest I would prefer to finish on our final date and say goodbye properly and be able to say thank you to him but at the moment it just seems so hard thinking about it .

I have written him a 5 page essay for when I see him next telling him exactly how I feeling about my transference, attachment and abandonment and the fact that I have found it difficult not seeing him just for a week, say if he reads it and he can't help me and I still struggle.

I feel so lonely and confused by it all and the one person I want to speak to about it all I can't.I really not sure what to do next .....

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I have never ended therapy so I can't speak from experience with that, but I can totally see how this could cause stress and worry for you. I am very attached to mine and also been seeing him 9 months, but in those 9 months, I have refused any sort of conversation about ending therapy, I tell him to stop and we do. It's the most emotionally charged topic for me and I can't handle it, but I've decided that I need to bring it up very soon because I've struggle with all the worries and such for so long, I need some mental relief

Now, I am not familiar with how different UK is with stuff but I know many T's in the USA allow you to return down the road if need be or some will even allow update emails from time to time etc, is this the stuff your's would do? Maybe consider asking him. I think it is fantastic he has given you more time than normal and that he wants it to go a good experience. I am sorry I have no useful info really but I do support you and I can only imagine how tough it is at this point, knowing the end is close... hugs to you

 

[EveHarrington]

I’d try and work through the taper as it sounds like he could help you navigate these waters. It’s going to be rough, no doubt, but hopefully this time you’ll get through it ok. Hugs.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you both very much for your support.In the UK based on my experience once your sessions are finished then you are discharged and basically it is quite rare that you get to see that person again.
I just have this constant pain in my heart at the moment and I wish it would stop.
I think you are right that I have to work through my problems with him but it is just so hard having to wait a extra week to see him.

 

[MyWillow]

I only have therapy every fortnight (private so $$$). Less when my T is away. Nearly killed me for the first year especially because I had to learn all these new words like dissociation, amnesia, flashbacks, trauma but it has forced me to figure out my own coping skills (with help from my T). After the Christmas break I’m back again next week. It was not an easy time but I feel stronger for it because...well...I’m still here. I think what you’re feeling sounds normal. That really annoying thing they say...the only way out is through...I think I’m finally starting to get it.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much.I know you are right about being stronger than you think you are ,it is just in my head the rational and irrational have these battles and unfortunately alot of the time for me the irrational thoughts win.
Maybe I need to help to listen to the rational thoughts more.

 

[watundah]

I quit my T in June. I still think about her every day. It's like any other loss...you grieve, you long, you miss that person.
One thing that helps me to keep things in perspective is the reminder that this is a relationship that was never meant to be indefinite.
We have to eventually let go. Look at the wealth of personal growth and support you've obtained from this person and carry that with you. That's what it's all about. It is hard, it really is, but like every other "break up", it just takes time. Hang in there.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much.You are completely right it is like a type of loss.He has helped me so much over the last 9 months and we have had highs and lows but we have come out the other side with a stronger therapeutic relationship and he has helped me grow as a person.
I guess I just going to miss him and being able to talk to him and the safety and security that goes along with that.
At the moment I got this real strong feelings which is a combination of love and hate towards him.I love him because of who he is and all that he has done for me but I hate because I feel this attachment to him and I am finding it hard to let go.
I guess I have to realise that all good things come to a end but it is how I deal with the end.
Sending you best wishes .

 

[UnicornSightings]

I went through this. And made it through. It’s so hard, I feel for you. It’ll be a lot of emotion and it’ll be rough. Stay with it, allow yourself to grieve. And after awhile it won’t hurt as much as often. Something that helped me was writing to my old t. It was super sad because I knew she would never read it (I journaled the letters) but then I would end up writing about how sad it was that she’d never read them. Helped me with my thoughts and feelings. You’re stronger than you think, you’ll make it though.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much for your reply.That is a really good idea about writing letters to him as I do that anyway now.Writing is very cathartic and helps me to get my feelings and emotions out in a safe way.Maybe I might ask him if it is ok if I could send him a letter every now and then and see what he says.He might not even read them but it will make me feel better.
You are right it is tough and I am so annoyed at myself for letting myself get so attached to another person as it is always so hard to let go.

 

[Sideways]

I think it’s a great idea to keep talking to him about the issues you’re having with attachment and abandonment.

But don’t forget - those aren’t the only reason this is hard. When you do stop seeing him, your support network changes. Something that you are currently doing each week that is supportive? Isn’t going to be part of your average week any more. That alone? Would be daunting and anxiety-provoking even without the attachment issues.

So, maybe as well as talking through your current issues, make sure you’re spending some of this time planning ahead. What will you do instead of therapy that is supportive and helps you continue to heal? What new connections with other people are yoj going to make, and how will you go about that? If things are really difficult, not just in the immediate aftermath but, say, in 6 months time when life throws a stressor your way - how can you plan for that?

Looking forward beyond therapy, rather than only at how hard this is going to be, might help set you up for a successful transition....??

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much for your reply.I totally agree with you it is also about the loss of support as well.At the moment if I am having a difficult week then I can write my problems down and know the fact that I can go in there and he will help me feel better.
I will have a discussion about the future with him and what support I can get in my community.